DRUGGED SUITORS IN 12DP - THE MIDNIGHT ARCHIVE

Passages from The 12 Dancing Princesses, from The Midnight Archive podcast. 

Note how it describes the effects of the drug: somnolence, then complete chemical unconsciousness, then amnesia/blackout and a dreamess sleep. The same effects of rauha, which could have been laudanum, datura, or deadly nightshade (datura also causes identical effects: somnolence, then complete chemical unconsciousness and dreamless sleep, then blackouts).

The suitors here suffer from en-bloc blackouts. IE they don't remember anything that happened during their chemical unconsciousness. And they didn't dream during their chemical sleep. En bloc blackouts are classified by the inability to later recall any memories from the intoxication period, even when prompted. These blackouts are characterized also by the ability to easily recall things that have occurred within the last 2 minutes, yet being unable to recall anything prior to this period. As such, a person experiencing an en bloc blackout may not appear to be doing so, as they can carry on conversations or even manage to accomplish difficult feats. It is difficult to determine the end of this type of blackout as sleep typically occurs before they end, although it is possible for an en bloc blackout to end if the affected person has stopped drinking in the meantime.

In a study of university students in the US, 51% of the students reported that they had had at least one blackout. Blackouts were reported during activities such as spending money (27%), sexual conduct (24%), fighting (16%), vandalism (16%), unprotected intercourse (6%), and driving a car (3%). So a significant number of students were engaged in a range of possibly hazardous activities during blackouts.

(The first suitor)

He can see the 12 beds arranged in a row. He can see the 12 beautiful sisters preparing for sleep. The eldest princess approaches him with a cup of wine. You must be tired from your journey, she says. Her voice is kind. Her smile is warm.

"This will help you stay awake." The prince thanks her. He drinks the wine.

It's delicious, rich, and sweet with an undertone he doesn't recognize. He lies down on his bed. He watches the princesses through the open door. He's determined to stay awake, determined to see whatever happens. He watches and watches and then his eyes grow heavy, his thoughts grow fuzzy, his head nods, jerks up, nods again. He sleeps.

In the morning, the prince wakes to find 12 pairs of shoes worn through to nothing. He saw nothing, heard nothing, remembers nothing after a certain point in the evening. Nothing after drinking that cup of wine the eldest princess gave him. He slept through the entire night deep and dreamless while the princesses did whatever they did, he's confused, frightened. He was so certain he would stay awake, so certain his willpower would be enough. He's given a second night. He's determined to do better this time. He refuses the wine politely, carefully, claiming he doesn't care for it. The eldest princess smiles like he doesn't insist, but somehow he still falls asleep. Still wakes to ruined shoes. Still has no explanation. Did they put something in his food, in the water? Did they use some magic he can't detect? A third night, the same result. Sleep takes him against his will and he wakes to failure.  (The next suitor)

He's trained himself to stay awake for days at a time. He won't make the same mistakes. He makes exactly the same mistakes. He drinks the wine or doesn't drink it, but somehow sleeps anyway. He sees nothing, hears nothing, wakes to ruined shoes and a death sentence. He's executed, too. Then  commoners who have nothing to lose, desperate men willing to risk their lives for the chance at wealth and a princess. Each one confident, each one determined, each one drugged into sleep by wine the princesses offer with sweet smiles and kind words. 

(The fairy warns the hero) 

The second gift is advice. "When the princesses offer you wine, the old woman says, "Don't drink it. They've been drugging their watchers. That's how they've defeated every man before you. Pretend to drink, but let the wine spill. Then pretend to fall asleep. Snore loudly. Make them believe you're unconscious like all the others." She knows. Somehow this old woman on the side of the road knows exactly how the princesses have been maintaining their secret. 

(The hero pretends to drink, but doesn't swallow the wine) 

The eldest approaches with a cup of wine. You must be tired from your journey, she says. Her voice is kind. Her smile is warm. This will help you stay awake. The soldier takes the cup. He brings it to his lips. And he remembers the old woman's words. The soldier pretends to drink. He brings the cup to his mouth, tilts it back, but beneath his chin, hidden by his collar, he's placed a sponge. The wine pours into the sponge instead of his throat. Not a single drop passes his lips. He hands the empty cup back to the eldest princess. 

"Thank you," he says. "You're very kind." She smiles. The same smile she's given to all the others. The same kindness that preceded their drugged sleep and eventual execution. The soldier lies down on his bed. 

He closes his eyes, but not all the way. Through the narrow slits of his lids, he watches the open door, watches the 12 princesses in their chamber, and he begins to snore. Loud snores, theatrical snores, the snores of a man deeply, completely chemically unconscious. The snores that every failed suitor produced after drinking the drugged wine. 

The princesses watch him through the doorway. They wait. They listen. One of them, the youngest, creeps closer, peering at him to make sure he's truly asleep. The soldier snores louder. Finally, satisfied, the princesses begin to move. 

"But the wine, he drank it so quickly. And something felt different when we crossed the grove last time. I heard sounds." 

"You imagine things." The eldest finishes pinning her hair. "Look at him. He's asleep like all the others, snoring like a pig. By morning, he'll remember nothing."

(The following day) 

Everything repeats. The eldest princess brings the drugged wine. The soldier pretends to drink, lets it spill into the hidden sponge. He lies down. He snores. 

No fear shows on their faces. No one has ever discovered their secret. No one has ever stayed awake through the drugged wine. This soldier will fail like all the others. 

Why they drug their watchers and send them to death.

(The crown princess reveals everything)

And she's tired. Tired of the secret, tired of the drugged wine and the dead suitors and the constant fear of discovery. 

"It's true," she says. Her voice is quiet but steady. "Everything he says is true."

The other princesses say nothing. They don't need to. The eldest has spoken for all of them. Their secret is exposed.

(Of course there is a happy ending; the hero marries the crown princess).

(Commentary)

Every night... They drug their watchers.

THE HOUSE SYSTEM IN DREARCLIFF GRANGE SCHOOL

• House-Based (absurd school divisions): Usually limited to old-fashioned British private/boarding schools (and those modelled on them), the House system is distinguished primarily by the fact that it's officially imposed by the school to foster competition (academic, athletic, etc.). In real life, Houses are distinguished by Theme Naming, Colour-Coded for Your Convenience, and often not much else, with student placement being either random or legacy-based. In fiction, they will frequently represent different personality types in the same way as organic cliques — you can expect to find an academic House, a sporty one, and so on.

Notably, in Drearcliff Grange School (a historical fantasy - Hogwarts but all-female instead of co-ed, located in Roaring 20s London) by Kim Newman, there is a house system based upon Shakespearean characters (both heroines and villainesses) and the Spice Girls of all things! So there are five houses!

• The five Houses in The Secrets of Drearcliff Grange School (each named after a Shakespeare heroine, with the exception of villainous Tamora) are presented as not mixing much, and each having a unique character (defined as scary, sporty, babies, posh, and "red-headed stepchildren", the ones who don't fit anywhere else). We're not told how Houses are assigned to girls who started as Firsts, but when Amy joins the school as a Third, she's put in Desdemona (the red-headed stepchildren) simply because a Desdemona Third has transferred out, and therefore there's a spare bed. Presumably, if she'd been put in one of the other Houses, she'd have been pressured into following the House stereotype. The school is further divided into Unusuals and Ordinaries.

• The traditional attributes of the five school Houses — Goneril, Tamora, Viola, Ariel, and Desdemona — are summarized as "sporty", "terrifying", "babies", "posh", and "red-headed stepchildren", respectively.

1. Goneril - sporty (Mel C): Gryffindor in its "athletic" aspect
2. Tamora: terrifying/scary (Mel B): Slytherin/Ravenclaw goths
3. Viola: babies (Emma): Hufflepuff womanchildren, the Maknae/Kouhai at least in spirit
4. Ariel: posh (Victoria): Slytherin upper-class toffs
5. Desdemona: redheaded stepchildren/gingers (Geri): Gryffindor and Hufflepuff in their "underdog" aspect; the house that the heroine and her friends are obviously in.

OTHER HOUSE SYSTEMS:

• Hogwarts students (the Trope Codifier) are divided into four houses (Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw) when they join the Wizarding School. Each year, they compete in a contest about getting the most school points on good behavior, and whichever house gets the most points at the end of the school year wins the House Cup. In addition, they also compete in a Quidditch tournament every year. This results in Hogwarts Houses being very tribalistic (especially between Gryffindor and Slytherin) and have wildly differing cultures, such as Slytherin having more support for blood purity and Ravenclaw being more intellectual. This setup derived from a dispute among the Hogwarts founders about which personality type (and in Salazar Slytherin's case, which ancestry) the school should recruit.
• While not every Slytherin turned out evil (they like to remind people that Merlin went there), almost every villain, jerk or unpleasant wizard in the series goes/went there, which explains why when Slytherin loses the House cup, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw gleefully celebrate Slytherin's defeat.
• Hermione actually lampshades the tribal nature of the whole arrangement, having little interest in it. Dumbledore himself wonders if maybe the Sorting should be done later, on seeing Slytherin Snape displaying considerable courage, a trait hardly common among Slytherins.
• Other good eggs in Slytherin were Horace Slughorn, Narcissa Malfoy, and her son Draco (post-redemption), and Andromeda Black, due to her lineage, was also surely a Slyth who turned out good (married a Muggle for love and was disowned, she and Ted were loving parents)
• Bad eggs in the other houses: Gryffindor Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew (traitor to the Potters and an important Death Eater), Ravenclaws Quirinius Quirrell (the Dark Lord's meatsuit)  and Gilderoy Lockhart (miles gloriosus impostor), and Hufflepuff Cedric Diggory (becomes Umbridge's head inquisitor in the bad future where he survived).

• Impractical Magic: Istima is referred to as the 'Six Court Academy'. There are stereotypes based on each court's unique hierarchy structure, public reputation, and how their different magics impact their world view. For instance, the rigid magic of the Autumn Court means the students are taught to follow rules and protocols strictly. They tend to be bureaucrats and lawyers. However, the Night Court's magic is based on individual will power and obstinance. They tend to have stubborn and personally charismatic leaders with little consistency between regimes. The story has a great deal of mingling between courts and lets characters be informed by learning to thrive in their specific court without being completely defined by it. Language of Magic: The Autumn and Summer Courts each use a language of magic. The Summer Court uses a strict written language that causes whatever is written/drawn to happen exactly as the runes describe, much like a programming language. The Autumn Court uses spoken languages and dialects that have more complex rules and room for interpretation.
• In The Magicians, third-year students at Brakebills are tested for their magical specialties (commonly known as Disciplines) and sorted into groups based on power categories: healing, knowledge, illusion, nature, and so on. Quentin Coldwater and Alice Quinn (protagonist and love interest, respectively) are sorted into the Physical Kids - the rarest grouping of all, known for practicing messy, brutal physic-based magic (the counterpart of the underdog aspect of Gryffindor). Each group has their own elaborate dorm room, though they're more like exclusive clubhouses - all of them strictly off-limits to outsiders. Several long-standing rivalries exist between each faction, especially between the Naturals and the Physical Kids (the Slytherin and Gryffindor counterparts in this universe); the only point in which the competition between them is put on hold occurs during the Training from Hell at Brakebills South (Antarctica) in the Fourth Year.

• Students in Fire Emblem: Three Houses are divided into the titular three houses depending upon their region of origin: the Black Eagles for the Adrestrian Empire, the Blue Lions for the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, and the Golden Deer for the Leicester Alliance, with each house specialising in certain weapons; the DLC adds the Ashen Wolves, a semi-official house for homeless students. You can recruit students to your house if you meet their requirements or your Support Points are high enough. Once the Time Skip occurs, everyone (with some exceptions) is united under your chosen house (or the Church of Seiros depending on your route).

• Twisted-Wonderland: The all-male Night Raven College, being based on the British house system in general and Harry Potter in particular, also has colour-coded houses where students are mostly grouped based on shared character traits, also the character traits of the houses' respective founders. The difference is that there are seven of them. And each house was founded by one of the villains from Disney Classics (Maleficent, Scar, Jafar, Hades, Grimhilde, Ursula, and the Queen of Hearts respectively), who here are reincarnated as the handsome prefects of each house. The rival heroes' academy, Royal Sword, has seven counterpart houses, founded by the heroines (protagonists and love interests) who opposed said villains (Aurora, Nala, Jasmine, Megara, Snow White, Ariel, and Alice respectively), who reincarnated as the handsome male prefects of Royal Sword!

• Gunnerkrigg Court: The school is divided into four houses, although they're not shown to compete with each other. Queslett and Thornhill are made up of ordinary human students, while Chester features students with magical abilities or supernatural backgrounds such as Brinnie (actually the Valkyrie Brünhilde) and Foley is made up of fairies and forest creatures who have taken on human bodies. Each house is further divided into north and south sections, making for eight classes in each year.
• Inverted in The Owl House. Despite students being divided based on what magic track they're taking (to the point of wearing different coloured uniforms), there isn't any social stigma involving inter-track friendships or romances. In fact, it's so common that there are only four intra-track relationships seen in the entire series (including background characters) that don't involve immediate family members.
• Not academic, but the Cabins in Camp Half-Blood are all with demigods sharing a divine parent: children of Hephaestus, of Ares, of Aphrodite, of Hermes... Hermes' children are the underdog misfits, like Desdemona and Gryffindor/Hufflepuffs and Physical Kids, while the Hephaestus Cabin includes a workshop for crafting anything, etc. At first there were no cabins for children of the Big 3 (Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon) because they swore an oath after WW2 not to sire any more children, since these were too powerful (Hitler was a son of Hades, and the Allied leaders were sons of Poseidon and Zeus; the war was also about their power struggles). However at the time the saga takes place, all three of the Big 3 have broken their oaths, which has repercussions - and the children they have had in the 90s and 2000s also get their cabins; as do the children of lesser gods like Nyx, Iris, Hecate, the Fates, etc.
• Black Butler: Weston College has four dorms based on flowers, colors, and animals that reflect the nature of the dorm students: the Scarlet Fox (rose), the Sapphire Owl (blue gentian), the Violet Wolf (purple dahlia), and the Green Lion (holly).
• Mashle: Magic and Muscles: Being a Hogwarts Expy, Easton Magic Academy is divided into three animal-themed houses: Adler (eagle), which values courage and conviction (Gryffindor expy); Orca (killer whale), which values wisdom (Ravenclaw expy); and Lang (wolf), which values ambition (Slytherin expy). No Hufflepuffs!
• The Harding-Pencroft Academy in the Riordanverse is a prestigious school for children and teens who aim for maritime careers. It has four houses named after different sea species that students are sorted into one of four houses based on what subjects they are studying: House Dolphin (for communications, exploration, cryptography, and counterintelligence), House Shark (for command, combat, weapons systems, and logistics), House Cephalopod (which covers engineering, applied mechanics, innovation, and defensive systems) and House Orca (not to be confused with its Easton counterpart: ts students study medicine, psychology, education, marine biology, the humanities, and communal memory).
• In the Discworld, the Assassins' Guild School, after going co-educational, has four residential Houses dedicated to the Education of Young Ladies. These are all named after attitudinal animals known to have an aggressively assertive attitude, and in at least two cases, a conclusive way of dealing with males of the species who become superfluous to requirements. These are called Black Widow House, Raven House, Scorpion House, and Praying Mantis House.
• After their first year at Brakebills, students are evaluated for their magical specialties known as Disciplines and then sorted into groups based on them: Natural, Healing, Knowledge, Illusion, and Physical. Though the groups are technically informal, they all possess an Exclusive Clique Clubhouse, long-running rivalries exist between many of them, and it's very common for the Disciplines to be pitted against each other in school competitions.
• Pale Lights: Since Scholomance is intended to be the school for the rising elites of the Watch, the student body is split between the seven covenants that make up the upper ranks of the organization:

1. The Academy / Stripes, as the officers and politicians of the Watch, are the largest of the covenants by far, charged with effectively keeping the whole organization running. Students are expected to lead other covenanters and feud against one another for power.
2. The Akelarre Guild / Navigators consist of mad witches with mastery over the eldritch Gloam, making them inseparable from treacherous seafaring operations that must traverse the eternal black night that covers the seas. They're one of the more insular covenants, so their students partake in all manner of unique and secret rituals to master their deadly magical powers.
3. The Skiritai Guild / Militants are the killers and best warriors of the Watch. Their classes pretty much exclusively consist of being thrown into the fray against deadly monsters, sharpening the survivors into skilled masters of warfare.
4. The Peiling Society / Savants study “theistic metaphysics”, researching how natural sciences such as math and biology intersect with gods and spirits.
5. The Umuthi Society / Tinkers, focused on technology, are split into two factions: the Clockwork Cathedral, based on mundane devices (Not only clockwork, but also things like computers and smart devices); and the Deuteronomicon, which study spirit-fueled machines. Their students have the run of special workshops where they can design all manner of mad, frequently explosive inventions.
6. The Arthashastra Society / Laurels cover a broad collection of historians, diplomats, and related careers in the social sciences and humanities.
7. The Krypteia / Masks are the spies of the Watch, ferreting out the secrets of both mad cults and the officers of the Watch themselves. Their students face some of the more harrowing tests, surviving death traps and conducting espionage and blackmail against their own classmates—all while their teachers monitor their loyalty, ready to snap their necks if they're deemed unreliable.

• As a Harry Potter parody Writing Around Trademarks, the four wizarding school houses in Puffs the Play are dubbed the Puffs, Braves, Smarts, and Snakes. The main characters are all Puffs and must contend with the fact that they were sorted into the house of Perennial Losers.
• The Owl House: Rather than a house system, Hexside has a system of nine tracks that correspond to the nine major covens on the Boiling Isles (not counting the Emperor's Coven)—Abomination, Bard, Beastkeeping, Construction, Healing, Illusion, Oracle, Plant, and Potions. Each one comes with a track color, uniform, and crest to represent their track and future coven. While initially disallowed, students are eventually permitted to take multiple tracks, including Luz, who is allowed to study some of every track at Hexside. In a very deliberate nod at the Harry Potter franchise, Hexside students used to be sorted into tracks by the Choosy Hat, but the hat was decommissioned and locked up when it started trying to eat the students rather than sort them. The series later reveals that there’s a dark intention behind the Coven system: that it was created by a Puritan witch hunter in an effort to control wild magic and bind every witch and warlocks in the Isles to a spell that will kill them all on the Day of Unity.

SNOW QUEEN - THE MIDNIGHT ARCHIVES

 Our favourite Christmas fairytale by Andersen as a NOVEL-LENGTH, TWO-HOUR podcast. Tells the story with many details, but shortening the Prince and Princess subplot in Story the Fourth to a few sentences - I tell it in the comments:

 

MY COMMENTS:

You could have done the Princess subplot in all details - how she reads all newspapers in the world, but is bored and lonely, and issues an engagement challenge in search of a kindred spirit, how on the first and second day the suitors are all struck with Stendhal syndrome in the throne room, how on the third day the Prince, Kai's equal but somewhat older, salutes the guards and nods at the servants, and is unfazed by all that splendour, in spite of his Wellington boots squaking loudly - and he is not only young and clever, but also afraid of boredom and looking for someone. The icing on the cake is when he addresses her as a friend, full of confidence: "He was dashing and charming, and had not come to woo the princess but to hear her wisdom, and he liked it, he liked her, and she liked him in return." This is my favourite part of the fairytale, and because I identify with the prince and princess, my favourite characters - young and intelligent, multilingual, but bored and lonely, always in need of company. And also, when Gerda and Kai are returning home, the Robber Maiden tells them that the prince and princess "are travelling through foreign lands," surely on honeymoon! Why didn''t you tell that whole story??

 I also say that there are longer Andersen stories than The Snow Queen, and that the Snow Queen's palace is in the Finmark (Norwegian Arctic), not in Finland where there is a warmer climate:

Love that you said "Finmark" in the original while most translations have "Finland" - the Finmark is the Norwegian Arctic, a place with an Arctic climate and permafrost, where the Snow Queen's Palace is most likely to be located; Finland has a warmer climate.

And the Snow Queen is not Andersen's longest story. Check out "the Galoshes of Fortune," about a pair of Wellington boots that grant wishes at a price, and "the Swamp King's Daughter," about a half-human girl who is an evil human by day and a kind frog by night (somewhat like Fiona in Shrek) during the times of the Vikings. Those stories are even far longer, and they deal with equally interesting themes!

LES MIS DnD AU (Vox Machina Style)

THIS AU IS ONLY VOX MACHINA OR MIGHTY NEIN STYLE - THINK OF IT AS A DND UNIVERSE IN GENERAL

I think of this story as kind of Journey to the West or Wizard of Oz - a group of companions with different personalities (a balanced party) going on a quest (likewise, leaving their homeland in the East to find some sacred texts in the West). Also a lot of inspiration from the Holy Grail mythos (especially, but not only, the Monty Python versions!). This is actually a fanfic epic written by Courf in the Hogwarts AU El semen de los ahorcados!

At first only the Main Five are on that quest, being chosen by the gods to find the Sacred Texts, then I'll add Marius, Éponine, and other secondary characters who don't join the party (Ranger Éponine and her little brother Gavroche are guest star party members). Their main characterizations are from El semen de los ahorcados (Hogwarts AU) and from Eleven Moons Duology (Aritsar AU), but in a DnD universe. 

Same pairings as always: Enjoltaire, Courferre, Éposette, etc. Like in these other AUs, characters from other universes like Count Jean de Satigny, Eugénie Danglars and Louise d'Armilly, Éloïse de Villefort, even Josuke, Koichi, and Okuyasu... and many others will show up.

THE CORE FIVE

Enjolras / Paragon Enjolras: human paladin, only child from a very conservative and religious family. Aroace... or is he? Takes up the role of Tripitaka, being the pure-hearted leader who is given the quest in a vision by the gods

Combeferre / Jules-François Combeferre: halfling artificer, quite the Renaissance person (alchemist, gunsmith, electrician, robot maker, you name it). Takes up the role of Sha Wujing (Sandy, the merman), being the most level-headed, though he can give in under pressure. One of the four chosen guardians.

Courfeyrac / Sejanus Cassio de Courfeyrac: catboy (nekomata) rogue/ninja, from a noble family but now a Goliard on the fringes of the law (personality-wise, somewhat like Naruto mixed with Josuke), Combeferre's matesprit. Like Nepeta Leijon, speaks in kitty puns (says for instance "mew" instead of "you"). Takes up the role of Sun Wukong (Monkey King), being the trickster who questions authority and tricks everyone, on a redemption quest - used to be the King of Thieves, but lost his throne on a bet against Montparnasse, and is now a mercenary. One of the four chosen guardians.

Grantaire / René "Grand R": half-elf half-human Cobalt Soul monk/drunken master (lots of inspiration from both Okuyasu and Rock Lee), also a Goliard, Enj's matesprit (though at first Enj won't realize it). Expelled from his order for breaking his vow of chastity. Takes up the role of Zhu Wuneng (Pigsy), being the most self-indulgent member of the party. Another mercenary. One of the four chosen guardians.

Jehanne Prouvaire: elf bard, only child, trans girl, modest offstage but flamboyant on stage, more of a Celtic bard vibe. Takes up the role of Yulong (Dragon Horse) more or less, being the most modest yet the most powerful member, whose magic is only used as a last resort. Also for being gender fluid (Yulong turns more than once into a human woman to seduce/distract opponents). The last of the four chosen guardians.

MINOR CHARACTERS.

Éponine Thénardier: half-drow ranger, dragon rider, guest star party member - in unrequited love with Cosette ('tis a pity she's straight...)

Gavroche Thénardier: youngest of the Thénardiers and team pet (somehow), fully human... or so it seems. Is also a hybrid, though it doesn't manifest until puberty

Azelma Thénardier: the middle child, aspiring rogue, fully human. Becomes Montparnasse's right-hand woman and partner, the Queen of Thieves

Bahorel: berserker, human

Henriette: berserker, dwarf, Bahorel's partner

Jo-Lee: human alchemist/healer, hypochondriac

Lesgles "Bossuet": human (black) necromancer

Musichetta: half-elf bard, more of a classical musician vibe than Jehanne Prouvaire (with Lesgles and Jo-Lee, these three form a trio of mercenaries)

Marius Pontmercy: half-elf scholar (translator) and gunslinger, raised by his human aristocratic maternal family, rediscovering his elven heritage. The kouhai/maknae of most characters.

Cosette: half-elf cleric, raised in a convent. Very conscious of breaking her religious vows. In love with Marius (and vice versa: they even become fiancés)

Jean Valjean: human druid, Cosette's stepfather/guardian, gardener

Étienne Javert: half-drow paladin, Valjean's partner, Cosette's other stepdad

Montparnasse / Caractacus Montparnasse: blue-skinned tiefling (half-oni) rogue, "King of Thieves," Éponine's ex and Enj's kismesis

TAPEWORMS AND MAGGOTS IN THE UGLY STEPSISTER

 

A biological Chekhov's Gun, slowly growing inside of her, helping her to lose weight.

Worms, in The Ugly Stepsister (Norwegian dark retelling of Cinderella), symbolize unrealistic beauty standards and the pains to achieve them. Elvira (STEPSISTER protagonist) swallows a tapeworm egg to lose weight at the expense of her own health such as extreme hunger pains and balding. As Elvira consumes spaghetti, invoking the consumption of worms, she forces her more beautiful stepsister Agnes (Cinderella) whose also her rival for Prince Julian's hand in marriage, to bathe her and read Prince Julian's poetry to her. Agnes retaliates by pointing out Elvira's balding head. Meanwhile this is juxtaposed with Otto's (Agnes' dead father's) corpse as maggots consume his decaying body. Four of those maggots become silkworms as they repair Agnes's ball gown that Elvira destroyed in a fit of jealousy. Agnes wears the repaired gown at the ball, and Prince Julian falls in love with her at first sight just moments after falling in love with Elvira. Elvira has a mental breakdown and hallucinates maggots crawling all over the food female dancers. She runs off and throws up tapeworm eggs. At the end of the film, her younger sister Alma removes the tapeworm from Elvira, symbolizing her freedom from such impossible beauty standards.

Because Otto was never buried, we watch his corpse slowly decay. At first his body is in good condition. Then we see it covered in flies. This understandably scares his daughter Agnes. Then we see maggots swarming and crawling out of every orifice on his face. Finally, the Post-Credits Scene shows his corpse mummified and covered in spiderwebs.

Madame Wandzia comforts Elvira that she is very brave for changing her outward appearance to match her inner beauty, the first real compliment Elvira has ever received. It quickly becomes Unnervingly Heartwarming when Madame Wandzia gifts Elvira a tapeworm egg to swallow to help her lose weight. This goes to highlight how even the kind and genuinely well-intentioned characters in this story can still be just as toxic as the very regime

Crossing over with Nausea Fuel, Elvira has a mental breakdown after the Prince leaves her for another beautiful woman (Agnes). As she spins and twirls, she hallucinates maggots covering the tables of food and the ladies at the ball. This culminates in her rushing off and vomiting tapeworm eggs as she cries to her unsympathetic mother that she's dying.

Alma pulls a fully grown tapeworm out of Elvira's mouth. It's the first step to Elvira's recovery, but it's still unnerving and disgusting to watch.

A SHORT, SUCCINCT GUIDE TO THE YULE LADS

One summer before the pandemic, Dad and I spent a lovely week in Iceland, and I loved everything: the language (practically unchanged Old Norse), the food, the landscapes, the history, the art and literature, the capital (Reykjavik is quaintly Nordic, the size of Castellón, and it's impossible to get lost - I warmly recommend the Penis Museum and a sculpture museum with statues based upon Norse myths - there is a Penis Museum; I will blog about it someday), but especially the Yule Family, though Christmas was half a year away. 

As the years went by, the Yule Family, especially the Yule Lads, but also their parents and family pet to a lesser degree, became stars and global celebrities - so why not give you my certified guide to the entire Yule Family? The source is Yule Is Coming, Jólin koma, a famous folk song that describes the family in detail, but I also add my own headcanons.

YULE LADS

The Yule Lads are the gift-givers, but also the tricksters, of Icelandic winters. Think the Seven Dwarves, but there are 13 of them and far more mischievous (is this why there are 13 dwarves in The Hobbit? Was Tolkien inspired?), though some of them are far more mischievous than others. Every Yule they come down from the icy volcanic interior of Iceland to the farms and towns that dot the coast of the land and make a grand tour, my headcanon is that they start in Reykjavik and from there go counter-clockwise around the entire coastline, harassing the local people and farm animals, but also leaving gifts everywhere along the way.

1. Sheepcot Clod: His favourite food is sheep's milk, preferently straight from the ewe's udders. Fortunately, most Icelanders live in rural areas, so it's an easy craving to satisfy... if he didn't have TWO peg legs, making it impossible for him to bend the knees, the low-hanging udders always tantalizing him!
2. Gully-Gawk: His favourite food is cow's milk, preferently straight from the cow's udders. Especially the fat and the foam on top of the milk. Fortunately, most Icelanders live in rural areas, so it's an easy craving to satisfy... he hides in gullies and enters the stable when everyone's guard is down. Also, he has no peg legs. In towns like Reykjavik, I presume he raids fridges and supermarkets.
3. Stubby: Hide your frying pans and woks well, or wash them the best way you can, because short little Stubby loves the food crusts on woks and frying pans!
4. Spoon-Licker: He looks more than thin, emaciated to be more precise, because he only licks the globs of food on wooden spoons (wash them well!). Seems to have an eating disorder, preferently anorexia nervosa.
5. Pot-Scraper: Like his name suggests, he loves scraping the crusts on cooking pots, just like Stubby eats those on frying pans.
6. Bowl-Licker: Has the weirdest craving of this quartet (do you see a pattern?), namely, he eats the pet food that your pets haven't eaten, straight from the pet food bowl. He appears to suffer from pica, like Candle-Stealer below. I headcanon all the Lickers and Pot-Scraper as quadruplets, for obvious reasons.
7. Door-Slammer: A frustrated percussionist, who slams all the doors for pleasure in the middle of the winter nights, welcoming air drafts that cut like swords. Someone please give him a drum set!
8. Skyr-Gobbler: my absolute favourite, since we both adore skyr (Icelandic yoghurt, also available in both Spain and Sweden), but his obsession comes to the point of looking like a drug addiction. In rural areas, "he lambasted the skyr tub (a big barrel where country folk make craft skyr) until the lid it broke." In towns like Reykjavik, I presume he raids fridges and supermarkets.
9. Sausage-Swiper: Loves to, well, swipe sausages (Sausage-Swiper, don't swipe sausages! Sausage-Swiper, don't swipe sausages! - said in a Dora the Explorer voice!) dropping down from the ceiling, à la Mission: Impossible.
10. Window-Peeper: described in Yule Is Coming as "a creepy little twit," and definitely the creepiest member of the Yule Family. My least favourite. Loves to, well, peep through windows (In towns like Reykjavik, I presume, through opera glasses), according to the poem for looking for valuables to steal, but in my headcanon also to watch out for more valuable things - ie to spy on attractive young ladies, and certainly on attractive young men, whilst they undress. Makes Santa's "He watches when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake," sound far more innocent in comparison. If your Elf on the Shelf looks particularly fishy or ugly, please cover his eyes: you may have let in a Trojan Horse Window Peeper into your home!
11. Threshold-Sniffer: has a remarkably large nose. Think Cyrano and J.P. Morgan added together. He has a particularly strong sense of smell, especially for Icelandic gingerbread , which is fried (though he also accepts regular, baked, gingerbread), and he always sniffs from the threshold to ensure that there is some gingerbread at home. Best to keep these Yuletide biscuits in a safe or under lock and key!
12. Meat Hook: Has a hook in place of his right hand (how did he lose his real hand? Was it more like Captain Hook or more like Jaime Lannister?) and uses it to get the lamb shanks that are the stars of Icelandic Christmas. Best to keep that lamb somewhere safe too!
13. Candle-Stealer: Last of all, the most ambiguous. Gives the largest and most expensive gifts, but enjoys stealing and eating candles, being in love with the texture and taste of wax - he definitely has pica, just like Bowl-Licker (I have eaten candles myself, since I have pica myself, and also raw pasta, raw rice, everything crunchy or crispy, napkins, and toilet paper - but I find pet food revolting!). In the medieval and early modern periods, before electric light, fires and candles were crucial for surviving the Arctic winter, so Candle-Stealer has the largest body count of all the Lads.

THE LADS' PARENTS

Of course they must have a mum, a dad (or in this case a stepdad), and a family pet! Though, this being the Yule Family, Mum, Dad, and the pets are definitely far more monstrous.

Mama Gryla gave the thirteen Lads, her children, giantess' milk, because she is a giantess, one of the jötnar of Norse mythology that were already mentioned in the Eddas. Like her kids, she leaves the Yule Family cave in December and makes a grand tour of the coast line, abducting misbehaving and disobedient human children, whom she stuffs inside her sack (which, like Santa's sack - and Hermione's handbag, and Mary Poppins' carpet bag - is a lot like a TARDIS, considerably roomier inside!). Back at home, she slaughters all the kids she's captured and makes her special stew for the entire clan (2 giant parents, 13 dwarf children, and a cat the size of a house: that's 16): there's enough to feed them all for the rest of the year, when the Yule Lads are not feeding on their respective favourite foods along the coast.

Her third and current husband, Leppalúdi, is only the Yule Lads' stepdad: their real dads are gone, and they were most likely dwarves themselves. These two dwarves were most likely eaten in harder times, when there was not enough food to go around. I headcanon Leppalúdi as an extreme case of couch potato, always playing videogames and watching sitcoms on a TV that Gryla stole for him on one of her raids because he always complained about life being tedious in the Yule Family cave. Leppalúdi even pees and poos in a chamber pot beneath a hole in the sofa, at anus height.

YULE CAT

And then, of course, there is the family pet, the house-sized Yule Cat, with exceedingly fluffy fur and big padded feet to withstand the Arctic winter. Now a cat that size won't feed on songbirds, frogs, or any other prey of normal-sized housecats. The Yule Cat preys on people. Humans. And not just any humans... Those who have not tried on the winter clothes that they have received for Christmas. Yes, I know, clothes for Christmas is such a disappointment to many (as a kid, I would rather prefer "hard" presents like dolls, storybooks, CDs, DVDs, or VHSs!). But it was key to survival in the Arctic winter before the electric heating, making the Yule Cat as much as a serial killer as Candle-Stealer. The Yule Cat plays a little with his human prey, as if they were songbirds or the other prey of a normal-sized cat, and then, when he gets bored, either devours them alive or takes them to Gryla, depending on how full his stomach is. Only Stubby can tame the Yule Cat, and he rides the huge beast across the wintry countryside.

ALL THE GHOSTS OF DICKENS' CHRISTMAS

Famous trick question: "How many ghosts visit Scrooge on Christmas Eve?" Everyone would guess three, but it's actually FOUR. Everyone forgets about poor Jacob Marley, but he's as important as the other three because he shows Scrooge his AFTERLIFE. So Scrooge gets to see even what comes AFTER Christmas Future. That then he would be stuck between Heaven and Hell. The other three ghosts are still important: Christmas Past is Memory, a being of light always changing age and gender. Christmas Present is Joy, a pagan Santa in green and holly enthroned on a mountain of good food (in spite of the children under his robe). And Christmas Future is Death (the bony hands, the black cowl - missing the scythe, but everyone gets the gist). All four ghosts contribute to Scrooge waking up a far better man, at peace with his past, full of joy, conscious of death and of the afterlife.

Perhaps that's why the Christmas Carol has been adapted every winter season, sometimes more than once, while other Yuletide classics like the Snow Queen and the Nutcracker get shorter shrift. That, and because ghosts and time travel are very popular now and were in the Victorian era!