THE SEED OF THE HANGED - Cats and Amazon

At several points in El semen de los ahorcados, Grantaire goes on conspiracy theories during his rants (when he's not playing his acoustic guitar on the streets of Hogsmeade). Including the one that cats invented Amazon. One day in fifth form (in Book II) at the Three Broomsticks, he drops his little theory for the first time:

GRANTAIRE: Friends, have you heard of Amazon?

ENJOLRAS: The rainforest or the warrior women?

GRANTAIRE: Neither. It's a Muggle website and app, on the Internet...

ENJOLRAS: Do you mean on "computters?"

GRANTAIRE: "Computters," as you say, yes indeed, and smart devices. Basically you purchase any object (though most Muggles buy books or gadgets) on the app or on the site, and pay with a credit card...

ENJOLRAS: That little plastic card where Muggles keep their money? Honestly, I wonder how the equivalent of billions of Galleons fit into that li'l thingamabob.

GRANTAIRE: Exactement! You pay with credit card, give Amazon your adress, and days or weeks later, depending on in which country the product was, Amazon sends it to you - obviously not by owl; by plane and by van... what matters is that your product comes in an Amazon box, made of corrugated cardboard and decorated with a smiling mouth...

COURFEYRAC: I have my own phone, though I can't take it to Hogwarts, and I have ordered a few magical girl figurines - Sailor Venus, Angel Daisy, and Cure Lemonade are in my bookshelf. They all came in those smiley boxes you said.

GRANTAIRE: And does your cat scratch the boxes or sleep in them?

COURFEYRAC: Of course! Though I have to throw them in the rubbish when Cleo has torn them to shreds!

GRANTAIRE: Listen carefully, Courf: I think she is mind-controlling you...

COURFEYRAC: Mind-controlling me? Like, is someone casting Imperius on yours truly? Who?

GRANTAIRE: Who else? Your lovely Siamese Cleo, and no, she isn't Imperiusing you but it comes pretty close. Pet cats rescued from the streets have a little parasite called toxoplasmosis, that they can transmit to their humans by scratching them...

COURFEYRAC: A mind-controlling parasite?

COMBEFERRE: Like that mushroom that grows on ants? Or that worm that makes snails' eyes look like candy canes, I mean, caterpillars? But a parasite that controls - like, humans, people? From the inside?

GRANTAIRE: Exactement! Did you know cats actually invented Amazon? It wasn't Jeff Bezos; a global council of domestic felines, armed with the toxoplasma parasite, mind-controlled their humans and created the online platform to ensure a steady supply of premium, reinforced cardboard boxes delivered right to their living rooms.

The plot is genius, really. Cats knew that if they let their humans order random things like phone chargers and shampoo, and magical girl warrior figurines, they would get the ultimate prize—a perfectly sized, dimly lit box to sit in, hide from the world, and ambush their unsuspecting owners. It is a flawless logistics network dedicated entirely to making sure every house cat gets their new cardboard nest and scratching post. You think you're ordering your magical girls online, Courf, but it's actually Cleo who's calling the shot. Are you going home for spring break?

COURFEYRAC: Yes, I'm coming home to our estate for Easter as per Courfeyrac tradition...

GRANTAIRE: You'll have your phone! Any magical girl on your wishlist...?

COURFEYRAC: I think I'm going to order Naoto Shirogane and Rise Kujikawa for a change. They're characters from another anime, a teen detective and a popstar for your information...

GRANTAIRE: Toxoplasmosis is working its magic...

(After Easter, Courf has brought both Rise --in her popstar getup-- and Naoto --in her detective getup-- to his collection on his bookshelf in the Hufflepuff boys' quarters; of course Cleo is nestling in Naoto's box and sharpening her nails on Rise's... Courf can't shake R's theory off his head!)