THE SIX WIVES TANGO

 THE SIX WIVES TANGO

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

CROMWELL: And now, the six merry queens of the Tudor Royal Court in their rendition of

The Six Wives Tango...

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

We had it coming,

we had it coming,

we only had ourselves to blame...

If you had been me,

and if you knew him,

he would have certainly done the same!!

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

ARAGON:

You know how people have these little habits that let you down.

Like Enrique.

Enrique wanted a male heir. Not a daughter; a son, a boy.

So this one day I am reading to my girl María and I'm really irritated because he prefer my handmaid and I'm really looking for some sympathy.

And there's Enrique with Anne on his arm, stealing a kiss. And telling me he wants a divorce.

So I said to him:

"You ask for that divorce one more time..."

And he did.

So I left the royal court for Kimbolton

and I cloistered myself.

Became a nun.

BOLEYN:

I met Henry at the Flemish court when we were adolescents, and he told me he was single.

We hit it off right away.

He'd leave for the lists or the tennis court, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have supper... and then I found out.

Single he told me? Single ma derrière!

He already had a wife: one of those Catholic Royals you know...

Still he divorced her, we tied the knot, had a little girl and a few abortions.

So one day, he sent me to the Tower ere he left for the tennis court; he'd laid eyes on the new handmaid, as usual.

You know some chaps can't attend their wives' execution!

I had it coming,

I had it coming,

I took for granted he'd be kind...

And then was bedded,

and then beheaded,

to no avail my wit and mind!

SEYMOUR:

Now I am lying on my sickbed,

tossing feverishly, burning with thirst,

wondering if I will make it through...

In storms my husband Henry, mad with elation!

"You gave me that male heir!!"

He was insane, and he kept on screaming:

"Our son's name shall be Edward!"

And then I went numb, icy cold.

And then everything went dark.

CLEVES:

Aber warum bin ich hier?

Trotz dass ich eine Ausländerin bin ist mein Leben ein Traum hier auf mein eigenes Schloss in Richmond...!

Ich weiss nicht warum Heinrich so enttäuscht mit mir war.

Das Porträt war wahrscheinlich schöner als mein Gesicht wirklich ist...

ARAGON:

Yeah but did you do it?

CLEVES:

Uh uh! Unschuldig!

HOWARD:

My husband Henry and I had this relationship,

and his courtier Thomas used to tag along with us.

I was particularly fond of Thomas and whenever it was just the two of us I showed him all of my erotic tricks in a row!

One, two, three, four, five,

Sexual foreplay, pecks, light slaps, long kisses, French kisses, one right after the other!

Now this one night we were at Whitehall Palace, the three of us, and I was thinking of my love affairs.

And we ran out of mead, and fearing the cupbearer would try to poison us, Henry left to get some.

He comes back, opens the door - and there's Thomas and Yours Truly performing Number Seventeen: the French kiss!!

I was in such a state of shock I blacked out, I don't remember a thing...

It wasn't until later, when I laid my head on the chopping block, I even knew I had to die.

I had it coming,

I had it coming,

I had it coming, all along...

I didn't do much

but if I'd done it,

who could have told me that I was wrong?

PARR:

I knew Henry Tudor for as long as I remember.

He was a really irritable chap... short-fused, a tyrant... and he was always trying to find himself.

He had spent decades trying to find himself

and on the way he'd found Catalina, Anne, Jane, Anna, and Kitty.

I guess we broke up because of irreconciliable differences.

He saw himself as alive

and I saw him dead.

The dirty bum bum bum bum...

The dirty bum bum bum bum...

I had it coming,

I had it coming,

I had it coming, all along...

I didn't do much

but if I'd done it,

who could have told me that I was wrong?

We had it coming,

we had it coming,

we only had ourselves to blame...

If you had been me,

and if you knew him,

he would have certainly done the same!!

ARAGON: You ask for that divorce one more time...

BOLEYN: Single ma derrière!

SEYMOUR: Our son's name shall be Edward!

CLEVES: Mein eigenes Schloss in Richmond!

HOWARD: Number Seventeen: the French Kiss!

PARR: Irreconciliable differences.

ARAGON: Nun!

BOLEYN: Head!

SEYMOUR: Son!

CLEVES: Uh uh!

HOWARD: Love affairs!

PARR: Henry!

THE TRUE TUDOR STORIES BEHIND NURSERY RHYMES

Some well-known Anglophone nursery tales are actually Tudor-era Reformation and Counter-Reformation propaganda. And here are the gory stories behind those ostensibly innocent rhymes.

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE

• This song was Catholic Mary Tudor-era propaganda.
• "Sixpence" may refer to the six wives of Henry VIII.
• So, the initial "four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie" may have been 24 Dominicans or other black friars who, during the Reformation, were wiped out of the picture at one fell swoop.
• At the same time, a piecrust filled with live blackbirds or frogs, that popped up as a surprise once the pie was cut (somewhat like Joffrey's and Margaery's live dove pie), was typical Tudor courtly entertainment at the end of feasts.
• The blackbirds begin to "sing," either Latin Gregorian chants or confessions under torture.
• Isn't it "a dainty dish to set before the king?" Yes, for Henry VIII after he's cut ties with the Papacy. Catholic priests and ascetics were then executed en masse.
• The king, Henry VIII, is counting out the money he's getting by cashing in the Catholic Church's treasures and property.
• The queen in the parlour eating bread and honey is his first wife, Catherine of Aragon, whom he has just divorced.
• The maid in the garden is Henry's second queen, Catherine's handmaid Anne Boleyn. 
• The blackbird that snaps off this maid's nose is the executioner, covered in a black cowl, who chopped off Anne's whole head.
• An alternate final verse says the blackbird snapped off "a rose" (instead of "her nose"), referring to the Tudor rose. Anne is described as having the complexion of an English rose. Do the maths.

GOOSEY GOOSEY GANDER

• A "gander" is a male goose. Any time ganders are mating, they become more aggressive: some of them even become REALLY aggressive when in heat. In my theory, the first stanza refers to Henry VIII during his younger years, and the second stanza to his decadence. This song was Catholic Mary Tudor-era propa-gander. 
• "Goosey Goosey Gander" is the sexy and womanizing, active (in bed as on the tennis court and when jousting) younger Henry VIII. 
• Henry VIII was renowned and notorious for being a womanizer, hence "upstairs and downstairs, and in my lady's chamber!"
• "Harry Harry Long-Legs" in stanza II is the older, Protestant, grumpy, hefty Henry VIII. He "couldn't say his prayers" because he's become Anglican and rejected Catholic rituals.
• The final verse describes Henry VIII's demise rather succinctly: from painful, suppurating chronic ulcers that first appeared on his left thigh when he was 36 and, for nearly two decades, shortened his temper, expanded his waistline, and gradually pushed him towards the grave. "Catch/Seize him by the left leg and throw him downstairs." The incurable and expanding injury that would cover his whole left leg, from a riding accident, never healed... it gave a Copernican turn to the Tudor ruler's personality and reign, and sealed his fate forever.

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY

• This one's Elizabethan Anglican propaganda. 
• There are three suspects, three Catholic Marys "quite contrary" to the Reformation, who may have inspired the song: Mary of Nazareth, Mary Stuart (Queen of Scots), and Mary Tudor. 
• "Silver bells" refer obviously to ornate Catholic church bells; and "cockleshells," to pilgrimages to St. James/Santiago de Compostela. 
• "Pretty maids all in a row" refers to court ladies in the entourage of either queen, or to nuns if the song is referring to Mary of Nazareth.
• "How does your garden grow?" is a rhetorical question concealing a reproductive metaphor. In the case of Mary of Nazareth, it would refer to the fact that she had a child while still being a virgin. Mary Tudor was childless throughout her life (which led to her half-sister Elizabeth being her successor), while Mary Stuart only had one child, a son called... yes, James (And he would convert to Anglicanism and attain the English throne after Elizabeth's childless death).

THREE BLIND MICE

Here we've got another piece of Elizabethan Anglican propaganda.
The "mice" in this song were three Protestant bishops, who, as heretics, were "blind" to the "one true" Catholic faith; and the "farmer's wife" was Mary Tudor, who did not "cut off their tails," but rather burn them at the stake, the penalty for heresy in the olden days.

From Bloody Mary Tudor to Doctor No (the first 007 film) and Shrek, the Three Blind Mice have had a quite gruesome backstory.