EAT A CROCODILE: A FEVER DREAM OMAKE

"By Frey, the Moon IS full tonight!" - ENJOLRAS AS HAMLET

As part of the corpus of the Les Misérables Hogwarts AU El semen de los ahorcados, or The Seed of Hanged Men, the omakes are not to be given short shrift, because they offer new perspectives on the cast and world. Eat a Crocodile, or Cómete un cocodrilo, is an AU within an AU, using the technique of the dream to offer a Shakespearean parody full of intertextuality, referencing the Simpsons parody of the same tragedy with Bart as Hamlet, the Night Watch novels by Sir Terry Pratchett, Monty Python, and Pulp Fiction, among other hypertexts.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

• Prince Hamlet: Paragon Enjolras
• Queen Gertrude: Madame Enjolras 
• King Claudius: Javert
• Ghost of the Late King: Monsieur Enjolras
• Horatio: Combeferre
• Commander Köurfeyråk: Courfeyrac 
• Sergeant Kårröt: Bahorel
• Sergeant Ascending Colon: Grantaire 
• Corporal Winifred: Jehanne Prouvaire
• Chancellor Polonius: Jean Valjean 
• Laertes: Marius Pontmercy
• Ophelia: Cosette
• Finnegan Wake: Himself
• Rosencrantz: Lesgles
• Guildenstern: Jo-Lee
• Musichetta: Herself
• Viking Captain: Monsieur Thénardier
• Viking Cook: Madame Thénardier
• Viking Shieldmaiden: Éponine
• Viking Cabin Boy: Gavroche 
• Herald: Feuilly
• Sexton: Mabeuf
• Prince of Sweden: Montparnasse

The story of Eat a Crocodile takes place during Book the Fifth in winter, when Enjolras has the flu with a high fever and is bedridden, dreaming that he is Hamlet and the people in his life are the other characters in that play. The setting, perhaps due to the dream quality of it all, is an ambiguous time period: Kronborg Castle looks exactly like it did in the Renaissance, the characters wear seventeenth-century clothes, the Reformation and Counter-Reformation are mentioned, the performers are a commedia dell'arte troupe (Rosencrantz as Harlequin, Guildenstern as Pierrot, and Musichetta as Columbine), but the pirates are Vikings, the winter holiday is Yule, and the kingdoms of Mercia and Northumbria still exist, and the characters swear by Norse gods.

At the royal court in Denmark in the Castle of Kronborg, the royals are celebrating an unbirthday party one evening in winter. Queen Gertrude (Madame Enjolras) remarried her general (not her brother-in-law) Claudius (Javert) a few months ago... Much to the chagrin of Crown Prince Hamlet (Enjolras). There is also talk about a possible Swedish invasion after the King of Sweden got mysteriously assassinated (with ear poison) and his son (Montparnasse) inherited the throne.

To get away from all the noise, the smoke, and the drinking, Hamlet leaves the banqueting hall with his friend/confidant Horatio (Combeferre). They walk out on the ramparts while it is snowing, because Hamlet has heard from the guards that the ramparts are haunted by what appears to be the ghost of the late King of Denmark. On the ramparts they meet the guards on duty; Commander Köurfeyråk (Courfeyrac), Sergeant Ascending Colon (Grantaire), Sergeant Kårröt (Bahorel), and Corporal Winifred, a trans woman (Jehanne Prouvaire). The guards try to dissuade Hamlet and Horatio from spotting the ghost, but the crown prince is determined. Furthermore, the ghost appears at midnight when the moon is full, and it happens so that there is a full moon, with midnight fast approaching. When midnight strikes, the Toccata and Fugue can be heard, the temperature drops to subzero... and a deep baritone voice is heard: "My son... I wish to talk to you alone. Leave these people and come closer to me..."

Hamlet leaves his entourage, even though Horatio and the guards are frightened, and bravely approaches what turns out to be the ghost of his late father (Monsieur Enjolras) in suit of armour. Ghost Dad tells Hamlet that he was not killed by a literal snakebite (and Hamlet knows that the only venomous snake in Denmark, the European Adder, has too weak a bite to kill an adult), and that the "snake" who bit him now wears his crown and is married to his queen. While the late King slept in his rose garden, General Claudius killed him with ear poison, making it look like a snakebite (by stabbing him in the ankle with two little puncture wounds), and then seduced and married his widowed queen. Ghost Dad encourages Hamlet to avenge him and claim his rightful throne, making Hamlet swear to get revenge before disappearing at dawn (to crowing roosters and Morning Mood by Grieg). Hamlet is at first in shock, but in the end tells Horatio about the ghost when the guards are not around. He is also suspicious about the death of the late King of Sweden and the fact that ear poison was used in both murders, leading to an upcoming declaration of war from Sweden since its prince must have known about the true death of the King of Denmark... 

On the next day, Hamlet lashes out at his mother and stepfather for getting married. Claudius conspires with Chancellor Polonius (Jean Valjean), who has his hands full with his son Laertes (Marius) about to leave for Spain where he is going to learn swordsmanship and etiquette, and his daughter Ophelia (Cosette) who is Hamlet's fiancée... he tells her to spy on the crown prince and calls her "green girl" both for her green dress and her innocence. Hamlet has Horatio swear an oath to keep the ghost affair and the revenge plot a secret. While Polonius tells a herald (Feuilly) to spy on Laertes before he leaves, Ophelia spills the tea to king and chancellor about Hamlet's strange behaviour, he has been acting a little eccentric... Hamlet was reading a book called "Words, Words, Words" by author Mina with a Twilight-esque cover, and Ophelia was curious about it. 

Hamlet's friends Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta, who form a commedia dell'arte troupe touring Scandinavia, drop by. They are about to perform a show at the Danish court for Yule. Polonius examines Hamlet and takes leave of his son, giving Laertes a lot of advice which amounts to the poem "If" by Kipling, before Laertes sets sail for Spain. The commedia dell'arte troupe approaches Hamlet and he welcomes them, having an idea to stage his father's murder as the Yule play.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern report back to Claudius, acting as double agents. Polonius and Claudius set Ophelia as bait and hide. Hamlet wonders why he's so afraid to act. Ophelia returns the valentines and wilted flowers Hamlet had once given her, and he goes off on Ophelia, who laments Hamlet's change of heart, but Ophelia is approached by the merman in the moat, Finnegan Wake, who comforts her.

Yule arrives. Hamlet entertains the royal party and teases Ophelia before the curtain rises on "The Rat Trap (not to pay any royalties to Agatha Christie)." On stage, the Archduke of Austria (Rosencrantz) is poisoned with ear poison in a rose garden by his general (Guildenstern), who seduces and marries his widow (Musichetta). Claudius interrupts the show right as the wedding is about to take place, while Gertrude says "the lady protests too much."

Polonius summons Hamlet to his mother in the parlour, and Hamlet resolves not to hurt her, while also wondering if this is a trap set by Claudius.

Claudius tells Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta to take Hamlet with them to the kingdoms of Mercia and Northumbria to receive the danegeld (but actually to deliver a Uriah letter which says "EXECUTE THE MESSENGER WHO BRINGS THIS LETTER.") Claudius, producing the vial of Ear Poison, confesses to murdering the King and seducing the Queen, and also to murdering the King of Sweden to start a war, but is too evil and lustful for power to really repent. Hamlet sneaks up on Claudius, but can't stab him as he looks so sincere in his confession. Hamlet confronts Gertrude in her bedchamber, on why she was married to such a perfect demigod and then remarried such a scoundrel. There is something behind the curtains. "An incredibly big rodent," Hamlet says before stabbing right through the curtains. Out staggers Polonius with a deep wound in his solar plexus. Hamlet begs Gertrude to stay away from Claudius. Hamlet is chased through the corridors as the news of Polonius' death spreads through the palace like wildfire. Finally Claudius corners Hamlet and tells him of his plan to send him to Mercia and Northumbria. Hamlet sets sail with Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta, and a sturdy crew. Ophelia eavesdrops on Claudius telling the guards that he has sent Hamlet on a suicide mission.

With her father murdered by her fiancé and the latter sent on a suicide mission, Ophelia appears to go insane, doling out wildflowers left and right and singing nursery rhymes for the royals. Finnegan tells Ophelia to snap out of it and that he loves her, kissing her. Ophelia realizes that she loves Finnegan, not Hamlet, and the merman gives her Holy Gillyweed, which turns her into a mermaid forever, before the guards see Ophelia plunge into the moat and not resurface. After a while, a girl's body with Ophelia's clothes on surfaces, shocking the royal court. They mistake this body for Ophelia, when it was actually a maid who had drowned in the moat before, and who Finnegan dressed in Ophelia's clothes and used as a decoy. A carrier owl is sent to Spain to inform Laertes of the deaths of his father and sister.

Hamlet's ship is boarded by Vikings (the Thénardiers and their children), who, after a brief swordfight between Hamlet and shieldmaiden Éponine, which he wins, arrange the marriage between the two of them and give Rosencrantz the letter, before putting Hamlet on their ship back to Denmark and letting the ship with Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta sail on to Mercia and Northumbria. The Vikings give Hamlet Viking clothes so that he becomes unrecognizable. Hamlet meets the Swedish Army en route to Kronborg and realizes he feels like a loser compared to the Prince of Sweden, whom he is surprised to see looks rather Mediterranean (the latter explains that his mother is French and that it all happened before the Reformation and Counter-Reformation). At Kronborg Claudius insists he is innocent of Polonius' death and blames it on Hamlet, revealing that he sent the crown prince to his own execution. Laertes arrives at home and Claudius explains to him that Hamlet killed Ophelia and Polonius. Hamlet sends a cryptic letter to his stepfather from the village inn, and summons Horatio by using Sergeant Ascending Colon, whom he promises to promote to lieutenant once he has claimed his throne, as messenger. Ascending Colon turns out to be in love with Hamlet and decides to join his conspiracy, roping the other guards in as well. Claudius plans a fencing match between Laertes and Hamlet, using Sword Poison, which is actually the same as Ear Poison but with another label. He's also put more poison in a teacup at the table, should Hamlet win the fight and get really thirsty...

At Ophelia's funeral, Hamlet muses about the afterlife. Laertes wants the priest to give his sister full rites, claiming that she cannot have been a suicide, but Hamlet interrupts the funeral, and both young men have a squabble and nearly strangle one another inside Ophelia's grave... "If I had a thousand sisters, I would not love them as passionately as you did!" "What would you do for her sake, then? EAT A CROCODILE? (title drop)" Claudius drops by and puts peace between the young fighters, telling them why not to settle the score like civilized gentlemen, in a fencing duel? Hamlet and Laertes both agree, not knowing that they have sealed their fates...

In the parlour the next day, Hamlet tells Horatio about his adventure at sea and how the Vikings saved his life. The herald delivers the challenge from Laertes, and Hamlet mocks him mercilessly. He suspects the swordfight of being a trap, but still walks into the great hall with his head held high. Hamlet apologizes to Laertes before both young men cross swords. After Hamlet gives a great parry, Gertrude drinks a toast to her son and drinks the poisoned tea, before collapsing and throwing up blood. The swordsmen exchange swords twice, and stab one another: Hamlet stabs Laertes in the chest, and Laertes slashes Hamlet in the left arm. Laertes, dying, tells Hamlet about the poison, before asking Hamlet for forgiveness and dying in Hamlet's arms, forgiven by the crown prince; "I was hoist by my own petard... I was a traitor betrayed..." Hamlet still has strength, and even though Horatio tries to hold him back, slits Claudius' throat and gives him what is left of the poisoned tea to drink. Then Hamlet collapses and tells Horatio to tell his story to the world, before the Prince of Sweden storms in at the head of his army, followed by the Vikings and by the Kronborg guards. A battle ensues, in which the Swedish prince decides not to capture Hamlet at his lowest point, and after a few axe throws from the Vikings, the Swedish Army retreats. Hamlet is about to die in Horatio's and Köurfeyråk's arms ("Goodnight, Sweet Prince...") when Sergeant Ascending Colon decides to step in and suck the poison from his wound. Hamlet will survive but Ascending Colon is poisoned to death. Before throwing up blood and dying violently, Ascending Colon confesses his love for Hamlet and kisses him on the mouth... at which point a startled Enjolras rises from his bed, feeling much better though shocked at the prospect of being kissed by Grantaire!