RAPE À LA IRON: A COMEDY SKETCH

RAPE À LA IRON
a punny farce
by Sandra Dermark

Dramatis personae
Gerhard
Renate                                                                middle-aged German tourists, married
Carlos, a young waiter

(An outdoor restaurant in an Eastern Spanish resort, on a summer evening. In the background, the teal-blue Mediterranean and a volleyball court. Gerhard and Renate are sitting at the table. Enter Carlos.)

Carlos: Good... good evening, mister... and missis... We will do the best we can to please our... clients.
Gerhard: Clients? (laughs) (To Gerhard) Funny people, these Spaniards.
Renate: The sun heats their blood and dries their brains. Or so it seems. (She takes up her menu.) This menu is written only in Spanish! (hands it over to Carlos) Young man, would you be so kind as if to translate our menus?
Carlos: Into English? I'm only studying English at university, and I don't speak your own language... missis... (he takes the menu) OK. For enterers, we have our specialty of the house: BRAVE POTATOES! (as he blurts out these words, he vehemently does the "We can do it!" gesture) Our brave potatoes don't have comparison, from Cadaques to Gibraltar!
Gerhard: Brave potatoes?
Carlos: BRAVE POTATOES! And, if you want something softer, I recommend our green Jewesses. They can be à la a little garlic or with little tacks of ham. Thin green Jewesses.
Renate (to Gerhard): He's just slightly eccentric, and that's all.
Carlos: Russian salad? Octopus à la Galician? Or clams à la lady sailor, perhaps? Fresh clams, fresh out of the lodge, the best ones recently picked in our own blue Mediterranean... A regional dish of ours, clams à la lady sailor. Best clams there are from Cadaques to Gibraltar!
Gerhard (to Renate): "À la lady sailor?" What does he mean anyway?
Renate: Spanish quirks, dear. Spanish quirks.
Carlos: We have breadcrumbs, a Castilian dish, not so common on the coast. Breadcrumbs, with fried eggs and lard and many other things.
Renate: Breadcrumbs. That's original...
Carlos (vehemently): And broken eggs with ham, and melon with ham, and one of my favourite dishes: revolved with prawns. Another specialty of the house, it's basically eggs and prawns revolved around in a frying pan. Our prawns are also recently fished, and all our eggs are from free hens.
Gerhard: Free hens... Young man, that's a wise choice your superiors make.
Renate: I wonder if you actually have pasta on the menu, young man. That's the only word I could make on that menu...
Carlos (vehemently): We have pasta on the menu, missis! The specialty of the house is pennis.
Gerhard (scared): Pen...nis... (stares at Renate)
Carlos: Pennis. It's like macarons, more or less. We have pennis al pesto, we make our own pesto, and that's why it's so good... (vehemently) And we have pennis à la enraged, only for the brave ones!
Gerhard (to Renate, whispering): Did this lad actually say "penis?"
Renate: Pennis.
Carlos: As for the meat... not so traditional in this region, but I recommend the Iberian quarry.
Renate (to Gerhard): Don't you think this lad speaks good English?
Carlos: It's expensive, so if you want something more economic, I recommend the cheat sheets of pig. We have cheat sheets of lamb too. And the little elbow is not bad either. We also have this Andalusian dish, old clothing. It's pecked cow meat with potatoes and onions and other such things.
Gerhard: Pecked cow... No thanks. This is more of a fish region, so what kind of fish do you have?
Carlos: Fresh fish, freshly fished from our blue Mediterranean! I recommend all of our fish à la iron.
Renate (to Gerhard): Done on an iron plate, I suppose.
Carlos: We have golden lady à la iron. Delicious.
Gerhard: Sounds like an exotic name for a fish.
Carlos: And we have mare, an exquisite fish à la iron.
Gerhard: Pardon me, young man, did you by chance say "mare"?
Carlos: Yes, mister. Mare. This mare is a fish, not a horse. Mare, fish. I recommend it à la iron.
Renate: A fish called mare...
Carlos: And rooster à la iron is a delicious fish too.
Renate: Rooster... a fish... These Spaniards are somewhat eccentric, honey... Young man, would you please recommend the specialty of the house in terms of fish.
Carlos: Indeed, missis. Our fish specialty is... (vehemently) RAPE!!
(Renate faints. Gerhard, scared, turns pale.)
Carlos (soothing them): What's so scary, mister and missis? Rape is a wonderful and exquisite fish. It's typical of this region, and it has very few spines. Rape à la iron is a commonly requested specialty of the house. Rape à la iron. Or, as we say here in Spain, "rape a la plancha".
(Gerhard sighs, Renate comes to, and Carlos remains watching them.).
Gerhard: The fish is called rape. We can't blame him for that, but rather blame the Spanish language.
Carlos: And now for our posters. In summer, a favourite is always our artisan iced, made in Jijona, in Alicante province! We have iced of chocolate, iced of vanilla, iced of strawberry, iced of your rhum... which is not rhum, but rather almonds and honey... and the most popular one, iced of thorn Moor.
Renate: Ice... "thorn Moor" sounds like a flower or berry... Young man, are there any more interesting sweets around here?
Carlos: Speaking of thorn Moor, our thorn Moor cake is delicious. And so is the thorn Moor marmalade of our (vehemently) ARM OF GYPSY!
Gerhard: Arm... (to Renate) Why do I think the law in Spain doesn't say anything about cannibalism?
Carlos: Arm of gypsy, arm of truffle if you prefer chocolate. Fried milk is a rather popular sweet, but I'd rather recommend little lard of sky.
Renate: Lard of sky... (to Gerhard) What if it really falls from the sky?
Carlos: As for pastry, I've already spoken of our arms, but our ovens produce other nice pastries like one thousand leaves, drunken sponge cakes, and roof tiles with almonds.
Gerhard (to Renate): Drunken sponge... that's with liquor for sure. Roof tiles... (looks up to the roof)
Carlos: And, if you want to stay in form, fruit of the time.
Gerhard (to Carlos): Fruit of the time? Could you please explain?
Carlos: It depends of the season. In summer, we have peaches and frog skin melon.
Renate: But first things first. Could you please tell us what kind of drinks you have to offer?
Carlos: To drink, we have Free Cuba, Margaret, sun and shade... though a few beers may be more appropiate at this hour.
Gerhard and Renate: Beers.
Renate: Finally, something we all understand.
Gerhard: I'm rather thirsty myself. Could you please tell us what kind of beers you have?
Carlos: If you want Spanish... We have Saint Michael, we have Crossfield and we have Eagle Amstel.
Gerhard: Two Amstels, please.
Carlos (writing on his PDA): Two Eagle Amstel... "dos de Águila Ámstel"... Which size?
Renate: Which sizes do you have in Spain?
Carlos: You can have a cane. A cane is a glass, a thin glass like a cane. You can also have a private. A private is a little bottle. Or a Flemish Regiment, which is the big bottle.
Gerhard: A Flemish Regiment, please.
Renate: And a private for me, please.
Carlos (writing on his PDA): "Un tercio... un quinto."
Renate: Two clams, please.
Carlos (writing on his PDA): "Dos de almejas."
Gerhard (worried, to Renate): Should we take THAT?
Renate (soothing, to Gerhard): I just thought so.
Gerhard and Renate (unison): Two rape à la iron, please!
Carlos (writing on his PDA): "Dos de rape a la plancha." (to Gerhard and Renate): But first come your beers (he leaves).