GOLDEN HEMORRHOIDS (AND GOLDEN RATS)

Once more I cast a glance at the Holy Bible and at the passages that are absent from kids' Bibles for a good reason. You have maybe already read on this blog about Ezekiel 23:20 (Egyptian lovers with members like those of donkeys and flow like that of stallions), but now let us look at another passage in the Good Book that has brought me many a good laugh.

When the Philistines, the pagan enemies of Israel, finally captured the Covenant Ark at the Battle of Eben-Ezer (and killed 10.000 Israelites in that battle), the LORD punished them by striking them down with painful hemorrhoids. Such was the pain that they could not even sit down. Those hemorrhoids even caused death to some people! In order to get rid of the excruciating and even lethal ailment, the Philistines shuttled the Ark from town to town (it was for a while in Goliath's hometown of Gath), but to no avail, as it brought death and hemorrhoids to the locals wherever it went. Along with the hemorrhoids came plagues of rats that ate all the Philistines' grain and spread lethal infectious diseases, like the plague. In the end they were happy to return the Ark to its rightful Israelite owners, along with a guilt offering of five newly-crafted solid gold sculptures of rats and five newly-crafted solid gold sculptures of buttocks with prominent hemorrhoids, one for each of the five different Philistine towns that had hosted the Covenant Ark and the subsequent rat plagues and hemorrhoid outbreaks, as the Philistine soothsayers had told them to do. These ten sculptures and the Covenant Ark were put in a wagon drawn by two dairy cows, which had never been yoked before (any significance on why dairy cows? The soothsayers had also said so, but why?), the wagon headed straight for Israel without any wavering, and the Israelites recovered their beloved Ark along with five golden rats and five golden butts with hemorrhoids. Only then were the Philistines' lands free of both hemorrhoids and rat swarms.

This appears in the First Book of Samuel (1 Samuel), Chapter 6. Or 1 Sam 1:6 for short

PS. The King James Version calls the hemorrhoids "emerods," a word that is a phonetic transcription and archaic term no one uses anymore... Therefore one might find the Google search "what are emerods in the Bible?"

Alexander Hislop was WRONG!!!

The belief of both Jack Chick and Jehovah's Witnesses that all pagan gods and goddesses (even all deities within the same faiths) worldwide hail from a single cultural hearth that spread worldwide, and that holidays and festivals, as well as rituals (especially Catholic ones), hail from pagan festivals and rituals, can be traced to a Victorian Presbyterian Scottish preacher called Alexander Hislop. His doctrine is called hyperdiffusionism and is wrong. All deities, if they have a common origin, it is humanity, the human race as a whole, not a common cultural hearth, be it Egyptian, Assyrian, Hellenistic Greece, from a sunken civilization (Muvian or Atlantean), or even from outer space. It would be preposterous to say, for instance, that Hera, Athena, Aphrodite, Artemis, and Hestia sprang from one and the same source, not to mention Isis, Amaterasu, and the White Buffalo Woman. Still there are archetypes (queen goddesses, mother goddesses, love goddesses, king gods, storm gods, war gods, ocean deities, etc.) that reoccur across cultures worldwide.

As for holidays and festivals, they commonly coincide with the change of seasons (Easter/Ostara with the spring equinox, Yule/Christmas/Sol Invictus with the winter equinox, Halloween/Samhain with mid-autumn, Saint Patrick also takes place slightly before the spring equinox, etc.).

Alexander Hislop's hyperdiffusionism was used as a doctrine as a canard against Catholics. Nowadays, although hyperdiffusionism has been relegated to pseudohistory by serious historians, some religious fundamentalists like Jehovah's Witnesses or Jack Chick, or The Covenant, the Sword, and the Arm of the Lord repeat Hislop's ideas ad nauseam, often claiming that Satan himself is the power behind paganism.

EZEKIEL 23:20 - flow like the flow of stallions

 

Ah, the Book of Ezekiel. The biblical prophet best known nowadays for having seen flying heavenly wheels in the sky that may or may not have been UFOs. (Et oui, I subscribe to the UFO hypothesis.)

But what if I told you that Ezekiel had seen even weirder things than wheels in the sky? And what has the horse in the picture above got to do with it? Consider that Anglophone nursery rhyme that is so insufficient for teaching the skeletal system to six-year-olds:

The toe bone's connected to the foot bone,

the foot bone's connected to the ankle bone,

And so forth. As if we only had ONE bone on each toe, ONE bone on each foot, ONE bone on each ankle, and the list goes on!!! See WHY this song is insufficient for teaching the skeletal system?

That came also from a vision of Ezekiel's. He found himself in a dry valley full of human bones and all of a sudden the bones gradually connected at their joints, like puzzle pieces falling into place, until standing before Ezekiel there was a large army of human skeletons. Then things got even scarier as the skeletons were gradually covered in organs, muscle, skin, hair, and clothing, and a full horde of zombies began to march across the Holy Land.

All right, that was one creepy vision, but where does the horse fit in?

In Chapter 23, which is (along with the Song of Songs) one of the finest pieces of Biblical erotica. There is lusting after military officers in brightly-coloured uniform (fetishism: check), bosoms fondled and nipples squeezed till they're bruised blue, a whore has her tits, ears, and nose cut off as punishment (or maybe to keep an STD from spreading?), but if you want Chapter and Verse for the most lurid detail, Ezekiel 23:20 has you covered!

Ezekiel 23:20 Which reads: "There (in Egypt) she (Judah) lusted after her lovers (in Hebrew pilagesh פִּֽלַגְשֵׁיהֶ֑ם, can be used of either male or female lovers, translated "paramours" in the King James Version), whose genitals (besar or basar בְּשַׂר־, literally flesh or physical body, translated "flesh" in the KJV) were like those of donkeys and whose emission (zirmat וְזִרְמַ֥ת, literally flow of liquid or downpour, translated "issue" in the KJV) was like that of horses." This passage gets amused reactions from non-religious readers for how easily it's taken it out-of-context.

23:20

NASB, NKJV,
NRSV"paramours"
TEV"oversexed men"
NJB"big-membered"
NIV Interlinear"genitals"
Peshitta"male organs"
REB"members"

Though it is crude to modern standards Ezekiel is suggesting

1. large penis

2. strong ejaculation

The NIV translation captures the sense well! These sexual metaphors are meant to shock and nauseate the Chosen People about their idolatry (i.e., foreign alliances). Here Ezekiel is referring, on one hand, both to political alliances between Pharaonic Egypt and the Southern Kingdom of Judah; on the other, to worship of Egyptian gods in the Southern Kingdom. Using zoophilia as a metaphor for added shock value... Often the sexual metaphors are also literal because the fertility gods of the Ancient Near East are the national gods.

Wycliffe "as the membris of horsis ben the membris of hem."

NASB, NKJV"issue of horses"

NRSV"emission of stallions"

NJB"ejaculating as violently as stallions"

CJB "who ejaculate like stallions"

LXX"members of horses"

Peshitta"whose privates are like those of horses"

JPSOA"whose organs were like those of stallions"

USCCB "whose thrusts are like those of stallions"

LSV "And the emission of horses—their emission."

This term (BDB 281, zirmat וְזִרְמַ֥ת in Hebrew) refers either to a sexually ready male organ or a powerful ejaculation. It occurs only here in the Bible. It is a hapax legomenon.

In ancient cultures, male donkeys and horses were renowned for their sexual drive in heat. As a result, they became a metaphor in that time and culture for hyperactive sexual lust. Ezekiel, or Yahweh, is using that same association, that was common in that culture, to condemn Judah's out-of-control appetite (for idolatry, for power). So he says Judah pursued Egypt's gods and/or alliances with Egypt with as much zeal as a male donkey or stallion would pursue a mate. And they lusted after Egypt's gods and/or alliances with Egypt like following a horse's issue (of semen, winkwink!). Now, that may sound worse than it is to some, because the Hebrew word for "issue" here is a feminine word for "issue" (zirmat) which refers to (this critic, Stephen Armstrong, interprets it as) the female's bodily fluid, not the male's; the mare's, the female horse's discharge of bodily fluid while in heat. And why is he referring to that? Because that is what attracts the male (the pheromones), the stallion, the male horse. This discharge that tells a male that the female of the species is in heat and ready to mate! Okay? So what the LORD is describing in Judah's case here is saying that Judah was calling as if it were to the Egyptian gods, to come her way, to come mate with her as it were, as if she were a mare in heat trying to attract a stud horse.

And in that culture they understood a stud horse to have the strongest sexual desire they'd ever seen; they'd go crazy trying to mate.

The LORD is mocking Judah, obviously, making them appear as debased as they truly were by using graphic sexual language, which has a potent impact on the listener. It's shocking. It's provocative.

"... lusted after her paramours there (in Egypt), whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions." (Ezekiel 23:20).

“Members,” as used above, are a euphemism for penises. Concerning the seminal emission or ejaculating imagery, it is noteworthy to mention that the horse was the hieroglyph that Egyptians used for a lustful person. Verse 23:20, in the Complete Jewish Bible, states, “Yes, she lusted after their male prostitutes, whose members [genitals] are like those of donkeys and who ejaculate like stallions,” (Ezekiel 23:20, CJB).

20 She ·wanted men [lusted after lovers] ·who behaved like animals in their sexual desire [or whose genitals/L flesh were the size/L flesh of donkeys and seminal emission like that of horses]

Vulgate by Saint Jerome: Et insanivit libidine super concubitum eorum, quorum carnes sunt ut carnes asinorum, et sicut fluxus equorum fluxus eorum.

Hesekiel 23:20, Bibel 2000

20

och hon upptändes av begär efter vällustingarna där med kön som åsnor och säd som hingstar.

Liten förklaring: "vällustingar": älskare / "där": i Egypten / "kön": storlek på penis / "säd": mängd utlösning: en hingst har upp till 300 milliliter, tillräckligt för att fylla en genomsnittlig ölburk

Janis Nelson

... and lusted after her paramours there (in Egypt) ("paramours" are lovers, especially the illicit partner of a married person), whose members were like those of donkeys (you're talking about a penis 14 to 18 inches in length and 5 to 10 inches in diameter; that's large!), and whose emission was like that of stallions (that is a normal ejaculation volume of 25 to 100 milliliters, but may be as great as 300 ml. Convert milliliters to ounces and that would be more than 12 oz. of semen. My goodness!). Remember In Ezekiel Chapter 16 Verse 26 Judah loved the Egyptians, her former slaveholders, who were known for their physical endowment, meaning their large penises. In Chapter 23 Ezekiel's language is coarse, but the coarse language is used to shock and to reflect Yahweh's own disgust with sin.

Now this quote by Janis Nelson about Ezekiel 16:26 in comparison actually sent me down a rabbit hole to look that passage up. There are more spots where Ezekiel 23 echoes Ezekiel 16, not only in exaggerating the penis size of Egyptians for shock value, and he even uses the same word! 

The expression used in Ezekiel 16:26 of the Egyptians is usually translated "great of flesh", including in the KJV. More modern versions have "with the great sexual organs" or "with the great genitals," "big-membered" or "well-endowed" or more freely "lustful" or "very fleshly." In the original Hebrew it is "gidley-basar" גִּדְלֵ֣י יבְּשַׂר the latter part of the term being the same euphemism we have met before for the penis in our discussions of Ezekiel 23:20, besar or basar בְּשַׂר־, literally flesh or physical body, literally translated "flesh" like in the other passage in the KJV, but with the same sense of "penis." Apparently Ezekiel used "basar"/"besar" בְּשַׂר־, as a recurring word for "penis" and the King James translators always translated this literally as "flesh".

Bibel 2000 Hesekiel 16:26

egypterna (sic), ... med stor lem, 

Biblias castellanas Ezequiel 16:26

Oso y Reina-Valera 

"los egipcios ... de cuerpos robustos" (eufemismo)

Biblias castellanas Ezequiel 23:20

Oso y Reina-Valera 

Y enamoróse de sus rufianes (los de Egipto), cuya carne es como carne de asnos; y cuyo fluxo, como fluxo de cauallos.

(La palabra aquí traducida "carne" es la que se tradujo "cuerpo" en el pasaje anterior para referirse literalmente al pene en el texto origen en ambos casos).

12 ounces/300 milliliters is enough to fill your standard aluminium can! Imagine a can like that filled with you-know-what, from a horse or human I don't care!

This passage also conjures up imagery of the "lovers" or "paramours" in question as powerful centaurs, humanoid from the waist upwards and equine from the waist downwards. Sure enough, lots of warrior centaurs appear in this period in both Mesopotamian boundary stones, steles that marked the limits of provinces, and Greek mythology, where the average male centaur is, with a few exceptions (I am looking at you, Chiron), a potent creature driven by basic instincts like an intense thirst for strong drink and an intense sexual drive for human maidens, barely able to control these instinctive impulses (which led to, for instance, the infamous Centauromachy). Riding in and of itself is an act not bereft of sexual innuendo either ("monter" in French, "montar" or "cabalgar" in Spanish, "at ride" in Danish... can mean either to ride or to have sexual intercourse). 

Also, the horses or jackasses are referred to as the powerful forces as well as the military of the kingdoms of Egypt and Assyria.

The reader understands that Yahweh hated the weakness of the Israelites so much that He chose to use gross imagery along with a metaphorical description to highlight their disgrace and their idol worship.

Ezekiel Chapter 23 is not commonly used in churches. Hence remains unknown to most Christians. A few literary devices used in Ezekiel 23:20 are given below.

Imagery – The verse uses extensive and lewd imagery to describe a woman doing an illicit act with a male whose body parts are compared to a donkey and a horse.

Metaphor – The verse is also a good example of metaphor as the prophet Ezekiel compares male intimate body parts with a donkey’s "flesh." (winkwink)

Daniel Block: The strength of Yahweh’s passion over Oholibah’s conduct is reflected in the shocking portrayal of the third phase of her whoredoms. Now she has come full circle. As she recalls her youth in Egypt, the mature woman’s addiction takes her back to where it all began, only with intensified energy. The obscenity of the description accords with the unrestrained prurience of Oholibah’s actions.

Constable: She lusted after the Egyptians that pursued her like donkeys and horses in heat (cf. Jer. 2:24; 5:8; 13:27). Donkeys and horses were proverbial for their strong sexual drive (cf. Jer. 2:24; 5:8; 13:27), and the Lord used these animals as a figure for the Egyptians’ potency that attracted the Israelites.1 Judah returned to her old lover, namely, Egypt.

Lamar Cooper: Judah’s political prostitution was presented in explicit sexual terminology. This idolatry produced the same revulsion by the Judaeo-Christian God that prompted him to annihilate their forefathers in the wilderness (Sinai Desert) for the worship of the gods of Egypt (v. 21; Exod 32:11–18). Judah lusted for her lovers whose “genitals were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of horses” (v. 20). These proverbial phrases were intended to show divine contempt for those attracted by the military power portrayed by reference to sexual potency.

Leslie Allen: vv. 19-21 —The coarseness of the description in v 20 leaves no doubt that for Ezekiel and his God the political alliance stank.

The trope is exemplified in the TV Tropes page of Ezekiel as an example of Bigger is Better in Bed. As it contrasts foreign, darker, Othered pagan goyim's/nations' Egyptian gods' "flesh/member like that of donkeys and flow like that of horses" with Yahweh's smaller male member, it won't be hard to disagree that this is also an explicit example of Black is Bigger in Bed (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlackIsBiggerInBed), similar to Iago's portrayal's of Othello as a beastly "stud muffin" aggressively riding or tupping the pristine human Desdemona (Othello as "black ram" and "black Barbary horse"). Done right, portrayals of interracial relationships can be wonderful, like in the case of Othello and Desdemona (it is, after all, the villain Iago and his henchman Roderigo in whose mouths we can find all the racist ranting), but you have to tread a fine line in this balancing act. Or you might screw up like the creators of this Vogue cover, where a howling NBA superstar LeBron James, the first black man ever to grace the cover of Vogue, cradles blonde German Brazilian model Gisele Bündchen in a way so reminiscent of King Kong with Fay Wray that the magazine went viral. There you have the blonde bombshell held aloft by the brutish "ape," and even though Gisele is portrayed as having fun instead of terrified, the iconography of Hollywood about both the "stud muffin" stereotype and King Kong sends a crystal clear subject matter:

Should have been called APE ISSUE?

Or maybe... Read below! RAPE ISSUE?

Eighteenth-century Westerners believed that large male apes, whether orangutans on Borneo or gorillas in Sub-Saharan Africa, carried off native human maidens from their villages into the jungles and raped them, reproducing and giving rise to the next generation of apes; these apes, for generations, had human blood in their veins, in other words. This was long before Darwin, and people like Thomas Jefferson, infamous for having affairs and illegitimate half-blood children with female slaves of African descent that he owned, subscribed to this notorious ape-rape theory.

In the twentieth century, post-Darwin, we had chimp testicle implants into impotent human males' scrota (there were also goat testicle implants, that became a boom or bubble in the US), and even the theoretical possibility (still held by some) of the humanzee, a human-chimp hybrid.

Still today, this mag cover is a hot potato. Hope we have learned our lesson and shy away from such iconography in mass media nowadays and in the future.

PS. A Black is Bigger in Bed joke from the animated series Family Guy: On the right we see the white marble Washington Monument, famous real-life obelisk in Washington DC. On the left we see a fictional, non-existant but larger obelisk, the so-called Obama Monument, the same shape but way larger in size and made of black marble. The phallic innuendo is obvious.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE? To Accept Life!

 

Young Boba Fett sharing Hamlet's fate in Star Wars

William Shakespeare’s most famous passage by far is the “To be, or not to be” soliloquy delivered by the title character in Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1, in which he contemplates suicide.

I don’t blame Shakespeare for romanticizing of suicide, but it’s easy to see how a young person could read Hamlet or watch a production of it and come away with the naïve impression that contemplating suicide is something “profound” that creative artists are supposed to do—perhaps without realizing that part of what makes Hamlet’s speech so famous is actually the reason he decides not to kill himself.

Having a love for knowledge and literature does not have to mean romanticizing alcoholism, sleep deprivation, depression, suicide, and so forth. In fact, one might argue that knowledge and literature are things that can help give a person’s life meaning, help them to deal with their own mental illnesses, and help them to avoid self-harming behaviours.

Main Post Office in Valencia today. Been there! Sun shining, fair weather, perfect for a stroll. Any reason for self-harm?

Seven Cups - a Taoist Poem

The first bowl moistens my lips and throat;

The second bowl banishes all loneliness;

The third expelled the dullness from my mind,

Inducing inspirations born from all the books I’ve read;

At the fourth cup, I begin to perspire –

life's troubles evaporate through my pores.

The fifth cup cleanses my entire being.

Six cups and I am in the realm of the Divine.

Seven cups - ah, but I can drink no more:

I can only feel the gentle breeze blowing through my sleeves,

wafting me away to the Isle of Immortality!

-- Lu Tung, 8th century Taoist poet

The legend of Hermaphroditos

The legend of Hermaphroditos

Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty, was usually considered female, but, on the island of Kypros (Cyprus), she was worshipped in a male form under the masculine name Aphroditos. In Greek art, Aphroditos is typically portrayed as an androgynous figure; he wears a kind of dress that the Greeks traditionally regarded as feminine, but yet he is lifting up the dress to show everyone his erect penis. In some depictions, he is also shown with a beard to further emphasize his male aspect.

ABOVE: Photograph from Wikimedia Commons of an ancient Greek marble herma of Aphroditos, the male form of the goddess Aphrodite, now held in the Nationalmuseum in Stockholm

Aphroditos was sometimes known by the name “Hermaphroditos,” which means “Aphroditos in the form of a herma,” since hermai were a kind of statue that was commonly used in ancient Greece to mark boundaries. Eventually, however, Hermaphroditos became seen not as a form of Aphrodite, but rather the son of Aphrodite and the god Hermes.

The cult of Aphroditos was apparently introduced to Athens by at least around the late fourth century BCE. The Greek historian Philochoros of Athens (lived c. 340 – c. 261 BCE) wrote a work titled Atthis, in which he apparently described, among many other things, the cult of Aphroditos in Athens at this time. A fragment of the work that has been preserved through quotation by the Roman antiquarian Macrobius Ambrosius Theodosius, who lived in around the early fifth century CE, in his Saturnalia 3.8.2 records that men made sacrifices to Aphroditos wearing women’s clothing and women made sacrifices to him wearing men’s clothing.

 In Book Four of his Metamorphoses, Ovid tells a story about Hermaphroditos. According to Ovid, Hermaphroditos was raised by naiads in the caves underneath Mount Ida in Phrygia, but, when he turned fifteen, he left Mount Ida to visit Asia Minor. In the middle of the woods in the land of Karia, he found a beautiful pond filled with the clearest water and was tempted to take a bath in it.

There was, however, a nymph named Salmacis who lived near the pond. She saw him and was instantly overcome with mad lust for him. She went to him and attempted to seduce him, but he spurned her advances, so she pretended to leave. Thinking that she was really gone, Hermaphroditos stripped himself naked and went into the pool to bathe. Then Salmacis sprang out from where she was hiding behind a tree and tried to take him by force, wrapping herself around him, kissing him, and pressing her skin against his.

Hermaphroditos tried to fight back, but Salmacis prayed to the deities that she and him would become one flesh. Her prayer was granted and their bodies blended into one. Hermaphroditos was horrified to discover that he had the body and voice of a woman, but the penis and testicles of a man. Therefore, he prayed to his mother Aphrodite and his father Hermes to curse any man who tried to swim in the pool he had tried to bathe in and to make him effeminate like him.

This myth has had particularly great cultural influence; there are a large number of surviving ancient statues of Aphroditos/Hermaphroditos—some of which are very famous—and the word hermaphrodite was widely used until very recently to refer to the people we now describe as “intersex.”

BENJAMIN LACOMBE, ROPA DE HOMBRE EN "LA SIRENITA"

 

BENJAMIN LACOMBE:

En todas las versiones está escrito que lo primero que hace el príncipe cuando la Sirenita por fin se ha convertido en humana, en la mujer que quería y es acogida en el palacio, es que la obliga a llevar ropa de hombre. Nadie en 180 años, lo ilustró. Ya ves cómo podés ponerte anteojeras.

En otra parte es muy complicado porque todo depende del subsentido, de la ambigüedad, porque Andersen dice algo que no podía decirse en ese momento, que dos hombres se aman.

–Sin embargo, a su manera, lo hizo.

–La obliga a ponerse ropa de hombre y juntos montan a caballo por bosques llenos de aromas increíbles. La palabra “montar” en francés también puede significar hacer el amor. En danés, significa ambas cosas.

–Montar o cabalgar tienen una connotación sexual en español.

–Exacto. Ellos montan juntos a caballo. En un momento dado, se encuentran con un tigre, algo que no es común en los bosques de Europa. Pero, bueno, aparece un tigre (en los esbozos originales) y la Sirenita toma su gran lanza sin demora, se la tira a la boca y se la mete en la cálida y húmeda garganta del tigre. Es sexualmente intenso.

Esta escena no deja lugar a dudas de que después de montarse a caballo, no estamos hablando de un tigre, estamos hablando de otra cosa. Así que es una historia particular si la ubicás en esa época.

Ilustraciones de Lacombe.

"Mandó que le confeccionasen un traje masculino para de ese modo poder acompañarlo a caballo". Benjamin Lacombe para Clásicos Ilustrados Edelvives, traducción de Alejandro Tobar (del danés original).

Para Lacombe, será una Sirenita dotada además con ojos y cabellos como los del danés (H. C. Andersen) ya que el personaje es avatar del autor. Mismo pelo rojo y corto, misma nariz larga... Su príncipe azul sería su amado imposible e hijo de su mecenas, Edvard Collin, que se casó por poderes con Henriette Thyberg.

Hans Christian Andersen y Edvard Collin, cuyo amor no correspondido inspiró el de la Sirenita. 

BENJAMIN LACOMBE: Pero cuando el príncipe le proporciona a la sirenita ropa de hombre, debemos prestar atención: ¿acaso a partir de entonces el cuento no trata en realidad de la realidad entre dos hombres? ¿Uno al que le atraen las mujeres y otro que prefiere a otros hombres? En resumidas cuentas, es la historia de un joven homosexual que se enamora locamente de su amigo heterosexual. En ese caso entendemos mucho mejor por qué la chica vestida con ropa de hombre no puede hablar, soporta todos los suplicios del mundo y no consigue al ser al que ama.

Var är mina fem små grå ullgarnsnystan?

Var är mina fem små grå ullgarnsnystan?

Det var en gång en kvinna som hade fem små barn, så strax efter varandra i ålder att de såg nästan lika små ut alla fem. Hon var en så duktig mamma. Hon klippte sina får och kardade ullen och spann garn av den, och så stickade hon tröjor och mössor och strumpor och vantar åt sina barn av det grå garnet, så att de blev alldeles grå och ulliga från topp till tå. Och varmt och skönt hade de, där de tumlade om i snön som små tomtebissar. 
Alldeles nära stugan var en stor skog och i den ville inte mamman att hennes barn skulle leka, för där bodde en stygg häxa. Därför skulle de hålla sig nära stugan och åka kälke i backen neråt stora landsvägen. De fick inte alls klättra över gärdesgården in i den stora skogen, sa deras mamma.

Men en gång, när barnen var ute och lekte, fick de se att det var ett hål i gärdesgården, och då glömde de alldeles bort att vara lydiga och kröp genom hålet in i skogen för att titta hur där såg ut. 

Oj, vad där var mycket snö! Och rätt som de hoppade och rullade i snödrivorna och hade som allra roligast kom den gamla häxan klivande. Inte viste barnen att det var hon, de trodde att det var en vanlig gammal gumma.

"Nej, men, titta titta, där är ju mina fem små garnnystan!" så häxan.

"Vi är inte dina garnnystan", sa Mats, den äldste, och ställde sig med händerna i sidorna. "Vi är bara mors barn!"

Då gav sig häxan till att skratta.

"Ja visst är ni mina garnnystan", sa hon. "Ni fem är mina garnnystan, se bara!"

Och så pekade hon på dem med sin gamla stav, och genast förvandlades de till fem små grå garnnystan, och så tog hon upp den och stoppade dem i sin påse och gick hem.

När hon kom hem till sin stuga knöt hon upp påsen och lade alla fem garnnystana på bordet. Men då skulle man sett på garnnystana. De till att hoppa och rulla åt alla håll ner från bordet och utåt golvet, för de ville förstås allesamman komma hem till mor. Häxan, hon satt på en stol och bara skrattade.

Häxan hade en grå kissemisse, och han började genast jaga garnnystana. Det blev en lek och en jakt över bord och bänkar, medan häxan slog sig på knäna och skrattade. Men när det hållit på så en stund stoppade hon nystana i påsen igen och knöt till väl, och där fick de ligga stilla i mörkret.

Nu tyckte häxan att hon hittat på något riktigt bra att roa sig med, så nästa morgon, innan hon gick ut, tog hon fram de små nystana igen och lät katten jaga dem, och hon skrattade, så hon måste hålla sig för magen.

Men de stackars nystana var så lagom glada. De var så rädda för kattens vassa tassar, så de for iväg som snurror över golvet.

Till slut hade häxan fått sitt lystmäte, och så stoppade hon nystana i påsen igen och lade den på bordet. Men den här gången glömde hon bort att knyta till påsen ordentligt, och hon glömde också att stänga dörren efter sig, för hon fick så brått ut. Det var några korpar och kråkor i skogen, som kraxade så och förde ett sådant liv att häxan nödvändigt måste dit och se vad som stod på.

De små nystana rullade försiktigt ut ur påsen och hoppade ner på golvet. Som väl var hade häxans gamla grå kissemisse somnat i sin vrå. Han var väl trött efter allt rasandet. Och dörren stod på glänt! De små nystana rullade hastigt över golvet och ut genom dörren och sedan i en virvlande fart genom skogen för att komma hem till mors stuga. Det gick så fort, så fort, du kan inte tänka dig!

Först mötte de en hare. Han blev så rädd, att han tvärstannade och slog en kullerbytta baklänges. Han tyckte precis att det var fem gevärskulor, som kom susande över snön. Men när han inte hörde någon knall, så skuttade han darrande vidare.

Sen mötte de en räv. Han trodde att det var fem små grå råttor kilande med svansarna efter sig, och han skyndade att lägga ifrån sig en orrhöna, som han bar i mun, för han tänkte jaga råttorna. Men när han skulle till att jaga dem, så var de redan försvunna.

Sen mötte de en gumma, som gick och sköt en kälke. Hon tyckte alldeles, att det var fem små grå kissemissar, som sprang i en rad genom skogen, och hon ställde sig att ropa: "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" Men innan hon visste ordet av, så var de sin kos. 

Och de små nystana rullade vidare kvickt, kvickt, och rätt som det var, så rullade de genom hålet i gärdesgården, ut ur skogen, och då blev de förvandlade till barn igen, för utanför skogen räckte inte häxans trollmakt. Och så traskade de in i stugan till mor.

"Var i all världen har ni varit så länge?" så mor. "Egentligen skulle ni sitta i skamvrån allesammans, eftersom ni varit olydiga och gått in i skogen utan lov".

Alla fem barnen bad mor snällt om förlåtelse och sa att de aldrig skulle göra så mer. Och då förlät mor dem och lät dem slippa skamvrån för den här gången.

"Snälla, snälla mor", bad Mats, som var förståndigast av barnen. "Låt oss få varsin garnhärva, så vi kan nysta oss varsitt nystan, innan häxan kommer!"

Och de fick varsin garnhärva och började nysta så fort de kunde, och de hade sina nystan färdiga när häxan bultade på dörren. Då lade de nystana på bordet och kröp hastigt under sängen, alla fem.

Häxan var så ond, så ond. Så snart hon kommit hem och sett att nystana var försvunna, så hade hon givit sig iväg för att leta rätt på dem.

Först mötte hon en hare.

"Har du sett mina fem små grå garnnystan?" brummade häxan.

"Nej, inte garnnystan", sa haren, "bara fem gevärskulor, som kom susande, och jag blev så rädd, så rädd, så aldrig i mitt liv har jag varit så rädd!"

"Vartåt for de?" röt häxan.

"Ditåt, ditåt!" så haren, men han var ännu så yr av skrämsel att han pekade alldeles galet.

Och häxan pulsade iväg genom snön åt det hållet haren pekade, men hon kom bara upp i snår och bråte, och inte ett spår syntes av några nystan. 

Då vände hon om, och nu var hon något till ilsken.

Så mötte hon räven med orrhönan i mun.

"Har du sett mina fem små grå garnnystan?" röt häxan.

"Inte såg jag garnnystana", sa räven, "men fem små möss kilade nyss över snön!"

"Åt vilket håll?" skrek häxan.

"Ditåt!" så räven och pekade åt motsatt håll, för det hade han då satt sig i sinnet, att inte häxan skulle få de där mössen, som han tänkt jaga själv.

Nu bar det av för häxan igen åt galet håll, och till sist råkade hon upp i kärr och träsk och måste vända utan att ha sett ett spår av nystana.

Nu var hon så ond att det riktigt sprakade om henne, och rätt som det var så mötte hon gumman med kälken.

"Har du sett mina fem små grå garnnystan?" skrek häxan.

"Inte såg jag garnnystan", svarade den vänliga lilla gumman. "Men fem små, söta, grå kissemissar sprang här nyss genom skogen".

"Vart tog de vägen?" röt häxan.

"Nog tyckte jag de sprang dit neråt vägen, åt den grå stugan till", sa gumman.

Och häxan iväg över gärdesgården, och så var hon borta vid stugan och bultade på. Inte visste hon att det var barnens mor, som bodde där i stugan, och inte tänkte hon väl heller att nystana blivit förvandlade till barn igen, när de kommit ut ur trollskogen.

Hon var bara så ond, så ond, att hon dunkade på dörren av all sin kraft.

"Vad står på?" så mor och öppnade dörren.

"Har du sett mina fem små grå garnnystan?" ropade häxan, och så stack hon in sin långa näsa och tittade åt alla håll.

"Är de möjligen de här?" sa mor och räckte fram de fem grå ullgarnsnystana.

"Ja, dom är det, dom är det!" sa häxan och räckte fram sina långa, knotiga fingrar för att gripa nystana.

"Ja, du ska få dem på ett villkor", sa mor och höll nystana på ryggen. "Du ska säga: 'När jag får mitt, så må du behålla ditt!'"

"Det kan jag väl säga!" fräste häxan förtretad. "När jag får mitt, så må du gärna behålla ditt", brummade hon, och så sträckte hon ut händerna och fick nystana och stoppade dem i sin påse och begav sig raka vägen hem till sin stuga.

Och barnen? De kröp fram under sängen och de var så glada att de dansade runt, runt sin snälla mamma.

Men när häxan kom hem, så tog hon genast nystana ur påsen och lade dem på bordet. "Seså, hoppa nu!" sa hon. För hon längtade riktigt att få sig en skrattstund ovanpå all ilska.

Men nystana, de låg där de låg.

"Hör ni inte, att ni ska hoppa!" skrek häxan och puffade till dem, så att de ramlade på golvet. Och där stannade de.

Då tussade hon katten på dem, men katten tröttnade snart, för han var för gammal att vilja leka med nystan som varken hoppade eller snurrade.

Då begrep häxan plötsligt att hon blivit lurad, och vid den upptäckten blev hon så utom sig av ilska, att hon sprack.

Och det var då för väl, ty nu kan vem som helst gå i den vackra skogen utan att behöva vara rädd för att bli förtrollad av en stygg, gammal häxa.

SLUTET GOTT, ALLTING GOTT.

Två lika är ett

 Jag lyfter lika lätt som en Focker, jag

Jag flyger så oerhört viktlös

Jag väntar på rätt sorts blick bara

Det räcker med en signal, och

Jag kommer direkt

Jag kommer fortare än tåget

Två lika är ett

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Det ligger en spänning i tinningen

Det ligger en dallring i luften

Bara väntar på en känning i ryggen

Bara väntar på en signal, och

Jag kommer direkt

Jag kommer fortare än tåget

Två lika är ett

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Åh än ingenting

Gitarrsolo

Två barn leker bäst som är lika barn

Två barn på ett oroligt vatten

Varför vänta på dom heta vulkanerna

Varför vänta till världen går i bitar

Jag kommer direkt

Jag kommer fortare än tåget

Två lika är ett

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Åh än ingenting

Låt oss komma direkt

Låt oss komma fortare än tåget

Saken är ju perfekt

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Jag kommer direkt

Jag kommer fortare än tåget

Två lika är ett

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Jag kommer direkt

Jag kommer fortare än tåget

Två lika är ett

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Jag kommer direkt

Jag kommer fortare än tåget

Två lika är ett

Två lika är bättre än ingenting

Åh än ingenting

ON GOG AND MAGOG

In the Old Testament:

In Ezekiel 38, Gog is a ruler and Magog is his land, both of whom receive a prophecy:

"Son of Man, direct your face against Gog, of the land of Magog, the prince, leader of Meshech and Tubal, and prophesy concerning him."

In the New Testament:

In the Book of Revelation 20:8, the Crimson Dragon (identified with Satan because of its reptilian appearance) and the Antichrist recruit a multinational army led by Gog and Magog for the final battle against the heavenly legions:

"When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the Earth—Gog and Magog—and to gather them for battle."

In modern doomsday prophecy (Futurism):

Present-day readings of the Book of Revelation informed by Futurism, ie those that identify the Revelation prophecies as having to come true in the future, see Gog as Western Europe or the European Union (EU) and Magog as Eastern Europe or Russia.

In Islam:

In the medieval Islamic parable The Case of Animals v. Humans Before the King of the Jinni, Gog and Magog are two faraway ethnic groups of anarchic, cannibalistic hunter-fisher-gatherers who personify the archetype of the savage:

"... the land of Gog and Magog, who live beyond the great barrier, two nations of human form but savage spirit, who know neither order nor government and have no commerce nor trade, industry nor craft, ploughing nor sowing, but only hunting and gathering and fishing, plundering, raiding, and eating one another."

In Hellenistic folklore:

According to one interpretation, "Goth and Magoth" (sic, maybe related to the Goth ethnic groups, Götar in their native Sweden) are the kings of the Unclean Nations (read: not lands, but ethnic groups), whom Alexander the Great drove through a mountain pass and prevented from crossing his new wall (something like the Great Wall of China - maybe the first Silk Road travellers thought the Great Wall of China was the work of Alexander the Great?). Gog and Magog are said to engage in human cannibalism in Hellenistic and related literature (see the King of the Jinni example above).

In Hungarian folklore and Romanticism:

Hungarian folklore calls Gog and Magog also by their alternate names Hunor and Magor. Their homeland was in the steppes of Central Asia, but following a marvellous white stag, both ended up in the Carpathian Basin in the heart of Europe and founded the Magyar, or Hungarian, people (this is their founding myth). Hungarian Romanticism would therefore mention this myth quite often.

In British folklore:

Gog and Magog were allegedly savage giants who lived on pre-human Great Britain. They were defeated and slain by the first human settlers on British soil, Trojan refugees from the Sack of Troy. To be more precise, they were defeated and slain by Corineus, founder of Cornwall and a brave Trojan warrior. There are also statues, chalk hills, and ancient oak trees (the Oaks of Avalon) in the UK named after Gog and Magog (there is also a statue of their vanquisher, the hero Corineus).

In Hinduism (Koka and Vikoka):

Gog and Magog also appear in Hinduism as two demonic generals by the names of Koka and Vikoka. They are twin generals who are described to aid the asura Kali in battle against Kalki, the 10th and final avatar of the god Vishnu, whose coming is believed to herald the end of the last age, or Kali Yuga.

 

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo

aurienne@webpixie.com (April Walters)

(chuckle)

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson (aronson@sierratel.com)

...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game," and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.

Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you
see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it
respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to
destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you
could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try.
It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo.
It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so
I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.

[Note - reprinted by permission of the author - ed.]