HERE'S TO US ALL LEFTIES

Here's to Link,

to Arya Stark,

to Ehud ben Gera, 

to Leo da Vinci,

to the Prince of Tennis,

to Joan of Arc,

to my grandmothers,

to my parents,

to yours truly,

the list is endless,

so that every day, not only the 13th of August,

would be World Left-Handed Day!

THE YEAR OF GREAT MEDLARS

In The Seed of Hanged Men, Final Conflict, Book 5 ----- corresponds to the "barricade subplot and nearly everyone dying" part of canon. Everyone returns to the Seed universe's Earth and a final course begins; an anti-war play is staged at Hogwarts, The Year of Great Medlars, written by Courfeyrac (his first and only tragedy) and starring him as Dauphin Francis of Valois, Combeferre as Count Sebastian de' Montecuccoli, James Norrington (Hufflepuff) as Prince Henri of Valois, and Musichetta as Caterina de' Medici. Lady Alistair marries Count de Satigny and his personal troupe puts on a separate production of The Year of Great Medlars at the Satigny estate. After the play (the Hogwarts performance), Enjolras loses his cool being provoked by Montparnasse, tearing off his prefect badge and claiming back the prefecture of Slytherin by force, leading to a declaration of war... The Xeniades Club, the pack of werewolves who turned Grantaire, and the Condesce's army storm Hogwarts, leading to the last stand of AS-SORTED. Grantaire has, while drugged with the Draught of Living Death, a dream inspired by the Lamb Lies Down, from the Chamber of 32 Doors onwards, with himself as Rael and Enj as John, before waking up and dying at the end of the battle, holding Enj's hand... Lunar eclipse.

On the cover of the script of The Year of Great Medlars there is a quatrain written by Courfeyrac in the style of Nostradamus, that spoils the whole play:

A thirsty prince in the August sun...

A cupbearer seized is never fun...

A sister-in-law ruled by envy and greed...

A wish for peace that came true indeed.

The play is significant because it's Courfeyrac's first and only tragedy, in which the author expresses his uncertainties about going to war and about coming of age. Due to taking place in the Renaissance, amongst royalty, the play is written and performed in the style of Shakespeare, though with an exaggerated bent similar to Shakespeare's plays-within-plays (The Murder of Gonzago, Pyramus and Thisbe, et al.) and to the Ember Island Players. In fact, the author of the whole fic saga (StrixAlluka) names Shakespeare and the Ember Island Players as the primary inspirations. As well as the historical event (the Montecuccoli affair, in Tournon-sur-Rhône, August 1536) whose characters mirror those in The Seed and in Les Misérables canon who star in Medlars.

The fruit from which the play takes its title is the German medlar (NOT the Japanese medlar), known in France in the Renaissance as mêle (term used by Rabelais, the first chapter of whose saga Count Sebastian reads aloud to Dauphin Francis --the pentalogy is being written by Rabelais and proofread by the royal cupbearer as the story is taking place, and the characters are avatars of the people the author knows, the heroic prince Pantagruel being a counterpart of Dauphin Francis, and his bromantic pal, the well-read Panurge, of Count Sebastian de' Montecuccoli, the whole epic novel --or fic-- having a pacifistic and free-thinking ideology... Rabelais was writing a real-person fanfic, that became an AU after the tragic deaths of the people who inspired his heroes!--), and still today (the German medlar) as trou du cul (anus, "asshole") and in Shakespeare's English as open-arse (term most famously used by Mercutio --don't forget that StrixAlluka was once Freddie Mercutio!--). 

The shape of the German medlar, Mespilus germanica, suggests a dilated anus. In turn, mêle evokes mela (apple in Italian, German medlars being closely related to roses and to apples), and thus, the Forbidden Fruit of Eden: Rabelais' medlars are also described as "easy on the eyes and pleasant to the taste," like the Forbidden Fruit in Genesis. 

The whole read about the Great Medlars may sound like a big-lipped-alligator moment, but it is actually a statement that evokes a lost Golden Age, without the courtly intrigues, wars, and poisonings that the characters have to endure (and that lead to their deaths, this being in Courf's own words "a queer Romeo and Juliet", both dauphin and cupbearer being, though praised and popular, called "queer" --in both senses of the word-- behind their backs, and this also leading to their downfall; remaining single at 18 while there are a lot of prospective fiancées, most prominently Bloody Mary, definitely raised suspicions... both leads being, in the play and in real life, doomed to die young, single, and childless, and the peace between France and the Habsburg Empire being signed at the cost of the lives of both queer star-crossed lovers... The play starts with the arrival of Count Sebastian and Caterina de' Medici in Marseille and her wedding to Henry, spare to the throne... and ends with the rise to power of Henry and Caterina --who poisoned her brother-in-law and blamed his cupbearer lover-- after the violent deaths of both star-crossed leads). 

The Year of Great Medlars is, thus, the utopia of a Lost Golden Age, when Lent didn't take place in March, the Kalends were found in the Greek calendars (look up "Greek Kalends" on Google; well, it means the same as "when pigs fly;" the kalends were the first day of months in the Latin calendar, but they don't exist in the Greek calendar), one week had three leap Thursdays (Catalan "la setmana dels tres dijous" means the same as "Greek Kalends") due to the Sun having taken a few missteps, the Moon left her orbit and rose in the sky far above the usual, and even the stars were changing their places, for instance Spica moved from the hand of Virgo to the scales of Libra (Courf's own Sun sign). 

The ground watered with the pure blood of Abel gave rise to oversized fruits, including watermelon-sized (Quaffle-sized) German medlars (three of which could fill a bushel), easy on the eye and pleasant to the taste (just like the Forbidden Fruit), that caused their eaters to swell in various body parts and start lineages of "endowed" superhumans (the polar opposite of the tasteless but lethal arsenic consumed after the tennis match, that causes the tragic hero to waste away). This Golden Age is contrasted with both the Renaissance in which Medlars the play takes place... and with the war-torn Hogwarts at the last year of everyone in The Seed; Courf having foretold his own death (in battle, not by poisoning) and revealing his inner self full of uncertainty about the future.

AN EXCERPT FROM THE PLAY

CATERINA (MUSICHETTA): "For years I played chess, day after day, with Pope Clement. He taught me all the strategies... Throughout their lives, all my guardians have seen me as a simple-minded pawn. But they all overlooked the most important thing about pawns..."

SEBASTIAN (COMBEFERRE): That a pawn might become a queen?

CATERINA (nods): Exactly... I was so disappointed when I found out that I had married the wrong prince, who, moreover, is in love with another. A lady old enough to be his mum, and as tall as a giraffe, who happens to have a trick up his sleeve...

SEBASTIAN: What "trick"? I barely know Mme. Diane de Poitiers...

CATERINA: She suctions him. She has a very muscular pussy, which she uses to suck his member, with her nether mouth. No other woman can do that. Anyway, when life gives you lemons, you have to take advantage of the situation... Fix someone's drink, get them out of the picture. A Medici of Florence, even if she is a little maiden, knows what to do. Before this summer and this war are over, that person will get thirsty and consume the wrong drink... and we will have our way.

SEBASTIAN: Do you mean Diane... or do you mean him? Let me tell you something I have been fearing to tell you: all this time I have joined his entourage as the mole you wanted... and gotten to know him. Now I am his squire, his cupbearer, and his secretary. And his confidant, who keeps all his secrets. I am His Royal Highness's right-hand man. And we have become friends, maybe more than friends... there is something more.

CATERINA (stroking her poison ring): Then, I'll have to put you two out of the picture... Single and childless at 18, and that reveal... He may die single and childless at 80, but I prefer him to disappear the sooner the better, this very summer to be more precise. I am so sorry, Sebastian, but I did never expect you to be a turncloak... I will have to change my strategy, change it so that you two (strokes her poison ring) will be out of the way - forever. You will never see this pawn soon to be crowned the new queen...

EL MARISCAL DE LA CARRERA MÁS MODÉLICA

 Esta canción de Gilbert & Sullivan (la primera estrofa) la canta Courfeyrac en el concurso de talentos de Hogwarts en El semen de los ahorcados (AU de Hogwarts de Enjoltaire) y más tarde en el Baile de Máscaras de Año Nuevo. Es la original en la versión inglesa y en la sueca. Pero en la castellana es mi propia traducción:

Yo soy el Mariscal de la carrera más modélica,

de barcos de papel guié la escuadra más quimérica.

Me sé los reyes godos y todo conflicto histórico

de Maratón a Waterloo, en orden categórico...

Soy también un experto en materias matemáticas,

sé resolver funciones, las sencillas y cuadráticas,

dicen todos que soy el heredero de Pitágoras...

(Pitágoras... ágoras... ¡LO TENGO!)

y sé las tres virtudes que poseen las mandrágoras

(Sabe las tres virtudes que poseen las mandrágoras,

sabe las tres virtudes que poseen las mandrágoras,

sabe las tres virtudes que poseen las mandrago-drágoras)

Distingo Rafaeles de los Gerrit Dous y Zoffanies,

me sé el coro de anfibios de Las Ranas de Aristófanes...

De barcos de papel guié la escuadra más quimérica,

yo soy el Mariscal de la carrera más modélica.

SNOW QUEEN BY ANTON LOMAEV

 Illustrations by Anton Lomaev, who sets this version during the Roaring 20s:

The trolls having lots of fun before making (and shattering) the Magic Mirror.

You can see Laurel and Hardy impersonators, a general, a typewriter, Napoleon and Livingstone impersonators... these trolls are also tiny. Their leader (Satan? Loki?) looks like a human gentleman, but his shadow is that of a demonic troll!

Gerda and Kai in their vertical garden in their provincial town.

Both of them are golden-haired middle-class kids, and there is a café 

on the bottom floor of Gerda's place

This Snow Queen gives less "goddess" and more "noblewoman".

Her dress style is more old-fashioned than the Clever Princess and other flappers

in this storybook universe - like, two decades before them.

Kai playing the drum - looks like he's a boy scout in this universe

The market in the town square. 

In the bottom right you can see Kai having hitched his sledge to the Snow Queen's... car? In a provincial town like this, before tin lizzies, a Daimler-Benz like that would make quite the stir!

 

Kai as co-pilot in the Snow Queen's motor car! Yes, she has a motor car - that works by magic, I presume

Gerda and the Lady of the Garden (at whose place it is always spring).

The Lady appears to be as old as time - she is wearing an Elizabethan collar 

(maybe she has made a Philosopher's Stone!)

The nutcracker guards are Potsdam Grenadiers (but maybe some Scandinavian regiment has uniforms like these)?

The palace gardens. You can see a statue of a Psyche, with butterfly wings, and a guardhouse near the stairs that lead to the palace.

The Clever Princess and her prince are both Brainy Brunettes and in their 20s (the usual age).

She is a flapper, while he is a young gentleman. Both of them looking quite progressive and fashionable.

The fountain in the royal garden shows Hercules fighting some sea monster, with turtles in the corners.

The royal crest appears in the horses' apparel and on the carriage: a simple crown.

The butler looks quite professional (a middle-aged fellow dressed up like a penguin), while the coachman and footmen wear a mix of 1920s and 18th-century liveries.

Here the Clever Princess is singing royalty - like Rumi in K-PDH, but actual royalty!

She reads all newspapers in the world (in the original languages) to read reviews of her performances...

An international celebrity, irradiating charisma

Right before she had the idea of getting married.

In bed she looks more vulnerable - and she wears a candycane-striped pyjamas that, along with her flapper's bob haircut, makes her look androgynous, like an anime character.

The Prince wears a matching pyjamas, but his is with blue stripes.

A fond farewell to Gerda in their very best winter clothes

The ambush in the Dark Forest. 

All the robbers look like they're Romani and like they're all family.

The Robber Woman was about to shoot Gerda, but her daughter the Robber Maiden pardoned the blonde and took her fur muff.

The Robber Maiden looks like Ronia Robberdaughter, by Astrid Lindgren, 

while her mum looks like the same character as an adult.

Entering the Robbers' fortress, here a medieval keep, as usual.

You can see the campfire where they cook all their rabbits on the courtyard - and also the Robber Maiden's reindeer - foreshadowing that Gerda will ride him to the tundra!

A very fond farewell. Notice the Robber Maiden is wearing guns and a jackknife to defend herself.

They look like they have shared an intimate kiss after sharing a bed - headcanon: Robber Maiden is a lesbian and Gerda discovered she is bisexual after sharing a futon with her in the fortress!

Outside the Laplady's home in the tundra - looks like a hobbit hole.

The Laplady is dressed in Saami folk garb

Supper with the Laplady, who is reading a message written by a friend on a lutefisk (salted cod).

For supper there is kalakukko (Finnish fish pie, that square pie), lingonberries, and lichens for the reindeer. 

I wonder what's in Gerda's tankard - could be koskenkorva (Finnish vodka), but that's too strong for a teen. Mulled mead would be the most likely.

Gerda has Arctic ice on her head because the Laplady's home is practically a sauna!

Reunion in the throne room. Both lovers are now young adults.

A war plane and an ocean liner are trapped in the throne room, 

and there is a taxidermied polar bear rug right before the throne.

He is wearing a military-style uniform, most surely his boy scout's uniform,

which grew with him at the ice palace - magic once more!

The throne room is so vast that a war plane - sent on an Arctic expedition - is embedded on the ice floor.

Right before she warms his heart...

Back in town, in springtime - now young adults, yet children at heart

The final illustration: Gerda and Kai as young adults with both grannies and most townspeople

A family portrait! The photo is b/w because Roaring 20s...

This version is one of my favourites, sharing first place with Christian Birmingham's and Miss Clara's!

PS: Please read my Snow Queen fics on this blog! 

The Queen Beyond the Wall is set in Westeros, starring Brienne (as Gerda), Jaime (as Kai), the Night's Queen (as guess whom?), and other Westerosi characters (to mention: Renly and Loras as a queer Prince and Princess)!

La Fée Verte is set in 19th-century France, starring Enjolras (as Gerda), Grantaire (as Kai), the Green Fairy (as the Snow Queen), and other Les Mis characters (to mention: Éponine as a pretty feisty Robber Maiden)!

PINOCCHIO: EAT CACA, IL DUCE

 Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio is an animated musical. When the irreverent wooden boy, now part of the circus of Count Volpe (The Fox, who is human in this universe) performs for Mussolini himself, he sings a satirical/scatological song and makes a performance full of toilet humour; Il Duce is not amused.

 

I fight for the land
I fight oversea
For baby-poops-his-pants
Right there in front of me

The poop in hand 

for fatherland
Il Duce, Il Duce
Go smell your farts and pray
Eat your boogers, your slime!
You can also get mine!

Like a bag of poop, 

magnificent and free
You are farting, farting 

in the men's lavatory!
You're a poop, we are young
Eat caca, big baby, 

eat caca, we are strong!

He poops on the land
He poops oversea
Big-baby-poops-his-pants
He's just doo-doo to me
Farewell, Mussolini!
Ciao, Il Duce!

Using his military helmet as a chamber pot

A caca puppet joins Pinocchio on stage

When he is supposed to go to war, he runs away to join a singing group, and when he is supposed to sing a beautiful song in front of Mussolini, he makes Mussolini furious with vulgar parodies of patriotic songs.

[LIGHTS! MUSIC! CURTAIN OPENS.

Once again Pinocchio rolls out on stage in a tank. He leaps out, dressed as a soldier!!

PINOCCHIO:

I fight for the land!

I fight oversea!

For baby-poops-his-pants

Right there in front of me!

Around Pinocchio marching marionettes appear; it’s a farting chorus line! Spazz puppeteers with delight!!!

MUSSOLINI: Poop?

The Right Hand Man shrugs.

RIGHT HAND MAN: Yes, poop Your Excellency.

PINOCCHIO (O.S.):

The poop in hand,

For Fatherland,

Il Duce, Il Duce

Go smell your farts and pray,

Eat your boogers, your slime

You can also get mine.

Volpe stands on the side of the stage clutching the script. Baffled. He is so nervous he takes a bite out of it.

A giant POOP MARIONETTE drops down from the catwalk and begins dancing alongside Pinocchio.

Mussolini is not happy. Candlewick laughs uproariously. But his smiles fades under the gaze of the Podestà.

PINOCCHIO:

Like a bag of poop, magnificent and free —

You are farting, farting in the men’s lavatory.

You’re a poop! We are young!

Eat caca! Big baby!

Eat caca! We are strong.

SPAZZATURA (MONKEY): (echoing) Caca!

A giant Mussolini backdrop flies in. But this time it is vandalized and insulting. It says "Sua Escremenza," His Excremency

Pinocchio flushes himself, twirling down an oversized toilet.

Song ends. The kids go wild. Count Volpe is so nervous he takes a bite out of the script. Everyone waits to see Mussolini’s reaction.

Mussolini quietly turns to his Right Hand Man.

MUSSOLINI: These a’ puppets I do not like. Shoot him. And burn it all down.

The Right Hand Man pulls out a pistol, cocks it, and fires at Pinocchio.]

*************************

This musical number reminded me of the parodies of Christmas carols found in The Simpsons:

Joy to the world,

the teacher's dead...

We barbecued her head!

What happened to her body?

We flushed it down the potty,

and round and round it goes,

and round and round it goes...

NELSON MUNTZ

Jingle bells,

Batman smells,

Robin laid an egg,

the Batmobile lost one wheel

and the Joker did ballet,

Hey!

BART SIMPSON

Another version, sung in playgrounds across the Commonwealth

Jingle bells,

Batman smells,

Robin laid an egg,

Wonder Woman lost her bosom

on the motorway,

Hey!

,...........

Then there is this parody of the Barney theme (Barney the Purple Dinosaur was so hated by 90s schoolkids...)

Barney is a dinosaur 

with no imagination

Big and fat and full of crap

He died from constipation! 

DELILAH, BY QUEEN (Freddie Mercury's Calico cat)

This was one of Freddie Mercury's last songs before he passed away. Relatable to any cat mum or cat dad, because our whiskered friends sometimes make us furious when they pee on our furniture (or on our laptop), but they look so cute and so innocent and then make our worries melt away... 

Delilah, Delilah

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my, you're irresistible
You make me smile when I'm just about to cry
You bring me hope you make me laugh and I like it
You get away with murder so innocent
But when you throw a moody you're all claws and you bite
That's all right

Delilah, Delilah
Oh, my, oh my, oh my, you're unpredictable
You make me so very happy
When you cuddle up and go to sleep beside me
And then you make me slightly mad
When you pee all over my Chippendale suite

Delilah, Delilah
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

You take over my house and home
You even try to answer my telephone
Delilah, you're the apple of my eye

Meow, meow, meow
Delilah, I love you, Delilah
Oh, you make me so very happy
You give me kisses and I go out of my mind, ooh
Meow, meow, meow
You're irresistible, I love you, Delilah
Delilah, I love you

Hah, hah
You make me very happy
Oh, yeah, I love your kisses
I love your kisses
I love your kisses
I love your kisses
I love your, your, your kisses
I love your kisses

ANOTHER BLANK POST (Seriously?)