THE SIX WIVES TANGO

 THE SIX WIVES TANGO

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

CROMWELL: And now, the six merry queens of the Tudor Royal Court in their rendition of

The Six Wives Tango...

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

We had it coming,

we had it coming,

we only had ourselves to blame...

If you had been me,

and if you knew him,

he would have certainly done the same!!

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

ARAGON:

You know how people have these little habits that let you down.

Like Enrique.

Enrique wanted a male heir. Not a daughter; a son, a boy.

So this one day I am reading to my girl María and I'm really irritated because he prefer my handmaid and I'm really looking for some sympathy.

And there's Enrique with Anne on his arm, stealing a kiss. And telling me he wants a divorce.

So I said to him:

"You ask for that divorce one more time..."

And he did.

So I left the royal court for Kimbolton

and I cloistered myself.

Became a nun.

BOLEYN:

I met Henry at the Flemish court when we were adolescents, and he told me he was single.

We hit it off right away.

He'd leave for the lists or the tennis court, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have supper... and then I found out.

Single he told me? Single ma derrière!

He already had a wife: one of those Catholic Royals you know...

Still he divorced her, we tied the knot, had a little girl and a few abortions.

So one day, he sent me to the Tower ere he left for the tennis court; he'd laid eyes on the new handmaid, as usual.

You know some chaps can't attend their wives' execution!

I had it coming,

I had it coming,

I took for granted he'd be kind...

And then was bedded,

and then beheaded,

to no avail my wit and mind!

SEYMOUR:

Now I am lying on my sickbed,

tossing feverishly, burning with thirst,

wondering if I will make it through...

In storms my husband Henry, mad with elation!

"You gave me that male heir!!"

He was insane, and he kept on screaming:

"Our son's name shall be Edward!"

And then I went numb, icy cold.

And then everything went dark.

CLEVES:

Aber warum bin ich hier?

Trotz dass ich eine Ausländerin bin ist mein Leben ein Traum hier auf mein eigenes Schloss in Richmond...!

Ich weiss nicht warum Heinrich so enttäuscht mit mir war.

Das Porträt war wahrscheinlich schöner als mein Gesicht wirklich ist...

ARAGON:

Yeah but did you do it?

CLEVES:

Uh uh! Unschuldig!

HOWARD:

My husband Henry and I had this relationship,

and his courtier Thomas used to tag along with us.

I was particularly fond of Thomas and whenever it was just the two of us I showed him all of my erotic tricks in a row!

One, two, three, four, five,

Sexual foreplay, pecks, light slaps, long kisses, French kisses, one right after the other!

Now this one night we were at Whitehall Palace, the three of us, and I was thinking of my love affairs.

And we ran out of mead, and fearing the cupbearer would try to poison us, Henry left to get some.

He comes back, opens the door - and there's Thomas and Yours Truly performing Number Seventeen: the French kiss!!

I was in such a state of shock I blacked out, I don't remember a thing...

It wasn't until later, when I laid my head on the chopping block, I even knew I had to die.

I had it coming,

I had it coming,

I had it coming, all along...

I didn't do much

but if I'd done it,

who could have told me that I was wrong?

PARR:

I knew Henry Tudor for as long as I remember.

He was a really irritable chap... short-fused, a tyrant... and he was always trying to find himself.

He had spent decades trying to find himself

and on the way he'd found Catalina, Anne, Jane, Anna, and Kitty.

I guess we broke up because of irreconciliable differences.

He saw himself as alive

and I saw him dead.

The dirty bum bum bum bum...

The dirty bum bum bum bum...

I had it coming,

I had it coming,

I had it coming, all along...

I didn't do much

but if I'd done it,

who could have told me that I was wrong?

We had it coming,

we had it coming,

we only had ourselves to blame...

If you had been me,

and if you knew him,

he would have certainly done the same!!

ARAGON: You ask for that divorce one more time...

BOLEYN: Single ma derrière!

SEYMOUR: Our son's name shall be Edward!

CLEVES: Mein eigenes Schloss in Richmond!

HOWARD: Number Seventeen: the French Kiss!

PARR: Irreconciliable differences.

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

THE FELL BLACK TANGO (JUDGES EDITION)

THE FELL BLACK TANGO (JUDGES EDITION)

Because the Book of Judges and the Cell Block Tango go together like berries and white chocolate. Delicious. The bunny for this filk I had during this Easter Week/Holy Week, but, due to complications (AKA laptop at home temporarily screwed up), I have delayed its release a tad. Again, this is scarring, so, if you are high-strung, dear reader, please down a whole packet of Xanax before perusing this filk...
Oh, the random common woman who nearly killed Abimelech... she remains nameless throughout tradition. I assumed she was a miller's wife 'cause that would give her a reason for being in possession of a millstone. And Ada... Jephthah's daughter is called Ada in some traditions, such as Freemasonry. Again, there is a child being killed by a birth parent of hers in here... If you find it disturbing, please double or triple your Xanax dose, dear reader, or skip to a more harmless filk: there are oodles on this blog.


[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[ANGEL OF THE LORD]
And now, the six merry murderers of the Book of Judges
in their rendition of... the Fell Black Tango...

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

ALL SIX:

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they only had themselves to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

EHUD:

You know how people have these little habits that get you down.

Like Eglon.

Eglon just loved having taxes paid.

No, not paid. Extorted!

So this one day, I arrive at court to pay the tribute,

and I'm really irritated,

and I've come up with a clever plan to end this reign of terror...

And there's Eglon, plump as a butterball, lounging on his throne and eager for the tribute to be paid.

No, not paid. Extorted!

So I said to him: "Your Grace, you demand that many gifts one more time..."

And he did.

So I put my left hand to my right thigh,

and I thrust my cubit-long two-edged sword

INTO HIS HEFT.

He had it coming,

he had it coming,

he only had himself to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

GIDEON:

I heard the voice of the LORD

on the family farm about two weeks ago.

And he told me to gather an army,

and we recruited a sizeable host right away.

So, the LORD told me we should be fewer strong!

I sent away those who got cold feet,

then took those who were left to the stream to drink,

we were ten thousand strong...

and then I found out...

Recruit those who drink from their cupped hands,

raising their heads!

Not everyone drank this watchfully,

oh no.

We were dwindled to three hundred.

One of those minorities, you know.

So, that night, when the Midianites were celebrating their victory,

they were surprised by something unusual.

You know, some guys just can't stand shattered crockery!

They had it coming,

they had it coming,

those raiders should have gone elsewhere...

because we shattered

and war-cries smattered,

and thus, we gave them their lifetimes' scare!!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

MILLER'S WIFE:

Now I'm standing in this fortress tower,

having fled the open countryside for safety's sake,

hoping for my life to be spared...

On storms that warlord Abimelech towards the gates!

"If you don't surrender, we burn this bloody tower down!"

So he says. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming:

"If you don't surrender, we burn this bloody tower down!"

And then he ran into my millstone.

And then his lieutenant put him out of his misery.

[ALL SIX]

If you had been there,

if you had seen it,

I bet my life you'd have done the same!

ADA:

What am I doing here?

I heard my father was coming home from the war front,

so out I rushed, playing my favourite tambourine, to welcome him...

But one thing is true. I am innocent.

I don't know why Dad tied me up and put me on the altar.

I tried to ask him the reason why, but he would not answer...

YAEL:

Yeah, but did you do it?

ADA:

Uh-uh! Not... guilty!!!

YAEL:

The prophetess Deborah and the warlord Barack had this military campaign,

and I wound up becoming the key player in their strategy.

Now, during the decisive battle of the Kishon, 

the Canaanites got to know all of these factors of defeat in a row:

one, two, three, four, five,

thunderstorm, downpour, surging streams, our swords,

one right after the other.

So this one evening, after the battle,

into our campsite staggers General Sisera,

the enemy leader, the sole survivor, weary and thirsty...

So... I welcomed him in,

and I gave him a drink of buttermilk from our finest bowl...

I turn back, push the curtains aside...

and there's Deborah and Barack at the head of their army,

asking for Sisera!

Well, I was in such a state of shock...

I completely blacked out.

I don't remember a thing.

It wasn't until then, when my right hand dropped the hammer,

and my left hand dropped the tent-peg,

and I was wiping the blood off my hands,

I even knew he was dead.

He had it coming,

he had it coming,

he had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it,

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

He had it coming,

he had it coming,

he only had himself to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

SAMSON:

I loved Delilah, this bitch, more than I can possibly say.

She was a really attractive girl... sultry... seductive...

But she was always trying to find out my secret.

She would, like, never stop in trying to find out my secret...

and, on the way, she plied me with drink,

coaxed the secret out of me,

cut off all my hair as I was unconscious,

and handed me over to the Philistines.

I guess you can say we broke up because of irreconcilable differences.

I set her on a pedestal...

and she set me up.

[ALL SIX]

The dirty slut, slut, slut, slut, slut...

The dirty slut, slut, slut, slut, slut...

ALL SIX:

They had it coming,

they had it coming,

they had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it,

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they only had themselves to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

EHUD:

"Your Grace, you demand that many gifts one more time..."

GIDEON:

Recruit those who drink from their cupped hands, raising their heads!

MILLER'S WIFE:

He ran into my millstone. Then his lieutenant put him out of his misery.

ADA:

I just wanted to welcome Dad home from the wars...

YAEL:

At the head of their army, asking for Sisera!

SAMSON:

Irreconcilable differences.

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

THE SALON TANGO (RINGSTETTEN SAGA)

I felt that I had to do the Salon Tango, somehow. The Ringstetten Saga version of the Cell Block Tango. No Ringstetten leading characters, for all of them have to survive, but historical characters. And Skirnir, AKA Loki, who according to theories will be the villain of the fourth arc. The characters here come from Arcs I and II, as you see. 

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

SKIRNIR:

And now, the Six Merry Murderers of the Ringstetten Saga

in their rendition of the Salon Tango!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ALL SIX:

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they only had themselves to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

You know how people have these little habits that get you down.

Like my brother Charles.

Charles just loved to fight. 

No, not brawls. WARS.

Though I was the eldest child, he was the eldest son, and thus inherited the crown,

so I was really irritated, until he went abroad and I could have a little bit of sympathy...

and then, a letter came from the front...

'twas Charles, forced into retreat after losing at Poltava.

Against the Czar. 

In a WAR!

So I wrote back to him: "you start a war one more time..."

And he did.

So I sent an officer of guards to the front,

who fired a warning shot...

INTO HIS HEAD.

He had it coming, 

he had it coming,

he only had himself to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd heard it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

CLARA:

I met Count Philipp Christoph von Königsmarck 

at the Leine Palace (Leineschloss), in the prime of my career.

And he told me he was single.

And we hit it off right away.

So, we started a liaison! 

He'd tend to his duties as colonel of the Electoral Guard, 

he'd come to the salon with his officers,

I'd fix everyone a drink, we'd have supper tête-a-tête...

And then I found out.

"Sophie," he told me?

Sophie, sang bleu!

Not only was he with the Electoress,

oh no.

She was already married.

To one of those louts, you know.

So that night, right when Count Königsmarck had his rendezvous,

I fixed his officers their drinks, as usual.

You know, some commanders just can't handle uprisings!

He had it coming, 

he had it coming,

he took a flower in its prime,

and then he'd dither,

leave it to wither:

it was a murder, but not a crime!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!

WALLENSTEIN:

Now I'm sitting in the observatory,

perusing my enemies' natal charts in the evening,

minding my own business...

In storms my valet, sending me into a rage!

"Why are you not wearing scarlet!?",

I say. His sash was green, and I kept on screaming:

"Why are you not wearing scarlet!?"

And then, he ran into a noose.

He ran into a noose ten times.

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

ELEANOR:

Qu'est-ce que j'ai fait?

On dit que j'ai maltraité ma fille

et que j'ai été une mauvaise influence sur elle...

Mais ce n'est pas vrai.

Je suis innocente!

Je ne sais pas pourquoi le Chancelier Régent a dit ces choses.

J'ai essayé de lui expliquer mes raisons,

mais il ne m'a ecouté pas!

WALLENSTEIN:

Yes, but did you do it?

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh! Not guilty!

TILLY:

My second-in-command Pappenheim and I were on this campaign,

and my third-in-command Fürstenberg used to fight alongside us.

Now during the storming of Magdeburg, emboldened with drink, these two performed

the following violent deeds in a row:

One, two, three, four, five,

crush furniture, ravish maidens, orphan children, butcher children,

one right after the other.

So this one day after taking Leipzig, we're on the fields of Breitenfeld,

the three of us, ready for the upcoming battle.

And... we had the upper hand.

So I could sit still and pray a rosary.

I lift my head, tuck the beads into my breastplate...

and there's Pappenheim and Fürstenberg,

doing the last thing they were supposed to do:

insubordination!

Well, I was in such a state of shock... 

I completely blacked out.

I don't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later, when I came to with a surgeon by my bedside,

I even knew we had lost.

We had it coming, 

we had it coming, 

we had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it, 

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

We had it coming, 

we had it coming, 

we had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it, 

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

AURORA:

I loved Augustus the Strong more than I can possibly say.

He was a really dashing guy... sensitive... an aesthete.

But he was always trying to find himself.

He'd go on a soirée every night looking for himself, and on the way...

he found Amalia,

Esterle,

Katharina,

and Constantia.

I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.

He saw himself as Hercules...

and I saw him as Zeus.

ALL SIX:

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it, 

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they only had themselves to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

"You start a war one more time..."

CLARA:

Sophie, sang bleu!

WALLENSTEIN:

He ran into a noose ten times.

ELEANOR:

Pourquoi est-ce que le Régent m'a fait emprisonner?

TILLY:

The last thing they were supposed to do: insubordination.

AURORA:

Artistic differences.

ULRIKE ELEANOR:

Wars!

CLARA:

Sophie!

WALLENSTEIN:

Scarlet!

ELEANOR:

Uh-uh!

TILLY:

Breitenfeld!

AURORA:

Augustus!