EAT A CROCODILE: A FEVER DREAM OMAKE

"By Frey, the Moon IS full tonight!" - ENJOLRAS AS HAMLET

As part of the corpus of the Les Misérables Hogwarts AU El semen de los ahorcados, or The Seed of Hanged Men, the omakes are not to be given short shrift, because they offer new perspectives on the cast and world. Eat a Crocodile, or Cómete un cocodrilo, is an AU within an AU, using the technique of the dream to offer a Shakespearean parody full of intertextuality, referencing the Simpsons parody of the same tragedy with Bart as Hamlet, the Night Watch novels by Sir Terry Pratchett, Monty Python, and Pulp Fiction, among other hypertexts.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

• Prince Hamlet: Paragon Ganymede Enjolras
• Queen Gertrude: Madame Desdemona Enjolras 
• King Claudius: Javert
• Ghost of the Late King: Monsieur Vitalis Enjolras
• Horatio: Combeferre
• Commander Köurfeyråk: Courfeyrac 
• Sergeant Kårröt: Bahorel
• Sergeant Ascending Colon: Grantaire 
• Corporal Winifred: Jehanne Prouvaire
• Chancellor Polonius: Jean Valjean 
• Laertes: Marius Pontmercy
• Ophelia: Cosette
• Finnegan Wake: Himself
• Rosencrantz: Lesgles
• Guildenstern: Jo-Lee
• Musichetta: Herself
• Viking Captain: Monsieur Thénardier
• Viking Cook: Madame Thénardier
• Viking Shieldmaiden: Éponine
• Viking Cabin Boy: Gavroche 
• Herald: Feuilly
• Sexton: Mabeuf
• Prince of Sweden: Montparnasse

The story of Eat a Crocodile takes place during Book the Fifth in winter, when Enjolras has the flu with a high fever and is bedridden, dreaming that he is Hamlet and the people in his life are the other characters in that play. The setting, perhaps due to the dream quality of it all, is an ambiguous time period: Kronborg Castle looks exactly like it did in the Renaissance, the characters wear seventeenth-century clothes, the Reformation and Counter-Reformation are mentioned, the performers are a commedia dell'arte troupe (Rosencrantz as Harlequin, Guildenstern as Pierrot, and Musichetta as Columbine), but the pirates are Vikings, the winter holiday is Yule, and the kingdoms of Mercia and Northumbria still exist, and the characters swear by Norse gods.

At the royal court in Denmark in the Castle of Kronborg, the royals are celebrating an unbirthday party one evening in winter. Queen Gertrude (Madame Enjolras) remarried her general (not her brother-in-law) Claudius (Javert) a few months ago... Much to the chagrin of Crown Prince Hamlet (Enjolras). There is also talk about a possible Swedish invasion after the King of Sweden got mysteriously assassinated (with ear poison) and his son (Montparnasse) inherited the throne.

To get away from all the noise, the smoke, and the drinking, Hamlet leaves the banqueting hall with his friend/confidant Horatio (Combeferre). They walk out on the ramparts while it is snowing, because Hamlet has heard from the guards that the ramparts are haunted by what appears to be the ghost of the late King of Denmark. On the ramparts they meet the guards on duty; Commander Köurfeyråk (Courfeyrac), Sergeant Ascending Colon (Grantaire), Sergeant Kårröt (Bahorel), and Corporal Winifred, a trans woman (Jehanne Prouvaire). The guards try to dissuade Hamlet and Horatio from spotting the ghost, but the crown prince is determined. Furthermore, the ghost appears at midnight when the moon is full, and it happens so that there is a full moon, with midnight fast approaching. When midnight strikes, the Toccata and Fugue can be heard, the temperature drops to subzero... and a deep baritone voice is heard: "My son... I wish to talk to you alone. Leave these people and come closer to me..."

Hamlet leaves his entourage, even though Horatio and the guards are frightened, and bravely approaches what turns out to be the ghost of his late father (Monsieur Enjolras) in suit of armour. Ghost Dad tells Hamlet that he was not killed by a literal snakebite (and Hamlet knows that the only venomous snake in Denmark, the European Adder, has too weak a bite to kill an adult), and that the "snake" who bit him now wears his crown and is married to his queen. While the late King slept in his rose garden, General Claudius killed him with ear poison, making it look like a snakebite (by stabbing him in the ankle with two little puncture wounds), and then seduced and married his widowed queen. Ghost Dad encourages Hamlet to avenge him and claim his rightful throne, making Hamlet swear to get revenge before disappearing at dawn (to crowing roosters and Morning Mood by Grieg). Hamlet is at first in shock, but in the end tells Horatio about the ghost when the guards are not around. He is also suspicious about the death of the late King of Sweden and the fact that ear poison was used in both murders, leading to an upcoming declaration of war from Sweden since its prince must have known about the true death of the King of Denmark... 

On the next day, Hamlet lashes out at his mother and stepfather for getting married. Claudius conspires with Chancellor Polonius (Jean Valjean), who has his hands full with his son Laertes (Marius) about to leave for Spain where he is going to learn swordsmanship and etiquette, and his daughter Ophelia (Cosette) who is Hamlet's fiancée... he tells her to spy on the crown prince and calls her "green girl" both for her green dress and her innocence. Hamlet has Horatio swear an oath to keep the ghost affair and the revenge plot a secret. While Polonius tells a herald (Feuilly) to spy on Laertes before he leaves, Ophelia spills the tea to king and chancellor about Hamlet's strange behaviour, he has been acting a little eccentric... Hamlet was reading a book called "Words, Words, Words" by author Mina with a Twilight-esque cover, and Ophelia was curious about it. 

Hamlet's friends Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta, who form a commedia dell'arte troupe touring Scandinavia, drop by. They are about to perform a show at the Danish court for Yule. Polonius examines Hamlet and takes leave of his son, giving Laertes a lot of advice which amounts to the poem "If" by Kipling, before Laertes sets sail for Spain. The commedia dell'arte troupe approaches Hamlet and he welcomes them, having an idea to stage his father's murder as the Yule play.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern report back to Claudius, acting as double agents. Polonius and Claudius set Ophelia as bait and hide. Hamlet wonders why he's so afraid to act. Ophelia returns the valentines and wilted flowers Hamlet had once given her, and he goes off on Ophelia, who laments Hamlet's change of heart, but Ophelia is approached by the merman in the moat, Finnegan Wake, who comforts her.

Yule arrives. Hamlet entertains the royal party and teases Ophelia before the curtain rises on "The Rat Trap (not to pay any royalties to Agatha Christie)." On stage, the Archduke of Austria (Rosencrantz) is poisoned with ear poison in a rose garden by his general (Guildenstern), who seduces and marries his widow (Musichetta). Claudius interrupts the show right as the wedding is about to take place, while Gertrude says "the lady protests too much."

Polonius summons Hamlet to his mother in the parlour, and Hamlet resolves not to hurt her, while also wondering if this is a trap set by Claudius.

Claudius tells Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta to take Hamlet with them to the kingdoms of Mercia and Northumbria to receive the danegeld (but actually to deliver a Uriah letter which says "EXECUTE THE MESSENGER WHO BRINGS THIS LETTER.") Claudius, producing the vial of Ear Poison, confesses to murdering the King and seducing the Queen, and also to murdering the King of Sweden to start a war, but is too evil and lustful for power to really repent. Hamlet sneaks up on Claudius, but can't stab him as he looks so sincere in his confession. Hamlet confronts Gertrude in her bedchamber, on why she was married to such a perfect demigod and then remarried such a scoundrel. There is something behind the curtains. "An incredibly big rodent," Hamlet says before stabbing right through the curtains. Out staggers Polonius with a deep wound in his solar plexus. Hamlet begs Gertrude to stay away from Claudius. Hamlet is chased through the corridors as the news of Polonius' death spreads through the palace like wildfire. Finally Claudius corners Hamlet and tells him of his plan to send him to Mercia and Northumbria. Hamlet sets sail with Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta, and a sturdy crew. Ophelia eavesdrops on Claudius telling the guards that he has sent Hamlet on a suicide mission.

With her father murdered by her fiancé and the latter sent on a suicide mission, Ophelia appears to go insane, doling out wildflowers left and right and singing nursery rhymes for the royals. Finnegan tells Ophelia to snap out of it and that he loves her, kissing her. Ophelia realizes that she loves Finnegan, not Hamlet, and the merman gives her Holy Gillyweed, which turns her into a mermaid forever, before the guards see Ophelia plunge into the moat and not resurface. After a while, a girl's body with Ophelia's clothes on surfaces, shocking the royal court. They mistake this body for Ophelia, when it was actually a maid who had drowned in the moat before, and who Finnegan dressed in Ophelia's clothes and used as a decoy. A carrier owl is sent to Spain to inform Laertes of the deaths of his father and sister.

Hamlet's ship is boarded by Vikings (the Thénardiers and their children), who, after a brief swordfight between Hamlet and shieldmaiden Éponine, which he wins, arrange the marriage between the two of them and give Rosencrantz the letter, before putting Hamlet on their ship back to Denmark and letting the ship with Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Musichetta sail on to Mercia and Northumbria. The Vikings give Hamlet Viking clothes so that he becomes unrecognizable. Hamlet meets the Swedish Army en route to Kronborg and realizes he feels like a loser compared to the Prince of Sweden, whom he is surprised to see looks rather Mediterranean (the latter explains that his mother is French and that it all happened before the Reformation and Counter-Reformation). At Kronborg Claudius insists he is innocent of Polonius' death and blames it on Hamlet, revealing that he sent the crown prince to his own execution. Laertes arrives at home and Claudius explains to him that Hamlet killed Ophelia and Polonius. Hamlet sends a cryptic letter to his stepfather from the village inn, and summons Horatio by using Sergeant Ascending Colon, whom he promises to promote to lieutenant once he has claimed his throne, as messenger. Ascending Colon turns out to be in love with Hamlet and decides to join his conspiracy, roping the other guards in as well. Claudius plans a fencing match between Laertes and Hamlet, using Sword Poison, which is actually the same as Ear Poison but with another label. He's also put more poison in a teacup at the table, should Hamlet win the fight and get really thirsty...

At Ophelia's funeral, Hamlet muses about the afterlife. Laertes wants the priest to give his sister full rites, claiming that she cannot have been a suicide, but Hamlet interrupts the funeral, and both young men have a squabble and nearly strangle one another inside Ophelia's grave... "If I had a thousand sisters, I would not love them as passionately as you did!" "What would you do for her sake, then? EAT A CROCODILE? (title drop)" Claudius drops by and puts peace between the young fighters, telling them why not to settle the score like civilized gentlemen, in a fencing duel? Hamlet and Laertes both agree, not knowing that they have sealed their fates...

In the parlour the next day, Hamlet tells Horatio about his adventure at sea and how the Vikings saved his life. The herald delivers the challenge from Laertes, and Hamlet mocks him mercilessly. He suspects the swordfight of being a trap, but still walks into the great hall with his head held high. Hamlet apologizes to Laertes before both young men cross swords. After Hamlet gives a great parry, Gertrude drinks a toast to her son and drinks the poisoned tea, before collapsing and throwing up blood. The swordsmen exchange swords twice, and stab one another: Hamlet stabs Laertes in the chest, and Laertes slashes Hamlet in the left arm. Laertes, dying, tells Hamlet about the poison, before asking Hamlet for forgiveness and dying in Hamlet's arms, forgiven by the crown prince; "I was hoist by my own petard... I was a traitor betrayed..." Hamlet still has strength, and even though Horatio tries to hold him back, slits Claudius' throat and gives him what is left of the poisoned tea to drink. Then Hamlet collapses and tells Horatio to tell his story to the world, before the Prince of Sweden storms in at the head of his army, followed by the Vikings and by the Kronborg guards. A battle ensues, in which the Swedish prince decides not to capture Hamlet at his lowest point, and after a few axe throws from the Vikings, the Swedish Army retreats. Hamlet is about to die in Horatio's and Köurfeyråk's arms ("Goodnight, Sweet Prince...") when Sergeant Ascending Colon decides to step in and suck the poison from his wound. Hamlet will survive but Ascending Colon is poisoned to death. Before throwing up blood and dying violently, Ascending Colon confesses his love for Hamlet and kisses him on the mouth... at which point a startled Enjolras rises from his bed, feeling much better though shocked at the prospect of being kissed by Grantaire! 

THE QUEEN'S LOVER (1001 NIGHTS)

 I remember now the depiction of the Queen's lover at the start of 1001 Nights and find it a racist caricature and stereotype. I do not mean to be racist towards Sub-Saharans, but I give the description nonetheless:

And as he continued in this case lo! a postern of the palace, which was carefully kept private, swung open and out of it came twenty slave girls surrounding his bother's wife who was wondrous fair, a model of beauty and comeliness and symmetry and perfect loveliness and who paced with the grace of a gazelle which panteth for the cooling stream. Thereupon Shah Zaman drew back from the window, but he kept the bevy in sight espying them from a place whence he could not be espied. They walked under the very lattice and advanced a little way into the garden till they came to a jetting fountain amiddlemost a great basin of water; then they stripped off their clothes and behold, ten of them were women, concubines of the King, and the other ten were white men in drag. Then they all paired off, each with each: but the Queen, who was left alone, presently cried out in a loud voice, "Here to me, O my lord Saeed!" and then sprang with a drop leap from one of the trees a blackamoor with rolling eyes which showed the whites, a truly hideous sight. He walked boldly up to her and threw his arms round her neck while she embraced him as warmly; then he bussed her and winding his legs round hers, as a button loop clasps a button, he threw her and enjoyed her. On like wise did the other slaves with the girls till all had satisfied their passions, and they ceased not from kissing and clipping, coupling and carousing till day began to wane; when the Mamelukes rose from the damsels' bosoms and the blackamoor slave dismounted from the Queen's breast; the men resumed their disguises and all, except the negro who swarmed up the tree, entered the palace and closed the postern door as before.

Había en el palacio unas ventanas que daban al jardín, y habiéndose asomado á una de ellas el rey Schahzaman, vió cómo se abría una puerta para dar salida á veinte esclavas y veinte esclavos, entre los cuales avanzaba la mujer del rey Schahriar en todo el esplendor de su belleza. Llegados á un estanque, se desnudaron y se mezclaron todos. Y súbitamente la mujer del rey gritó: «¡Oh Massaud!» Y en seguida acudió hacia ella un robusto esclavo negro, que la abrazó. Ella se abrazó también á él, y entonces el negro la echó al suelo, boca arriba, y la gozó. A tal señal, todos los demás esclavos hicieron lo mismo con las mujeres. Y así siguieron largo tiempo, sin acabar con sus besos, abrazos, copulaciones y cosas semejantes hasta cerca del amanecer.

Now there were in King Shahzeman’s apartments lattice-windows overlooking his brother’s garden, and as the former was sitting looking on the garden, behold a gate of the palace opened, and out came twenty damsels and twenty black slaves, and among them his brother’s wife, who was wonderfully fair and beautiful. They all came up to a fountain, where the girls and slaves took off their clothes and sat down together. Then the queen called out, “O Mesoud!” And there came to her a black slave, who embraced her and she him. Then he lay with her, and on likewise did the other slaves with the girls. And they ceased not from kissing and clipping and clicketing and carousing until the day began to wane. 

Not only are there crossdressers in the Burton translation but also the Queen's lover, called Saeed in that version, is caricaturized and made to look scary: "a blackamoor with rolling eyes which showed the whites, a truly hideous sight." He is monstrous. He climbs up and down the tree like a large black gorilla. And in his treatment of the Queen he embodies the stereotype of the mandingo, or hypersexual black man (compare Iago's depictions of Othello as "black ram" and "black Barbary horse"), the picture of an 'untameable' Black man with voracious, violent sexual urges and with a large penis. 

Done right, portrayals of interracial relationships can be wonderful, like in the case of Othello and Desdemona (it is, after all, the villain Iago and his henchman Roderigo in whose mouths we can find all the racist ranting), but you have to tread a fine line in this balancing act. Or you might screw up like the creators of this Vogue cover, where a howling NBA superstar LeBron James, the first black man ever to grace the cover of Vogue, cradles blonde German Brazilian model Gisele Bündchen in a way so reminiscent of King Kong with Fay Wray that the magazine went viral. There you have the blonde bombshell held aloft by the brutish "ape," and even though Gisele is portrayed as having fun instead of terrified, the iconography of Hollywood about both the "stud muffin" stereotype and King Kong sends a crystal clear subject matter:

Eighteenth-century Westerners believed that large male apes, whether orangutans on Borneo or gorillas in Sub-Saharan Africa, carried off native human maidens from their villages into the jungles and raped them, reproducing and giving rise to the next generation of apes; these apes, for generations, had human blood in their veins, in other words. This was long before Darwin, and people like Thomas Jefferson, infamous for having affairs and illegitimate half-blood children with female slaves of African descent that he owned, subscribed to this notorious ape-rape theory.

In the twentieth century, post-Darwin, we had chimp testicle implants into impotent human males' scrota (there were also goat testicle implants, that became a boom or bubble in the US), and even the theoretical possibility (still held by some) of the humanzee, a human-chimp hybrid.

Still today, this mag cover is a hot potato. Hope we have learned our lesson and shy away from such iconography in mass media nowadays and in the future.

.......

PS. RACISM IN TALES OF THE MARVELLOUS AND NEWS OF THE STRANGE

In this medieval Islamic source material for the 1001 Nights, discovered in a library in Istanbul, a villain is described thus: "as black as a Negro, with bloodshot/red eyes, a nose like a flowerpot, and lips like kidneys" (owch!) and his mother is "as black as pitch, with bloodshot/red eyes, a snub nose, and an unpleasant smell" (nothing about her lips). In that same collection, a prophet foretells that the Ka'ba (the shrine in Mecca to which every Muslim has to make a Pilgrimage to) will be destroyed by "drunken and raucously singing blacks." 

Bernard Lewis, in his discussions of race in the Nights, says that this element "reveals a familiar pattern of sexual fantasy, social and occupational discrimination (nearly all these blacks are slaves or eunuchs), and and unthinking identification of lighter with better and darker with worse."

 

500 MILLAS (Traducción de The Proclaimers)

 500 MILLAS

de The Proclaimers

traducción de Sandra Dermark

18 de febrero, MMXXV

Dedicada a mamá, Elena Bufi Laviste <3

de todo corazón

***********************

Si despierto,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que se despierta junto a ti...

Cuando salga,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que salga fuera junto a ti.

Si me embriago,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que se emborracha junto a ti...

Y si doy vueltas,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que da vueltas en torno a ti...

***************************

Quinientas millas correré

y luego haré quinientas más

para ser aquel que dé cinco mil millas

y se desplome en tu portal...

*******************

Si trabajo,

pues yo sé lo que yo seré,

seré aquel que trabaja duro y bien por ti,

y si el dinero

viene de mi salario, sé

que hasta el último céntimo es para ti.

Cuando vuelva,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que vuelva a casa junto a ti,

y si envejezco,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que mayor se haga junto a ti...

************************

Quinientas millas correré

y luego haré quinientas más

para ser aquel que dé cinco mil millas

y se desplome en tu portal...

**********************

Si estoy solo,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que estará en soledad sin ti,

y si sueño,

pues yo sé que soñaré,

yo soñaré que estoy de nuevo junto a ti.

Cuando salga,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que salga fuera junto a ti.

Cuando vuelva,

pues yo sé lo que seré,

seré aquel que vuelva a casa junto a ti,

seré aquel que vuelva a casa junto a ti.

***************************

Quinientas millas correré

y luego haré quinientas más

para ser aquel que dé cinco mil millas

y se desplome en tu portal...

***************************

Quinientas millas correré

y luego haré quinientas más

para ser aquel que dé cinco mil millas

y se desplome en tu portal...

EL LOOK (traducción de Roxette)

 EL LOOK

Temazo de Roxette

traducción de Sandra Dermark

18 de febrero, MMXXV

******************

Vedla caminar,

dando martillazos,

es una estafadora,

nunca se ha rendido...

Sabe a gota de agua...

¡y tiene el look!

Va sin volver atrás

a las puertas del cielo,

vueltas y vueltas me da,

besa en mil colores,

su amor es salvaje,

¡y tiene el look!

***********************

Y tiene el look

(y tiene el look)

y tiene el look

(y tiene el look)

¿Qué puede poner

a esos ojos castaños de azul?

Si lo que quieres yo te haré

si quieres tú...

Y vamos: la la la la la

y tiene el look...

*************************

Al ritmo de la banda,

se mueve en martillazos,

puede hacer milagros,

ama en siete mares,

besa como arena...

¡y tiene el look!

*****************************

Y tiene el look

(y tiene el look)

y tiene el look

(y tiene el look)

¿Qué puede poner

a esos ojos castaños de azul?

Si lo que quieres yo te haré

si quieres tú...

Y vamos: la la la la la

y tiene el look...

*************************

Vedla caminar,

dando martillazos,

es una estafadora,

nunca se ha rendido...

Sabe a gota de agua...

¡y tiene el look!

*******************

Y ella va: na na na na na

na na na na na na

na na na nana

na na na na na na

na na na na nana

¡y tiene el look!

**********************

Y tiene el look

(y tiene el look)

y tiene el look

(y tiene el look)

¿Qué puede poner

a esos ojos castaños de azul?

Si lo que quieres yo te haré

si quieres tú...

Y vamos: la la la la la

y tiene el look...

*************************

CARMINA BURANA (selección)

Carmina Burana (selección)

Traducción de Sandra Dermark

OH, FORTUNA

DE FORTUNA LAS HERIDAS

ARDIENDO POR DENTRO

EL ABAD DE JAUJA

CUANDO EN LA TABERNA ESTAMOS

ES TIEMPO DE EUFORIA

SI UN CHICO Y UNA CHIQUILLA

******************************

OH, FORTUNA

Oh, Fortuna,

como Luna,

siempre en mutabilidad...

Siempre creces

y decreces,

vida detestable, sí,

ahora cuidas

y mantienes

mi mente distraída...

Las miserias,

las riquezas,

disuelves como el hielo.

Suerte inane

e inhumana,

en constante rotación,

suerte mala,

salud vana,

siempre en disolución...

Eclipsada

y velada,

ahora te alejas de mí...

Llevo la espalda

desnuda

por culpa de tus bromas...

La salud y

la virtud

son a mí contrarias...

los afectos

y defectos

siempre en dificultad...

Aquí y ahora,

sin demora,

palpita, mi corazón...

pues la suerte

golpea al fuerte,

¡llorad todos conmigo sin dilación!

***************************

DE FORTUNA LAS HERIDAS

De Fortuna las heridas

lloro a ojos lagrimeantes,

porque sus dones y regalos

rebelde ella sustrae.

Es verdad que tiene, sí,

frente enflequillada,

mas su nuca también es

una ocasión calva.

Es verdad que tiene, sí,

frente enflequillada,

mas su nuca también es

una ocasión calva.

En el trono de Fortuna me vi

con alegría sentado,

con las flores de la prosperidad

bellamente coronado.

Aunque en el pasado fui

feliz y agraciado,

ahora desciendo de allí,

de gloria privado.

Aunque en el pasado fui

feliz y agraciado,

ahora desciendo de allí,

de gloria privado.

La rueda de Fortuna vueltas da,

desciendo desgraciado,

otros ascienden a la cumbre al fin,

no más exaltados.

En lo alto reina el rey,

¡guárdese de ruina!

Pues en el eje se ve

a Hécuba, la reina.

En lo alto reina el rey,

¡guárdese de ruina!

Pues en el eje se ve

a Hécuba, la reina.

*******************************

ARDIENDO POR DENTRO

Ardiendo por dentro de

ira vehemente,

lleno de amargura, yo

hablo con mi mente...

Hecho de materia estoy,

de leve elemento,

como la hoja seca soy

a merced del viento...

Dicen bien que es propio

del hombre sensato

sobre roca sólida

fundar su aparato...

Yo, por otro lado, soy

como la corriente,

en el mismo trámite

nunca permanente...

Me dejo llevar así,

cual fantasma nave...

Como etéreas salas

corta rauda el ave...

Las cadenas no me atan,

tampoco las llaves,

busco a quien es como yo

y hallo a los truhanes...

Gravedad de corazón

para mí no es grave,

juego y amabilidad

son dulces panales...

Lo que Venus decreta

es esfuerzo suave...

No reside en corazón

si nada no hace...

El camino ancho sigo

por mis juventudes...

Peco y sigo vicios,

olvido virtudes...

Ávido de placeres

más que de salud,

muerto en espíritu,

¡cargo con mi cruz!

***************************

EL ABAD DE JAUJA

Yo...

yo, yo, yo soy el abad,

el abad del País de Jauja,

y mi concilio está con los bebedores,

y en la secta de los Dados se hace mi voluntad,

y quien temprano me busque en la taberna

por la tarde desnudo saldrá

y, despojado de su ropa, clamará:

¡Vafna! ¡Vafna!

¡Vafna! ¡Vafna!

¿Qué hiciste, suerte adversísima?

¡Los gozos de nuestra vida

nos los quitásteis todos!

************************

CUANDO EN LA TABERNA ESTAMOS

Cuando en la taberna estamos,

por nada nos preocupamos,

al juego nos dedicamos

y siempre por él sudamos.

¿Qué hacen donde don Dinero

casi siempre es el copero?

Si eso es lo que te preguntas,

pon mucha atención y escucha.

Unos beben, otros juegan,

llevan vidas indiscretas,

los que juegan a los dados

suelen salir despojados,

otros salen bien vestidos,

otros con sacos raídos,

nadie allí teme a la muerte,

todos tientan a la suerte.

Primero por quien da el vino,

así brinda el libertino,

otra vez por los cautivos,

la tercera, por los vivos,

la cuarta por los cristianos juntos,

la quinta, por los Fieles Difuntos,

sexta, por las vanidosas hermanas,

siete, por las bandidas casquivanas,

ocho por los hermanos dispersos,

nueve por los monjes perversos,

décima, por los navegantes,

la que hace once, por los discordantes,

la que hace doce, por los penitentes,

la que hace trece, por los indigentes.

Por los papas y los reyes

beben todos sin más leyes...

Beben la dueña y el dueño,

bebe el militar y el clero,

beben ellos, beben ellas,

beben siervos y doncellas...

beben estos, beben ellos,

beben miles, beben cientos...

Más de seiscientos ducados

duran poco, inmoderados,

beben todos sin más meta,

que ellos beban cuando quieran,

que nos critiquen las gentes

y acabemos indigentes.

¡Que los críticos fracasen

y entre los justos no acaben!

*******************************************

ES TIEMPO DE EUFORIA

¡Es tiempo de euforia,

oh vírgenes,

oh vírgenes,

oh vírgenes!

¡Toca celebrarlo,

oh jóvenes,

oh jóvenes,

oh jóvenes!

Oh, oh, oh,

estoy todo en flor,

ardo todo con el fuego

del primer amor...

¡De amor, amor, amor nuevo

me muero, me muero, me muero!

Hoy me reconforta

la promisión,

la promisión,

la promisión.

Mucho me deprime

la negación,

la negación,

la negación.

Oh, oh, oh,

estoy todo en flor,

ardo todo con el fuego

del primer amor...

¡De amor, amor, amor nuevo

me muero, me muero, me muero!

Juega bien conmigo

mi ingenuidad,

mi ingenuidad,

mi ingenuidad.

También me destruye

simplicidad,

simplicidad,

simplicidad.

Oh, oh, oh,

estoy todo en flor,

ardo todo con el fuego

del primer amor...

¡De amor, amor, amor nuevo

me muero, me muero, me muero!

Por todo el invierno

toca sufrir,

toca sufrir,

toca sufrir.

Con la primavera

arde uno al fin,

arde uno al fin,

arde uno al fin.

Oh, oh, oh,

estoy todo en flor,

ardo todo con el fuego

del primer amor...

¡De amor, amor, amor nuevo

me muero, me muero, me muero!

¡Ven, mi damisela,

ven a gozar,

ven a gozar,

ven a gozar!

¡Ven, ven, ven, mi hermosura,

sálvame ya,

sálvame ya,

sálvame ya!

Oh, oh, oh,

estoy todo en flor,

ardo todo con el fuego

del primer amor...

¡De amor, amor, amor nuevo

me muero, me muero, me muero!

***************************

SI UN CHICO Y UNA CHIQUILLA

Si un chico y una chiquilla

comparten una celdilla,

¡feliz conjunción!

El amor crece y crece,

gracias a este remedio,

desterrado está el tedio.

Un juego inefable hay

de miembros, músculos, labios...

LETTER TO A CAT MUM

Dear Mum,

thank you for the food you bring, and for that little catnip thing...

You keep my litterbox so clean, even on day's when I'm mean.

You let me nap on your clean clothes.

You listen to my cries and woes.

You keep my food bowl full each day,

now I will never fade away...

You check on me throughout the day,

just to know that I'm okay.

A cat mum's work is never done,

I'm very glad you are my mum.

Love,

your cats <3 

the hare who lost his spectacles

THE HARE WHO LOST HIS SPECTACLES!

By Jethro Tull

Owl loved to rest quietly whilst no one was watching.
Sitting on a fence one day, he was surprised when suddenly a Kangaroo ran close by. 

Now this may not seem strange, but when Owl overheard Kangaroo whisper to no one in particular, "Hare has lost his spectacles," well, he began to wonder

Presently, the Moon appeared from behind a cloud, and there, lying on the grass, was Hare.
In the stream that flowed by the grass, a Newt.
And sitting astride a twig of a bush, a Bee.

Ostensibly motionless, Hare was trembling with excitement, for without his spectacles he appeared completely helpless!
Where were his spectacles? Could someone have stolen them? Had he mislaid them? What was he to do?

Bee wanted to help, and thinking he had the answer began:
"You probably ate them, thinking they were a carrot."
"No!" interrupted Owl, who was wise. "I have good eyesight, insight, and foresight. How could such an intelligent hare make such a silly mistake?"

But all this time, Owl had been sitting on the fence, scowling!
Kangaroo was hopping mad at this sort of talk. She thought herself far superior in intelligence to the others. She was their leader, their guru, she had the answer: "Hare, you must go in search of the optician!"

But then she realized that Hare was completely helpless without his spectacles. And so, Kangaroo loudly proclaimed:
"I can't send Hare in search of anything!"
"You can Guru, you can!" shouted Newt. "You can send him with Owl!"
But Owl had gone to sleep. 

Newt knew too much to be stopped by so small a problem. "You can take him in your pouch!"

But alas, Hare was much too big to fit into Kangaroo's pouch. 

All this time, it had been quite plain to Hare that the others knew nothing about spectacles

As for all their tempting ideas, well Hare didn't care...
The lost spectacles were his own affair!
And after all, hare did have a spare a-pair!
A-pair!

*****************************

¡Esta es la HISTORIA del CONEJO que PERDIÓ los QUEVEDOS!

Traducción de Sandra Dermark

A Búho le encantaba reposar tranquilo mientras nadie le observaba. Estando posado sobre una valla un día, le sorprendió ver de repente a Cangura pasar, pegando saltos, muy de cerca.

Esto no podrá parecer raro, pero cuando Búho escuchó que Cangura le susurraba a nadie en particular: “Conejo ha perdido los quevedos…” Bien, entonces sí que empezó a hacerse preguntas.

Entonces la luna despuntó por detrás de las nubes y allí, tumbado en la hierba, estaba Conejo. En el riachuelo que discurría entre la hierba… Ajolote. Y posada a horcajadas sobre una ramita de un arbusto… Abeja.

A primera vista inmóvil, Conejo estaba temblando de la tensión, ya que sin sus quevedos estaba completamente indefenso. ¿Dónde tenía los quevedos? ¿Los había robado alguien? ¿Los había extraviado él? ¿Qué iba a hacer?

Abeja quería ayudar, y, creyendo tener la respuesta, intervino: “Tal vez te los comiste, tomándolos por… zanahorias”.

“¡No!” interrumpió Búho, que era sabio. “Tengo buena visión, reflexión y previsión. ¿Cómo podría un conejo tan listo cometer tamaña estupidez?” Pero todo el rato, Búho había estado posado en la valla, ¡poniendo mala cara!

Cangura estaba que pegaba saltos de la rabia con tal conversación. Se consideraba a sí misma muy superior en inteligencia a los otros animales. Era su líder, podría decirse. Ella tenía la respuesta: “Conejo, ¡debes ir en busca de la óptica!”

Pero entonces, se dio cuenta de que Conejo estaba completamente indefenso sin sus quevedos. Así que Cangura proclamó en voz alta: “¡NO PUEDO ENVIAR A CONEJO EN BUSCA DE NADA!”

“¡Tú puedes, Cangura, TÚ PUEDES!”, gritaba Ajolote. “Le puedes enviar con Búho”.

Pero Búho se había dormido. Ajolote sabía demasiado como para que le detuviera un problemilla tan pequeño. “Le puedes llevar en tu marsupio”. Pero, por desgracia, Conejo era demasiado grande y no cabía en el marsupio de Cangura.

Durante todo el rato, estaba claro como el agua para Conejo que los demás no sabían nada sobre quevedos.

Y en lo que respecta a todas sus ideas,

ninguna le podía importar…

¡Perder quevedos era su forma de ocupar

el tiempo, y, después de todo, tenía

recambios!