LANDS OF LORE I: TORELORE

From my wordlist:

• Torelore: a fantasy kingdom and castle-state, in which gender roles were completely inverted and the all-female army fought with innocuous weapons made from eggs, fruit, flowers... led by the Queen herself on horseback. The location of this country is still unknown, but we know nowadays it was a modest realm, consisting of the coastal royal castle, a small port nearby, and a wild feudal hinterland.

A far-off country, the port of the castle of Torelore. Then they asked to what realm they had fared, and men told them that it was the fief of the King of Torelore. Then inquired what manner of man was this king, and whether there was any war, and men answered —

“Yes, a mighty war.”

We came to the castle. 

Then, I asked where the King might be found, and was told that he was in child-bed.

“Where, then, is his wife?”

And they answered that she was with the host, and had carried with her all the armed men of those parts.
... climbed the palace stair, and searched until we came to the chamber where the King lay.

Now is sung:

 

There before the couch I stayed
Where the King, alone, was laid,
Marked the King, and marked the bed,
Marked this lying-in, then said,
“Fool, why doest thou this thing?”

I’m a mother,” quoth the King:
“When my month is gone at length,
And I come to health and strength.
Then shall I hear Mass once more
As my fathers did before,
Arm me lightly, take my lance,
Set my foe a right fair dance,
          Where horses prance.”

"no man shall never lie in child-bed in your realm again.”

The King rode at adventure until he came to where the Queen was set, and they found that the battle was joined with roasted crab-apples and eggs and fresh cheeses. 

Now is sung:

Marked the set and stricken field,

Cheered the hearts that would not yield.

They had carried to the fight

Mushrooms, apples baked aright,

And for arrows, if you please,

Pelted each with good fresh cheese.

He who muddied most the ford

Bore the prize in that award. 

When we saw this strange sight I went to the King and asked of him —“Sire, are these your foes?” 

“Yea, sire,” answered the King. 

“And would you that I should avenge you on them?” 

“Yea,” answered he, “right willingly.” 

So one of us took sword in hand, and throwing himself in the mêlée, struck fiercely on the right and on the left, and slew many. When the King saw the death that our general dealt he snatched at his bridle and cried —

“Hold, fair sire, deal not with them so cruelly.” 

“What!" , “was it not your wish that I should avenge you on your enemies?”

“Sire,” replied the King, “too ready is such payment as yours. it is not our custom, nor theirs, to fight a quarrel to the death.”
Thereon the foeman fled the field.

The King returned in triumph to the castle of Torelore, and the men of the country persuaded the King that he should cast one of our men forth from the realm, and give my hand to his son, for the one who tells this story seemed a fair woman of high lineage. 

Now is sung:

Simple folk, and simple King,

Deeming maid so slight a thing

When my lover finds me sweet,

Sweetly shapen, brow to feet,

Then know I such dalliance,

No delight of harp, or dance,

Sweetest tune, or fairest mirth,

All the play of all the earth

          Seems aught of worth. 

We abode in the castle of Torelore in ease and great delight. While our days passed in so easy and delightful a manner a great company of Saracens came in galleys overseas and beset the castle, and presently took it by storm. They gathered together the spoil, and bore off the townsfolk, both men and women, into captivity. 

Fortunately, I escaped and washed upon a foreign shore, where I was told that I had lived at the castle of Torelore in all ease for three full years.