miércoles, 18 de octubre de 2023

PRECIOUS SCONES (POKÉMON GALAR OC:S)

 I have a fick about two Rocketeers named Sundance (dark-skinned redheaded female, enneatype Seven, Aquarius, extrovert) and Kidd (pale-skinned platinum blond male, enneatype One, Taurus, introvert), who are a marine unit aboard the good ship Nagelfar (actually a yacht) and their Pokémon Team led by a talking Galarian Meowth called Freya, their Team Pet (ambivert, enneatype Eight, Leo, sarcastic). All their Pokémon are named and speciesed after Norse Gods: they have a Skiddo which later evolves into Gogoat called Thor, a Mimikyu called Hela, a one-eyed Corviknight called Odin, a Galarian Rapidash called Frey, a Sprigatito which later evolves into Floragato and Meowscarada called Loki, a shiny Charizard called Surt which can become a Mega Charizard X... The historical setting is inspired by the 1980s. They defect and become free pirates, and from them on it's a war between them, the Galarian and Kalosian fronts of Team Rocket who are feuding (Sundance and Kidd are Galarian, well, Sundance is Crown Tundran, making her rowdier and more boisterous to match the Irish stereotype! Kidd is a Wyndoner, which would be a Londoner in our world), and the Law of both nations. The title?

PRECIOUS SCONES (VI NAGELFAR, IN SWEDISH): THE HUNDRED-CHEERS WAR

Later on they travel to Levincia in Paldea and are given a VIP tour of its Ocean Park full of Pokémon (Tirtouga and Carracosta with numbered carapaces, Flamigo, the Torterra line, Finneon and Lumineon, Luvdisc, Alomomola, Octillery, Inkay and Malamar, Oshawott, the Primarina line, the Skeledirge line, the Empoleon line, Eiscue, Galarian Farfetch'd and Sirfetch'd, Wailmer, the Walrein line, Frillish and Jellicent, the Inteleon line, the Froakie line), with Freya on a leash, by the architect of all the modern art white buildings on Levincia's riverbed and waterfront (not only the Ocean Park but also the Opera House, the Science Museum, the Panoramic Cinema, the Revolutionary Bridge, the Sunrise Pier, and the Green Promenade of Flying Buttresses), the older Santiago (inspired by Calatrava), whom they met at a sunny outdoor terrace where Kidd was having horchata and Santiago and Sundance were having Agua de Levincia (Oran Berry juice with Paldean cava -bubbly wine- and vodka, on ice). He takes them for honeymooners at first because so many honeymooners and newlyweds take pictures of themselves in front of his futuristic architecture. Santiago also paid their drinks. In the end everyone was exhausted and slumped into their bunks on the boat (Santiago into his villa bed outside Levincia). A mean Inteleon at the Ocean Park, nicknamed "Mean Newt" by the staff, who liked to shoot his water finger gun at the guests' pet Pokémon, had also gotten Freya wet, giving her a serious phobia of all newt Pokémon, not only Inteleon and its pre-evolutions Sobble and Drizzile, but also Salandit and Salazzle, Wooper and Quagsire. (It makes sense when you are a cat with a coat of steel wool how serious it would be for you to get wet, and therefore how crippling Freya's newt phobia is!)

Kidd's family is pretty ordinary and they are divorced. His full name is Henry Kidd Junior. His dad Henry Senior lives in a block of flats on Wyndon's outskirts and he loves playing golf and feeding stale bread to the Farfetch'ds, Sirfetch'ds, and Swannas in the district park pond. His mum Kate (née Collins) lives in Compshire in the Galarian countryside in a thatched cottage, not far from Ballonlea, and she does gardening and keeps Bellossoms and Lilligants as pets. She has grafted her berry bushes to create some pretty interesring hybrid berries. Kate also loves reading classic Galarian literature from the Middle Ages to the Industrial Revolution. She is especially fond of Killian Drakespeare, the famous Bard of Ballonlea, having acted in many of his plays, and still watches him both on telly (TV) and at the village theatre in Ballonlea, where they hold the Drakespeare Festival, with performances of his classic plays and a Renaissance faire. Above the fireplace hangs a poster of her in the lead role that made her: Katherine, her namesake, in The Taming of the Shroodle. She met Henry, who was then a young critic, at a performance at the Ballonlea Drakespeare Festival, and they fell in love, one of the many many times she starred in that play, of which she never grew weary and for which she played a wild, angry hoyden very unlike her gentle true self. Kate's twin sister, Kidd's maternal maiden aunt Louise Collins, who is hyperactive and free-spirited, always played Katherine's demure and gentle sister Bianca. Now she lives in Lumiose, the capital of Kalos, and is a fashion model and the face of a perfume brand, Eau de Star (though she has a crippling phobia of and allergy to lepidopteran Pokémon, ever since a Vivillon startled her in a lavender field in Southern Kalos one summer as a child. A Galarian female therapist, though well-intentioned, worsened her phobia by putting Louise in a cage full of Butterfrees, Vivillons, and Beautiflies, the dust from whose wings clogged her airways and made her cry!). Her rooftop penthouse has a swimming pool and a great Prism Tower view, especially at sunset and by night. Henry and Kate fell out of love because their marriage grew cold and due to irreconcilable differences. She wants a cottage and he wants to live in Wyndon town where the action is, though she didn't see much action in the sport of golf or in feeding waterfowl Pokémon by a pond. He doesn't understand the Renaissance linguistics of Drakespeare or doesn't want to get messy gardening, though, when she suggests an apron, he asks, "What about the body parts the apron does not cover?" Divorce was inevitable.

Sundance Tawhare's first name name is actually a translation of her original, nearly unpronounceable Crown Tundran (read: Gaelic) name, which means "dances with the Sun". Her family gave her that name to keep her away from curses and ghost- and dark- type Pokémon. Her mother and maternal grandmother are goodwives, ie herbalists and midwives, helping babies be born and hatch Pokémon eggs, with a reputation as village witches in the family's home village of Freezington. From them she learned how to use minerals, plants, fungi, and Pokémon parts for healing. Her dad Temuera Tawhare was a folklorist from Alola (Poni Island to be more precise) who came over to the Crown Tundra to study the supernatural and the folklore of the land and fell in love with the folklore, the landscape, and a beautiful Freezington girl who had no suitors due to her quirky heritage. Now he is a Literature teacher at the local school. It is from him that Sundance gets her passion for folklore and stories, hence the Norse Gods theme of the Pokémon Team. Her maternal grandpa is a dullahan, a headless horseman. Once, during the Second Great War, he was a young aristocratic army officer, Sir/Lieutenant Owen, from rural Southern Galar, who married Sundance's granny Maeve O'Hara and left her pregnant with Sundance's mother Rhiannon. He was in the cavalry and wanted to tame Spectrier, to use him as a weapon against the Axle Powers. He got a magical bridle and bit made from night-blooming plants, married Maeve, and impregnated her. But the goodwife or witch warned him that taming Spectrier would come at a price. On the first battle he rode the ghostly steed, a mortar shell from Kanto blew off his head. Still on he rode. Though left for dead by the Galarian Army, he lived on undead and rode on to a pregnant Maeve, made his condition known to her by signs. It was autumn, so she took a dried pumpkin jack o' lantern, put a Litwick inside it and it became Sir Owen's new head. Sundance is well-acquainted with both her grandfather and Spectrier, who have come to visit the family home on autumn nights, especially for Samhain leading the Wild Hunt: a great parade of ghost- and dark- type Pokémon all over the Crown Tundra, Isle of Armour, Galar, Kalos, and Northern Paldea (what would be the Celtic world in real life). Sundance is not ashamed at all of her family. She finds it pretty original!

Freya was originally a stray living on the backstreets of a summer resort in Southern Galar, in Hulbury by the Galarian Channel, and orphaned as a young kitten. She had a tough upbringing and survived by stealing and fleeing from petcatchers, even learning human speech. One day she stole a necklace from a wealthy Kalosian female tourist, attracted to its shiny sapphire, and was chased by both police (who wanted the gem) and petcatchers (who wanted the then nameless young Meowth's fallopian tubes tied up). Kidd and Sundance, then part of Team Rocket, were there for some relaxation and having some ice cream, and she jumped straight at them. Adopting and naming Freya was a no brainer (also, Kidd learned that Sundance knows what "fallopian tubes" means)!

Hela the Mimikyu hatched and was raised from owner to owner in the black market, being sold cheaper and cheaper because she brought misfortune to all her owners. Then she was not even given a name. They said she was cursed... Sundance got her when she belonged to Team Rocket and broke her curse by giving her a name, a kiss, and lots of love: things Hela had never had before. She soon opened up to Odin and Thor and is now a valuable crew member. She can communicate with humans through telepathy, like Odin the one-eyed Corviknight and Frey the Galarian Rapidash. Hela is a Pisces and a Four on the Enneagram. Odin is a Capricorn and a Five, and pretty aloof. Thor is an Aries and an Eight. He eats anything with cellulose, but is especially fond of clover and Yellow Pages. Frey is a Libra and a Nine on the Enneagram. He was caught by Kidd in Compshire when he belonged to Team Rocket, once when he and Sundance went there to visit his mum for the weekend, as a Ponyta.

PRECIOUS SCONES/VI NAGELFAR: POKÉMON

A RELEVANT PROLOGUE 

Kidd and Sundance meet first on a square in downtown Wyndon. There is a great statue of a bronze Commander from the industrial era on a very high pillar in the middle, surrounded by four oversized statues of bronze Pyroars to the four cardinal directions: males to the north and south, females to the east and west. Sundance, a cinnamon-skinned redhead in her twenties with fiery hair in a messy ponytail and green eyes, dressed in a mint green power suit, looks around in all directions.

SUNDANCE: Well, well, well... The Wyndon Eye?

She stops Kidd, a quintessential Wyndoner in his twenties with lilywhite skin in a Prussian blue impeccable business suit and black umbrella, with slicked back platinum hair and icy blue eyes.

SUNDANCE: Sir, where's the Wyndon Eye?

KIDD: It is "Could you please direct me to the Wyndon Eye," Miss. And, by the colour of your fiery hair and emerald eyes as well as your uncouth manners and your loud brashness, I take you to be from the Crown Tundra. If you keep on talking like that here in Wyndon town, you will sound like either a barbarian or a drill sergeant. May I invite you to a stout later this evening?

SUNDANCE: I AM a Crown Tundran, Sir.

KIDD: It is Kidd, not Sir, Miss...

SUNDANCE: Sundance, pleased to meet you (they shake hands).

KIDD: Well, Sundance, it will be a pleasure to escort such a lovely maiden to the Wyndon Eye and get on board with you, together. Your cinnamon complexion betrays some foreign descent, from outside the Crown Tundra.

(Sundance laughs.)

SUNDANCE: My dad is from Alola! His name is Temuera! He was a folklorist and he came to study the legends and the supernatural of the Crown Tundra, but, after he met Mum and they had me, he teaches Literature at our school... My mum Rhiannon does a lot of things, but mostly she hatches Pokémon eggs!

It begins to rain.

SUNDANCE: Shoot, it's raining!

KIDD (opening his umbrella): No matter, we can share my brolly.

SUNDANCE: What is a brolly?

KIDD: Why? It's an umbrella! Wyndonsplaining...

They get on the Wyndon Eye together, just as it's ceasing to rain around the ferris wheel.

SUNDANCE: WOW! You can see all of Wyndon town, even the surrounding woods...

That evening, they eat Veluza fish and chips at The Happy Veluza, Kidd's favourite chip shop, then have a few stouts at Kidd's favourite pub, and then, as Kidd follows Sundance to the hotel, the following exchange occurs:

KIDD: I live in a suburb of Wyndon with my dad Henry, he plays a lot of golf. Mum's name is Kate. She lives in a thatched cottage in the countryside and does a lot of gardening. They're divorced. Quite the garden-variety Galarians, pun intended. After I drop you at the hotel I've got to take the bus home... I work for a certain secret organisation that happens to be recruiting nowadays. My card... 

He shows her a card with a big red R and an address in suburban Wyndon.

SUNDANCE: 13 Hyacinth Crescent... Oh my Arceus! It's the address where I have to show up tomorrow morning for my job interview.

KIDD: Really?

SUNDANCE: Of course?

KIDD: Then, see you tomorrow! Break a leg!

They blow one another a kiss and see each other disappear.

PS. At the Happy Veluza.

KIDD: You can't visit Wyndon without sampling the local specialty, right?

SUNDANCE: Scrumptious! The breaded Veluza and the chips are both golden and crispy!

KIDD: You see why this is my favourite chip shop! Lucky we have a high tea between lunch and supper! Now for some sightseeing around town, and then a stout at Colin's at seven!

SUNDANCE: Don't tell me the pub owner is Crown Tundran like yours truly!

KIDD: Of course, my Horsea! He immigrated here in his youth to set up the pub...

They see and take photos of several monuments and feed the Swannas in a park pond. Around seven, in the rain under their shared brolly, Kidd and Sundance stop by a cozy downtown pub. The sign says "Colin's." The pub seems to be from the seventeenth or eighteenth century.

Upon entering, above the bar stands a sign reading "Céad Míle Fáilte!" Colin is a robust Crown Tundran in his fifties, with salt-and-pepper hair and whiskers. He looks like Colin Farrell.

COLIN: 'Evening, Kidd! A hundred thousand welcomes!

SUNDANCE: 'Evening, Colin... Céad Míle Fáilte! A hundred thousand welcomes to you too! That's what it says on the sign on the bar...

KIDD: I always wondered what it meant... 'Evening, Colin!

COLIN: That's a nice little cailín you've picked up on the town today. Follow old Colin's advice and tie the knot with her. I am always too busy with the pub to get married. You could say the pub is me wife!

KIDD: Oh no, she's just a friend I made, I might just as well prefer the company of other gentlemen! By the way, what is a "caleen?"

SUNDANCE: A cailín is a girl or a maiden in Crown Tundran. Someone like me.

COLIN: That's right! Anyway, may I take your orders?

KIDD: A pint of stout for me, please.

SUNDANCE: And a quarter gallon of stout for me.

KIDD: Can't you say please? And isn't a quarter gallon a tad too much for a lady?

COLIN: We Crown Tundrans go straight to the point. No time for any posh pleases or thanks. Oh my, it was ages since I last poured a quarter gallon to a cailín like you...

SUNDANCE: No matter. I have a pretty high threshold. I can hold it.

By the time Kidd and Sundance leave Colin's pub and he's escorting her to the hotel, it's quarter to eight and both of them are merry, neither one is at least slightly tipsy.

Later on, there is a political event called Galarxit which means Galar leaves the Federation of Regions which means Team Rocket gets leeway to carry out more illegal operations, and which leads to a war between the Galarian and Kalosian branches of Team Rocket. It is called the Galarxit War.

PRECIOUS SCONES/VI NAGELFAR 

RETURN TO WYNDON (THE YELLOW POKÉBALL)

A series of choice abductions are taking place all around the capital of Galar. They hail from both Wyndon itself and the provinces and they happen to be powerful Pokémon, Drakespearean thespians, and intelligent scientists and techies. Wherever an abduction takes place, a graffiti of a big yellow Pokéball is left behind as calling card, leaving Galarian police to call the criminal "the Yellow Pokéball."

The cover shows Kidd and Sundance (and Freya) in raincoats with Pokéballs in hand in front of a redbrick wall of Lumiose Dock in Wyndon (shipping for Kalos heads there). The Yellow Pokéball is painted on the wall.

The crew of the Nagelfar, after learning of the crimes through the Galar Times, meet in Wyndon a retired Drakespearean thespian and aristocrat from the Ballonlea shire, Sir Kenneth Lockheart, made famous by the villainous role of Honest Iago (he is based upon Iago, Branagh, and Gilderoy Lockhart), which he played alongside Kidd's mum Kate as Iago's wife Emilia, and shortly after he invites them to Corphish thermidor and white wine followed by Oran Berry crêmeux, and then to a few pints of stout, both supper and drinks at a gentlemen's club, the Reform Club (for which Sundance has to wear a suit, an emerald green suit gifted by Sir Kenneth at Horrod's, and fake a deep voice, since no women are allowed), Kidd has his pint of stout spiked and disappears. It is up to Sundance and Freya, partly riding Odin, partly on foot, to search for him, following clues through unsafe Wyndon streets in the night, down to a warehouse on Lumiose Dock where all the thespians and scientists and techies (including Kidd) and powerful Pokémon, are being held hostage... BY SIR KENNETH!!! He reveals that he was inspired by his character, Honest Iago. He was also made aware of the vanity of youth when his best friend Kate left the stage to have a husband and child, and Kate's sister Louise announced her move to Kalos, so he decided to leave the stage too and pick a lifestyle he liked: one of freelance crime and terrorism. He doesn't like to join a mafia like Team Rocket, but rather be a free spirit and follow his heart. Kidd and Sundance tell Sir Kenneth that they have defected from Team Rocket and are freelancers and free spirits as well, and he says he admires that. When told to free his prisoners and turn to less unethical strategies like smuggling, they seal the deal with a handshake as a gentlemen's agreement and an agreement between free spirits. As they leave Wyndon, they get Sir Kenneth's card with the Yellow Pokéball and an invite to his estate in the Galarian countryside, just north of Ballonlea, for tea and croquet.

During the battle against Sir Kenneth in the warehouse, his grunt Basil (who looks and acts like John Cleese as Mr. Fawlty) pulls out a Quagsire, and his femme fatale Sybil (who looks and acts like Prunella Scales as Mrs. Fawlty), pulls out a Salazzle. They're both old thespian friends of Sir Kenneth's who have followed him into his new lifestyle. Freya's crippling newt phobia kicks in (this happens post-Levincia). She is frozen in place at first, then curls up and mutters: "No no no... NOT the NEWTS... No splashing... Danger... Red alert... Red alert... Levincia... Levincia... Please don't shoot me..." It is then that Kidd and Sundance are made aware of her newt phobia and what kickstarted it. "ANYTHING but the NEWTS... Sundance, put me in a POKÉBALL..." Usually Freya stays out in the open and steers clear of Pokéballs, wearing the cutest of yellow raincoats and boots when the weather is foul (Sundance wears a mint green and Kidd a cobalt blue rain ensemble), but this time she chooses the lesser of two evils and lets Sundance put her in the ball (when asked about the inside of it later, she replies she was "as snug as a Charjabug in a plaid rug!"). Sundance fights and wins a tag battle against the Thenardiéresque couple with Odin the one-eyed Corviknight and Hela the Mimikyu.

 (This arc is a reference to The Yellow M in Blake & Mortimer!).

Later on they return to Levincia and find an aloof stray male Sprigatito on the waterfront, which Sundance catches and names Loki. Now the Nagelfar has two ship's cats, one of whom being grass-type doesn't need a raincoat, and Freya is at first jealous of Loki for all the attention he gets, yet as he opens up to the crew, humans and Pokémon alike, he gradually falls in love with Freya, to the point of the two of them kissing at a rainy sunset when he's a Meowscarada. Loki's zodiac sign is Gemini and his enneatype is Seven as well. He is very curious and gradually learns human speech, like Freya did, until he is fluent as a Floragato...

PREHISTORIC PARK

After Loki the Sprigatito has joined the crew, when the crew of the Nagelfar are in Hulbury by the Galarian Channel resting and having some ice cream, they win some sweepstakes to visit Prehistoric Park on Ettinborough Island in warmer waters (Paldean waters, something like the Canary Islands), the personal haven of old Professor David Ettinborough, of GBC (Galarian Broadcasting Corporation) fame as a Pokémon documentary narrator, where he has gathered all known fossil Pokémon, all brought back to life in the same lush volcanic paradise. 

The crew of the Nagelfar sail to Ettinborough Island and are warmly welcomed by the charming old Professor with Pinap coladas under the abundant plant life (though Sundance would have preferred stout or Agua de Levincia, and Loki and Freya would have preferred cream). He also shows them around, the jeeps, and his own car the Ledybug (looks like a VW Bug and is red with spots like a Ledyba). They ride the Ledybug and he introduces them to the prehistoric Pokémon around the island, several of which have got proper names, including a massive female Tyrantrum called Li'l Ty.

After dark, the pollen in the flowers of the night-blooming Vileplumes mixed with Loki's scent makes all the prehistoric Pokémon go berserk. They all chase Professor Ettinborough and the crew of the Nagelfar, who drive around in the Ledybug from the watchtower to the bungalow (Kidd as co-pilot, Sundance, Loki, and Freya in the backseat). Li'l Ty puts the Ledybug in her mouth and tries to eat the car, passengers and all! Suddenly Loki picks up a hand grenade that the Professor kept in the backseat in case of emergency in his mouth as if it were some kind of berry. It gives Sundance and Freya the bright idea to open the window and, pulling out the pin, throw the grenade down the Tyrantrum's throat into her esophagus. It works: Li'l Ty spits the car out.

At their temporary home, the prehistoric Pokémon lay siege to the bungalow in the night. Professor Ettinborough finds out that it is the unfamiliar scent of Sprigatito that is driving them into a frenzy. They all calm down and break the siege, sure enough, as soon as Kidd sprays Loki with his men's deodorant.

The next day, the crew says a very fond farewell to the Professor and to his prehistoric zoo, including to Li'l Ty, apologizing for giving her a very sore throat!

DAWN OF THE SURT

After visiting Ettinborough Island, the crew of the Nagelfar learn through the Galar Times of a berserk shiny Charizard, a male by the looks of it, terrorising the countryside in Compshire and Ballonlea. Kidd fears for his mother's safety, while Sundance wishes to catch the fiery black behemoth and call him Surt.

As they reach the shire, they find Kate's cottage under siege by the black 'Zard fighting Basil and his Quagsire, and Sybil and her Salazzle. Freya's newt phobia kicks in again, while Kidd and Sundance send Odin, Thor, and Hela to defend the cottage and help the shiny Charizard against Sir Kenneth's henchpeople. In the heat of battle, Loki overwhelms the newt Pokémon with his sweet scent. The crew of the Nagelfar win, make friends with the Charizard before catching him, heal him at the village Pokémon Centre, and call him Surt. They then spend the night with a dessert of trifle at Kate's, room and board and breakfast, and decide to look for megastones, Charizardites X, to power up their new friend, across the Channel in Kalos, unaware that Basil and Sybil are spying and eavesdropping...

Meanwhile at the Reform Club in Wyndon...

SIR KENNETH: All right... So Surt, like the lava giant who will start Ragnarök... And Charizardites... Only one jewellery shop, the Stone Emporium in Lumiose, has them at great expense. Basil! Sybil! I need you two in Lumiose ASAP. Follow those whippersnappers and that shiny Charizard. Surely we live in interesting times...

MEGASTONE QUEST

Having crossed the Galarian Channel to Laverre in Kalos, our friends moor the Nagelfar at port and hire their land vehicle in Kalos, the Vespi: a yellow Vespa with a sidecar, striped like a Vespiquen and even with a headlight like the red hexagonal ruby on the Vespiquen's forehead. Sundance rides the Vespi with Freya on her shoulders, Kidd on her sidecar and Loki on his shoulders. We have been with them to Kalos and seen Laverre and the Vespi and Lumiose and Aunt Louise and lodged in her penthouse before, after the first visit to Levincia and before the Yellow Pokéball in Wyndon.

Once back in Lumiose, the crew of the Nagelfar lodge in Louise's penthouse again. She informs them that the only place in all of Kalos where you can find a Charizardite X (in fact, any Charizardites) is the Stone Emporium in Lumiose itself, not far from the Prism Tower, but that the gems in that jewellery shop are very pricey. The next day, after a breakfast of coffee, croissants, and Oran Berry juice, the crew plus Louise head off to the Stone Emporium to purchase three Charizardites X for Sundance to wear in a Thor's hammer. The jeweller René (who looks like René Artois) says that each Charizardite costs 100,000. Now where to get 300,000 ASAP? Aunt Louise suggests that Kidd, Sundance, Freya, and Loki model for her haute couture runway that weekend at the foot of the Prism Tower! Even though Freya and Sundance are at first reluctant, they decide, coaxed by Louise's Chirac-like agent Jacques, to wear the emerald green and orange avant-garde gown and the shocking pink kitty couture. Loki looks lovely in black and Kidd in cobalt and white, while Louise wears a cyan mermaid tail gown.

But on the runway, whom do they find modelling as well but SIR KENNETH, dressed in a snazzy salmon pink brocade suit (looking every bit like Gilderoy Lockhart!). His spies in Lumiose, Basil and Sybil, had informed him of the fashion show, and he has his own modelling agency, being an aristocrat! And he has brought his own pet model Gilderoy, an INTELEON in a white brocade suit and top hat, to the runway! Freya cannot model, she is frozen in place by the highest epitome of her newt phobia, but thankfully Kidd moves her around the runway like a puppet and saves the show!

A Pokémon Battle takes place after the fashion show: Surt, Odin, Thor, Frey, Loki, and Hela all curbstomp the three newt Pokémon of Sir Kenneth and his cronies. In the end, they say farewell, the noble saying that he was just putting them to the test and that they will get stronger the next time...

SIR KENNETH: I cannot wait to see what you do with your megastones...

Having raised their 300,000 the crew heads on Monday to the Stone Emporium, and René mounts the three Charizardites X into the Thor's hammer, that Sundance wears around her neck.

RENÉ: So you have a shiny Charizard called Surt... Pretty meaningful name, right? These gems are costly and full of power. Use them only when you need them the most.

SUNDANCE: I will (right hand on heart).

They take their leave of Aunt Louise, get on the Vespi, return up north to the Channel, buy provisions, and set sail once more for new adventures...

Surt the shiny Charizard is a Scorpio and an Eight on the Enneagram. He is quite protective of the people and Pokémon he loves, which now means the crew of the Nagelfar and formerly meant the forest of Compshire (he tried to torch the cottages because some careless young Wyndoners had littered in the woods). You mess with Surt, you get burned literally.

AN ENCHANTED EVENING

While exploring an islet on the Galarian Channel, Kidd and Sundance find buried Viking gold treasures where Freya and Loki were digging to bury their excrements. After trading their ancient gold to Laverre Museum in Northern Kalos for a small fortune in contemporary money, the crew of the Nagelfar decide to spend it on a little soirée. Sundance and Kidd have always wanted to watch a live opera. At the Ópera de Levincia they are giving Othello, a Drakespearean opera, so why not set sail for Paldea, eat a good traditional lunch and supper washed down with good drinks, spend the evening there, and watch the Levincian modern skyline, with its waterfront and riverbed futuristic architecture, shining brightly at night, one of the famous Ten Sights of Paldea? Everyone agrees.

After mooring in the Port of Levincia, everyone is starving. Both humans are sharply dressed in their gentlemen's suits from the Reform Club in Wyndon. First stop: a pet-friendly restaurant near the Museo de Ciencias. Corphish paella with crispy socarrat on the bottom, Agua de Levincia for the humans, and agua de fuente for Loki and Freya. Artazon nougat ice cream for dessert for everyone (Artazon, south of Levincia, is a locality famous for its Navidad nougats and ice cream, not to mention dollmaking). The meal is delicious.

First Kidd and Sundance go buy the tickets for the opera, but they have five hours until the show begins: enough to enjoy the Museo de Ciencias and the Paseo de los Arbotantes. First they decide to visit the Science Museum, since the Promenade is on the way to the Ópera de Levincia.

At the Museo, with Loki and Freya in the Pokéballs (they will stay there for a while) there is a Foucault's Pendulum, a huge model of a DNA molecule, and a hatchery called "La Maravilla de la Vida" hatching many diverse Pokémon eggs in three incubators, which draws many families with children: couples of lesbian mothers, single dads, interracial couples... Kidd and Sundance watch a Happiny and a Wynaut hatch. There is also a huge interactive colour-coded periodic table which keeps them busy for a while. Pushing each element tile gives you the element's name and atomic number in Galarian, Paldean, and Kalosian, for example: "Hydrogen, atomic number one. Hidrógeno, número atómico uno. Hydrogène, numéro atomique un". They keep on pushing tiles of the elements and watching eggs hatch and watching the Pendulum swing.

After three and a half hours at the Museo de Ciencias, Kidd and Sundance leave for the Paseo de Arbotantes. The Promenade leading to the Ópera de Levincia is covered with flying buttresses and filled with exotic plants and grass-type Pokémon like Tropiuses, Alolan Exeggutors, Bellossoms, and Lilligants. Here they free Loki and Freya so they can enjoy the Paseo, but the cats will be back in their Pokéballs at the opera since no pets are allowed there. Kidd also refreshes Sundance's memories about Othello:

"So Othello is this general who is happily married to the lovely Desdemona, but whom Honest Iago, his assistant, poisoned against her by making him believe that she is having an affair with young Cassio. And he believes in the ruse. I give no spoilers, but the ending is Drakespearean indeed!"

He also tells Sundance that the opera will be in Galarian with surtitles in Paldean (in fact, the lyrics are Miss Dermark's Verdian Othello, on this blog, with all animal and idiom references Pokémonised!)

As they enter the Ópera de Levincia, which resembles a huge starship ready to take off, they encounter Santiago, their architect friend, who having designed the Opera House gets a VIP pass to see operas and is very fond of bel canto himself. They greet each other before taking their seats.

When the opera is staged, the singers in Victorian or nineteenth-century clothing, who isn't singing with the spotlight on, singing in an ominous baritone, plying young Lieutenant Cassio with strong drink, pouring poison into Othello's ears, but SIR KENNETH once more, starring as Honest Iago? What a surprise!

IAGO: I believe in a cruel god,
who made us Primeapes in his own image so odd...
From a filthy infectious 
germ and the soil-dust 
I was created;
I'm reprobate, due to
human affections...
honour's and virtues' striving I mock indeed!
Yes... that's my very own creed!

...

COMMONERS (to Desdemona):
Where your starry eyes look,
hearts are set on fire...
Where you walk, the ground blooms
and nothing looks dire...
'Midst Lilligants and Roserades,
in maiden shrine's ring,
parents, children, spouses
gather here to sing.


...

OTHELLO (dying, coughing up blood, to Desdemona's form as he caresses her):
Right ere I killed you... dear... I kissed you thrice...
Now... plunging into darkness...
how much I miss you...
I kiss you...
(He kisses her cold lips.)
I kiss you once more...
(He gives her a second kiss...)
Ah... die on the third kiss...
(He kisses her for the third time, breathing his last into her suffocated airways, to rise up nevermore.)

By the end of the opera, when Othello has stabbed himself and died on the third kiss, bleeding out and kissing thrice the beloved wife he stifled in a jealous rage, Sundance is sobbing and drying up her tears, while a single drop runs down Kidd's left cheek, ere both clap their hands at the curtain call.

As they sit down at the Opera Hous.e's Restaurante Contrapunto for a supper of Lechonk ham, Malamar rings with Sitrus Berry juice, and sour cream and chive vol-au-vents, all washed down with cava, who doesn't come to sit by their side but Sir Kenneth? May I, as a good frenemy, please? 

KIDD: Of course. You were always a worthy opponent at our Pokémon battles, so why not?

SUNDANCE: And you were brilliant as Honest Iago. You stole the show this evening. And at the end you disappeared for the Law not to seize you!

KENNETH: Thank you very much indeed, my dear frenemies. In fact, I missed the applause, the spotlight, the challenge of having to play someone who is not who he is, who is someone different depending on whom he is with. Not even the thespian or the baritone who plays him gets to know the REAL Iago. Camarero, otra botella de cava y una copa para mí, por favor.

Santiago also joins their table at the Contrapunto and shares their tapas and cava.

All four share their tapas and some lively conversation in Galarian for two hours.

KENNETH: I love it when the villains escape unscathed at the end, because that means chaos never dies...

They all have horchata cremoso (crêmeux in Paldean) for dessert and toast with cava to long frenmity. Sir Kenneth pays for everyone's supper except Santiago's, to everyone's surprise, and the crew of the Nagelfar thank him very much.

After Sundance and Kidd escort Sir Kenneth and his three bodyguards to his five-star hotel, they free Loki and Freya and get to a lookout point on a hill in the riverbed where they can see the whole futuristic architecture skyline shining at midnight, and they take a few photos, before they return to the waterfront and sleep snug as Charjabugs in plaid rugs in their bunks on the Nagelfar.

The next day, on to the next quests or adventures...

Déjà-vu anyone?

The idea of two good at heart people of different looks and personalities, one of them smarter and the other more sensual, and their team pet, going on far-flung quests and adventures in different places and meeting a colourful core secondary cast, is taken from Franco-Belgian graphic novels. Kidd is Astérix or Tintin. Sundance is a female Obélix or Haddock. Freya is a talking kitty version of Idéfix or Milou/Snowy. Who didn't love these graphic novels as a kid or teen (and maybe does still in adulthood)? The idea of giving them a boat and making them pirates was so that they could take their home with them wherever they went. The stereotypes of British tourists abroad I play with are also tinkered with in Witches Abroad by the legendary Sir Terry Pratchett.

THE WILD HUNT

While sailing from the East Province of Paldea to Kalos, the crew of the Nagelfar get the news by phone that Goodwife Maeve, in a certain Crown Tundran village, is very ill in a coma and about to die. So off they go to the Crown Tundra once more (they have already met Sundance's family), to inquire about Sundance's granny's health. However, when they arrive, Maeve is already deceased and the whole village of Freezington, including her daughter Rhiannon and son-in-law Temuera and Mort the mortician, is having the funeral. Furthermore, the goodwife has died on Samhain night, and her last words were: "Death is the next big quest... Don't wait for me, Owen, I'm coming!"

During the funeral, Sundance meets with her parents again and shares the mourning. Rhiannon is devastated for having lost her beloved mother, and both Temuera and Sundance try to reassure her. After the funeral, Kidd is surprised by Sundance's explanation that everyone in the Crown Tundra and Isle of Armour goes to the pub instead of home after funerals to shake off ectoplasm from evil spirits. That evening he chooses to accompany Sundance and her parents, with Freya and Loki in tow, to the local pub "The Headless Rider." Once there, everyone except the Meowth drinks stout in the light of jack o' lanterns, and Temuera and Rhiannon praise Kidd as their worthy in-law, after some conversation. He claims that he is only Sundance's friend, and Sundance and Freya and Loki agree. 

Rhiannon is still wistful when a great racket is heard outside. Everyone goes out to the door to see a huge parade of ghost- and dark- type Pokémon matching down the streets of Freezington, led by a dullahan with a jack o' lantern head riding Spectrier... But riding sidesaddle behind him is the ghost of a familiar old lady. Ghost Maeve waves for her family to join her, and they do. So do Kidd and Freya and Loki.

"My dear girl... Rhiannon... You too, Temuera, and you, my darling young Sundance... Now I am part of the Wild Hunt, together forever with Owen and Spectrier... I will follow them every Samhain night, and then I shall pass by the home of those I hold dear... I shall not tarry, for the Wild Hunt has got lands to ride through..."

As the Wild Hunt rides away, Sundance's parents dry up their tears and the girl herself also gets all teared up. The next day, Rhiannon announces her plans to find an apprentice as the next goodwife, but she also has an errand for her daughter and her friends to help her as a goodwife:

"Could you sail to the East Province of Paldea and find me some Salty Herba Mystica for arthritis potions? It grows on the hills north of Levincia..." is Rhiannon's request. Embracing her goodbye, Sundance agrees to find her the ingredient she requests.

QUEST FOR THE HERBA MYSTICA

After mooring the Nagelfar in Levincia, our crew head up north to find the Salty Herba Mystica, though not before buying a map of the East Province in town to locate the secret ingredient easier. The old man who sells them the map at an open-air market warns them, however, that the Salty Herba Mystica is guarded by a fearsome Pokémon who has already consumed a lot of it...

Up north in Area Three of the East Province, in a hilly land with the ruins of a small castle, near the mountain village of Zapapico, the crew of the Nagelfar follow the map to the hills where the Salty Herba Mystica grows, but before they reach the hills there is a sudden earthquake and sandstorm, shocking Sundance, Kidd, Freya, and Loki, and then Sundance almost falls into the gaping mouth of a gargantuan Orthworm that was surfacing like a Sarlacc out of the ground.

Everyone makes a dash for the Castle to keep themselves safe, guessing the oversized Orthworm was the Pokémon in the map seller's warning. Once in the fortress ruins, Kidd consults the map book and they all learn this Orthworm is male and called the Lurking Steel Titan, and he became this size and strength by consuming Salty Herba Mystica. He can use Iron Tail, Headbutt, Wrap, and Sandstorm.

Suddenly the Lurking Steel Titan makes a dash for the Castle. The crew of the Nagelfar see no way out but battle; this Orthworm is quite territorial and wants no intruders to take his prized Salty Herba Mystica. Odin, Thor, Frey, and Hela are soon left out of commission by the Titan, and now the gargantuan Orthworm is fighting Surt on equal terms, and suffocating the shiny Charizard with Wrap. It is then that, seeing all hope lost, Sundance decides to use her first Charizardite X and makes Surt mega-evolve. Mega Charizard X Surt breaks free from the Lurking Steel Titan's constraints and thoroughly torches him. Then the Titan shrinks in size to that of a regular Orthworm.

After healing their Pokémon at the Centre in Zapapico, the crew of the Nagelfar makes their way to the hills where the Salty Herba Mystica grows, and Kidd and Sundance fill their satchels with the wonderful herb. Suddenly Thor eats some of the Salty Herba Mystica and becomes able to leap incredibly high. Loki also tries the herb and not only becomes able to jump at dizzying heights, but also evolves into Floragato and becomes fluent in human languages.

Back in Freezington in the Crown Tundra, Rhiannon and Temuera take the Herba Mystica but not all of it. They advise their daughter and her friends to keep some Salty Herba Mystica at hand in case they need it. With some Salty Herba Mystica in their satchels, Sundance and Kidd, Freya and Loki, all take their leave of Sundance's parents for the moment and set sail for new adventures...

martes, 17 de octubre de 2023

SALMACIS AND HERMAPHRODITUS - Nina McLaughlin

 SALMACIS AND HERMAPHRODITUS


  S: All the women of the woods they told me. Pick up the bow. Run the paths. Hunt with us. I saw them. Sweaty. Bruised. Snarled hair stuck with burrs. Animal blood below their nails, dried like ashes on the private part of their wrists. No thank you. It’s good to challenge yourself, said the naiads. Rest feels better when you work for it, they said. I worked for it. The women of the woods chased animals. I had a different hunt.

  H: I was fifteen years old.

  S: While they chase boar, deer, rabbit, beaver, bear, while their skin is snagged on prickers, while their muscles burn from crouching silent and unmoving so not to startle a stag, I lounge by my spring. I comb my hair. I touch myself. I wait.

H: I’d never kissed a girl.

  S: I positioned myself in the morning on moss. My robe ate the dew. My breasts are big as beehives, not like the other naiads, who sweat and run all day, who end up with little lemon breasts. Lying on my side, the softness of my belly dropped, the wide roundness of my hip rising as result. My right-hand fingers in my hair, my left-hand fingertips on moss, sunlight through the trees dancing on my body. Pure allure. The birds and small soft creatures look upon me. They don’t get close. The eyes of the squirrels are black. The nervous birds’ bones I could crush in my palm, crack their little twig ribs and mash the air right out. They don’t get close enough. My body rises and falls slowly with my breath. I watch the sky move on the spring.

S: And then he arrived. He came through the trees into the morning sun by the spring, tentative as a fawn, and I liked this. Son of Aphrodite, son of Hermes, are you lost? Let me help you feel at home, beautiful boy. Let me distract you from your fears. I looked at him and oh, this beautiful young man, this meat. All verge. All cusp. Any minute he would fall from the high ledge of boyhood and land in the bristled plain of being man.
And I liked this, too, this almost there but not all the way, this in-between. Long legs with muscle bulge above the knee. The bones of his ankles like arrowheads. The spread of his chest and its smoothness, I imagined no hair yet on this young man. His clavicles across his shoulders like sticks to bang a massive drum. The juicy swell of his lower lip, that bulge, the perfect seagull M of his upper lip. Eyes not black like the squirrels but pristine as my spring, and revealing him right away untouched. Already I was too excited. I needed calm. I smoothed my robe, positioned it off my left shoulder, pulled my long hair over my right. I bit and wet my lower lip.
H: There was a lady at the edge of the water. Her legs were thick, a lot of her beneath a robe. I was seeing too much of her. She did not look like my mother. There was something hungry in her eyes.

  S: Your mother is lucky to have had you inside her, I said.

  H: I don’t remember what that was like.

S: Your brothers and sisters are lucky, too, if you have them, to be able to look upon you as their sibling.
  H: I don’t have them.

  S: And very lucky was the nursemaid whose tits you tongued and sucked, whose breasts you emptied. And here I moved my hand down and absently touched my own, felt my nipple firm against my palm, just the way I wanted it. And I saw his eyes follow my hand, just the way I wanted it.

  H: I don’t remember—

  S: Luckiest of all is your girlfriend or your bride-to-be, because I can only assume you have one. It’s all right. Oh, it’s all right. Don’t worry. We can love each other secretly. No one will know except the birds and the squirrels and the leaves, and they’re voiceless when it comes to this sort of thing, I promise.

  H: This sort of thing?

  S: The blood rose to his cheeks. And I suspected that blood was gathering elsewhere as well. And my stomach dropped into my hips in that expectant throb, that heated pulse that precedes the best thing.

H: I watched my mother butcher a rabbit once. She punched its head to break its neck and the lights went out of its eyes, and then she knifed it open and tugged out all its guts, all those dark wet interior parts. She tossed them to the dogs. They lapped the floor for so long. I didn’t like it. I was seeing more than I should see. I didn’t want to know. I had a queasy feeling. Now I felt this way again.

  S: Here. Don’t worry. Here. Just a small kiss.

  H: I hadn’t seen looks before like the ones she gave. They reached into my guts with fingers on the inside that tickled. It didn’t feel right. And also at the same time it felt like something I’d been approaching, maybe since the beginning, and I had a sense somehow that this is what I faced, this was what was coming for me, this new realm was opening to me, these looks and swells and smells. But I wasn’t ready.

 S: Like this. Here. Just a small kiss. Like a sister or a friend. Like this.

  H: I don’t think I—

  S: Here. Just quiet. You don’t have to worry. Like this.

  H: I took steps back.

S: He took steps back. Though the hunt had begun as soon as he stepped into the clearing, now in earnest it began. They don’t know it, and I don’t tell them, but the naiads’ pleasure in the hunt is the same as mine—tension and the release of it. That’s all I’m ever after. They chase and stalk and aim and shoot and if they do it right, they catch their game and kill it dead. Thrill born out of effort. If in the woods you were to pause on the path and a deer emerged from the trees and instead of leaping away in frighted flight, it walked toward you, brown dew eyes glittering all fearless, and it offered itself to you, displaying its flank in easy range—where would be the challenge? And therefore, the satisfaction? Better to leave the eager deer standing there offering itself and try to find one that will make you earn your pleasure. I’ve never wanted the ones that offer themselves up to me, who beg to touch my beehive breasts, who tell me they want to lose themselves in my soft thick curves. Too easy. No eventual moment of surrender when the fight leaves them and they’re yours. This is what I live for. I do not need a quiver or a bow.

 H: I kept stepping backward away from her touching and kissing.

  S: Those steps back, that resistance, it heated me and made me juiced more than any sort of beauty, more than any sort of sculpted form or shining smile or brains or smell.

  H: She just kept coming.

  S: He stepped back and I felt the wet between my legs. You don’t want it? I will make you want it. Here. Just let me—doesn’t it feel good? There? Doesn’t that feel good? Like this? So gentle, so slow. Let me—

  H: Listen, if you don’t stop I’m going to leave.

  S: Okay, okay, okay. I stepped back.

  H: She stepped back.
  S: It’s all yours. Enjoy the spring. I leave you to it. I slipped away. He thought me gone. He couldn’t see me and that was fine. I crouched like the naiads do, my knees on the leaves, waiting for my meat the way they wait. I opened my robe and felt the weight of my breasts in my hands. I peered between the leaves. He paced the lip of the spring.

  H: I paced the lip of the spring. I tried to calm down. She left. I was glad when she left.

  S: He paused, dipped his foot into the water, I could feel him feel it.

  H: I touched the water with my toes. I wanted to be in it.

  S: He wanted to be in it.

  H: I pulled off my shirt.

  S: He pulled off his shirt and folded it and placed it on a stump. A pimple on his right shoulder, raised and red. Young men, their oils.

  H: I felt the sun on my shoulders. I missed my mother.

  S: He bent and he undid his pants and he slipped out of them and I saw all of him.

  H: I took off my breeches.

  S: My teeth clenched to trap the moan.

  H: I dove in.

  S: He’s in! His whole naked self. Now was the time. I let my robe fall and dashed waterward and slipped in.

  H: There’s a rippling in the water.

  S: I swam quickly.

  H: What’s there?

  S: I wrapped myself around him.

  H: She’s wrapped herself around me. All at once all around me. I didn’t want it. Get away. I tried to get away.

  * * *

  S: He was everywhere against me, and he was trying to get away. I moaned to feel all his muscles tensed against me, fighting me off, trying to swim. I wrapped round tighter. Like this, just still, like this, I’m yours, be calm.

  H: She’s all around me and I felt sick. It’s too animal. I didn’t want to know. It’s as though she’s all tentacles, some massive octopus, some kraken pulling at me, tugging me in toward her, her legs knot themselves around my legs and she opens herself and is rubbing all over me. I don’t want this. STOP.

S: STOP, he said, and I held him tighter. I pressed myself into him. We both breathed heavily. I knew any second would come the surrender. I have to hang on a little longer, a little tighter. I’ve been here before. They always surrender. They always give in. Like this, like this. Just relax. You’re going to like it. I know you’ll really like it. Trust me, you can trust me. Relax, it’s all right. Just give it to me.

  H: No no no no no. Stop. STOP.

  S: I rubbed and rubbed myself on him and I was so close, I was so so close, and his arm was pressed against my breast and trying to push me off and I opened and tightened and all the muscles in my hips were tight and clenching and it was almost I can feel it almost there there there there oh god, I cried out, oh gods of Olympus please, let us be joined forever, please let us never be apart.

  H: What’s happening?

  S: Oh he’s in he’s in. I’m all around him.
 S: Oh he’s in he’s in. I’m all around him.

  H: She’s everywhere.

  S: He’s in. I’m in. He’s entered me I’ve entered him, the gods gave exactly what I’d wanted. We’re swimming in each other now.

  H: I’ve entered her. She’s entered me. Some strange combining.

  S: Entwining.

  H: And entwined.

  S: Our bodies joined in the deepest way.

  H: We’re one.

  S: We’re both.

  H: This changed home, two forms one body. A she becomes me. Becomes him. I a he become her.

  S: We fondle ourselves

  H: Our self

  S: Like this

  H: Wait I like that

  S: Just like this

  H: Touch me

  S: There

  H: Keep touching

  S: My beehive breasts. His waist-down manhood.

  H: We are both,

  S: Blurred and joined,

  H: And neither.


FINIS




lunes, 16 de octubre de 2023

Die Varusschlacht (ALS DIE RÖMER FRECH GEWORDEN...)

When the Romans got the mania,

Sim serim sim sim sim sim,

they marched up north to Germania,

Sim serim sim sim sim sim,

Riding in front, irreparable,

Tan taran tan tan tan tan,

Was their boldest general,

Tan taran tan tan tan tan,

Sir Quintilius Varus,

of course, of course, of course,

Sir Quintilius Varus,

Trallalala, trallalala, trallalala, lala lala!!!


This is a German folk song about the Battle of Teutoburg in the Imperial Roman era that goes on for quite a while. The Romans were less used to thick forest woods, swamp, and rain than to open fields and the sunny Mediterranean. As a result, the Roman legions were massacred except for the cavalry. The Romans had been betrayed by their guide, General Varus' adoptive son Arminius or Hermann, at the head of his tribe the Cheruski. Varus' horse got stuck in swamp mud. Varus was stabbed in the back by a centurion to avoid the dishonour of defeat, then beheaded by Hermann and his severed head was sent to Rome, to Augustus himself. According to the song, the victory of the Cheruski was celebrated with a great feast with lots of beer and ham. Both Hermann and his wife Thusnelda drank like Valkyries.

The song ends mentioning the nineteenth-century Hermannsdenkmal, a memorial that still stands in the Teutoburg Forest as a testament to the victorious Cheruski.



The Hermannsdenkmal 


Als die Römer frech geworden,

Sim serim sim sim sim sim,

Zogen sie nach Deutschlands Norden,

Sim serim sim sim sim sim,

Vorne mit Trompetenschall,

Te rä tä tä tä te rä,

Ritt der Generalfeldmarschall,

Te rä tä tä tä te rä,

Herr Quintilius Varus,


 Refrain!

Wau, wau, wau, wau, wau,

Herr Quintilius Varus,

Schnäde räng täng 

Schnäde räng täng, de räng täng täng!


In dem Teutoburger Walde,

Huh! Wie pfiff der Wind so kalte,

Raben folgen durch die Luft,

Und es war ein Moderduft,

Wie von Blut und Leichen,


Plötzlich aus des Waldes Duster

Brachen kampfhaft die Cherusker,

Mit Gott für Fürst und Vaterland

Stürtzen sie sich wutentbrannt

Auf die Legionen.


Weh, das ward ein großer Morden,

Sie erschlugen die Kohorten,

Nur die röm'sche Reiterei

Rettete sich noch ins Frei',

Denn sie war zu Pferde.


O Quintili, armer Feldherr,

Dachtest du, daß so die Welt wär'?

Er geriet in einen Sumpf,

Verlor zwei Stiefel und einen Strumpf

Und blieb elend stecken.


Da sprach er voll Ärgernussen

Zum Centurio Titiussen:

Kam'rad, zeuch dein Schwert hervor

Und von hinten mich durchbor,

Da doch alles futsch ist."


Als die Waldschlacht war zu Ende,

Rieb Fürst Hermann sich die Hände,

Und um seinen Sieg zu weih'n,

Lud er die Cherusker ein

Zu 'nem großen Frühstück.


Hu, da gab's westfäl'schen Schinken,

Bier, soviel man wollte trinken;

Auch im Zechen blieb er Held,

Doch auch seine Frau Thusneld

Trank walkürenmäßig.


Nur in Rom war man nicht heiter,

Sondern kaufte Trauerkleider;

G'rade als beim Mittagsmahl

Augustus saß im Kaisersaal,

Kam die Trauerbotschaft.


Und zu Ehren der Geschichten

Tat ein Denkmal man errichten,

Deutschlands Kraft und Einigkeit

Kündet es jetzt weit und breit:

"Mögen sie nur kommen!"

 

domingo, 15 de octubre de 2023

NOMBRES A UNO Y OTRO LADO DEL CHARCO

 Enrique y Beto

🍊🍋
La Rana René 🐸
Gatubela 🐈‍⬛
El Guasón 💚💜
Guepardo 🐺
Merlina Addams 🤵🏻‍♀️
El jefe Gorgory 👮 y su hijo Rafa Gorgory 🍩
Bob el Patiño 🌴
Nunca me acostumbraré a estos nombres del otro lado del charco...
Por si no los sabes, aquí están en castellano y en inglés:
Epi y Blas (Ernie and Bert) 🍊🍋
La Rana Gustavo (Kermit) 🐸
Catwoman 🐈‍⬛
Joker 💚💜
Lobezno (Wolverine) 🐺
Miércoles (Wednesday) Addams 🤵🏻‍♀️
El jefe Wiggum👮 y su hijo Ralph Wiggum 🍩
El Actor Secundario (Sideshow) Bob🌴

jueves, 5 de octubre de 2023

Festa som en grevinna till nyår!

 

Så här festar du som en grevinna

Tips inför nyårsfesten


Efter 40 år i tjänst för svensk tv har betjänten James fortfarande inte nyktrat till. I kväll är det dags att snubbla runt bordet igen. Men varför nöja sig med att titta?

Aftonbladet visar hur du skapar din egen ”Grevinnan och betjänten”-kväll.

INBJUDNINGAR

  • En (1) senildement, förmögen dam i åren kring 90 (Miss Sophie).
  • En (1) alkoholiserad uppassare (James).
  • Fyra (4) goda vänner av högre social rang som gäster, gärna döda sen 25 år tillbaka (Sir Toby, amiral von Schneider, Mr Pommery, Mr Winterbottom).

MENY

(Tidsangivelse i minuter för när rätten ska serveras)

  • Currysoppa, mulligatawny (01.30)
  • Kolja eller torsk (03.30)
  • Kycklinglår (06.00)
  • Fruktsallad (08.33)

DRYCK

(Tidsangivelse i minuter för när gästerna ska skåla)

  • Ett glas sherry (02.37)
  • Ett glas vitt Rhenvin (04.44)
  • Champagne, klunka valfritt (07.05)
  • Portvin, klunka valfritt (09.40)

PARTYTRICK

(Att utföras under middagen)

  • Snubbla på en medhavd tigerfäll exakt elva gånger (enligt lagen om utmattningshumor blir det lite roligare för varje gång).
  • Vält en stol medan någon fortfarande sitter i den.
  • Drick ur en blomvas.
  • Halsa direkt ur flaskan.
  • Spela på folks rasistiska uppfattning om tyskar som ett krigiskt folk genom att ständigt slå ihop klackarna och prata med brutal accent när du imiterar amiral von Schneider.
  • Använd skumpan som rakvatten.
  • Sluddra och upprepa dig mycket.
  • Avrunda kvällen med en sexuell anspelning mot den 90-åriga kvinnan.

MILKY WAY SONG - ANALYSIS


(Annotated by S. C. Smith)

Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown, 

and things seem hard or tough, 

and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft

and you feel that you've had quite enough...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour

Speed of revolution should actually be measured in terms of angular velocity, since the actual speed varies for different points on the Earth. The angular velocity of the Earth's revolution is 1 rotation per day. The radius of the Earth, $R\approx 6378 \mbox{km}\approx 3827 \mbox{mi}$. The circumference of the Earth is thus $2\pi R\approx 40054\mbox{km}\approx 24032\mbox{mi}$. A point on the equator therefore travels a distance of about 24,000 mi in 24 hr (1 day) is thus traveling at a speed of  1000 mi/hr. Speeds are lower at other locations, and a point on the poles has a speed of 0 mi/hr.
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second,
So it's reckoned
The orbit of the Earth has a radius of $\sim 1.5\times 10^{11}\mbox{m}\approx 9.3\times 10^7\mbox{mi}$, which is defined to be 1 astronomical unit (AU). The Earth thus travels a distance of $2\pi R \approx 5.84\times 10^8\mbox{mi}$ in $3.16\times 10^7\mbox{sec}$ (1 year) at an average speed of  18.5 mi/sec.
A sun that is the source of all our power

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way

In fact, the speed is closer to 3 times that number, if you count only the rotational motion of the galaxy, and approximately 20 times that number if you count the motion of our galaxy with repect to the cosmic background radiation of the universe.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars
It's 100,000 light years side to side

A light year is the distance light travels in one year. $1 \mbox{ ly}\approx 9.46\times 10^{15}\mbox{m}\approx 5.9\times 10^{12}\mbox{mi}$.
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light years thick
But out by us it's just 3,000 light years wide

We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point

While this number is somewhat uncertain, ranging from 23000 ly to 32000 ly, the currently accepted value is approximately 28000 ly.
We go round every two hundred million years
Current estimates put the length of the galactic year at 225 million years.
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

The universe is known to be expanding because all distant galaxies are seen to be receding from us, with a velocity proportional to the distance from us.
In all of the directions it can whiz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know
The observable universe expands at the speed of light. The actual physical universe may expand at some other velocity.
12 million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is
The speed of light is $\sim2.99\times 10^8\mbox{m/s}\approx186,000 \mbox{mi/s}\approx 11.2 \mbox{million mi/min}$. According to known physical laws, it is impossible for anything to travel faster than the speed of light (relative to local space).

So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there's bugger all down here on Earth


 Eric Idle, Monty Python player extraordinaire, wrote the Galaxy Song for the movie The Meaning of Life. I was quite curious to see how it has withstood 20 years of astronomical leaps in our understanding of the universe. My references can be found at http://www.softwarerepair.com/astro/ReferencesforGalaxySong.htm.

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
While still controversial in some areas, evolution seems pretty well established.

And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
The speed of the earth's revolution is once per day (duh) but at the equator the circumference of the earth is 25,000 miles so that makes the speed just over 1,000 miles per hour. However, by the time you get as far north as the UK (Eric Idle's country) the speed is actually less than 700 miles per hour. The 900 figure might be good enough for our purposes.

That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
The earth orbits the sun at 29km/second and there is roughly a 3:2 ratio between kilometers and miles so 19 miles per second is pretty close.

A sun that is the source of all our power.
This may be a bit of hyperbole. The sun is responsible for all wind and solar power and because our weather depends on the sun we would include hydroelectric power as well. Oil and coal formed as a result of sun-driven processes on earth so that's okay. But this particular sun did not create uranium so it could be argued that it doesn't supply all of our power. IMHO.

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day

The sun (and therefore the earth and at least all the stars that you can see with the naked eye) are moving through the galaxy at 225km/sec. This comes out to more than 6 million miles per day.

In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
We are indeed in an outer spiral arm of the galaxy. If we were moving at a million miles per day that would come out to 40,000 miles an hour. If the number is closer to 6 million miles per day that makes it close to 250,000 MPH.

Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.

While there have been some estimates that are a bit higher than 100 billion stars, this is still a pretty good estimate.

It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
Give or take 20,000 light years, this is close to the current estimate.

It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
Estimates vary quite a bit but 10-30 thousand light years is at least one estimate for the middle of the galaxy

But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
And in the outer arms it is anywhere from 1 to 10 thousand light years wide.

We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
A very good estimate.

We go 'round every two hundred million years,
Rounding down to the nearest hundred million, this will do nicely.

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
Millions of billions would be quite a lot. Some estimates are in excess of 1 trillion galaxies but that's only thousands of billions. But we aren't done counting yet.

In this amazing and expanding universe.
And probably expanding at a faster rate than before.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz

We have pretty solid proof of that these days

As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
But matter cannot generally move at the speed of light so the speed of the expansion is somewhat less. On the other hand, there was a time in the early universe where it seems it did expand at a speed greater than the speed of light.

Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
The speed of light is about 186,000 miles per second or just a bit shy of 12 million miles a minute. There are claims for things that can go faster but it is still speculation.

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,

The human genome project has found 30,000 genes. It would take only 33 genes to make every living person unique.

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
Hence my membership in Team SETI.

'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
An unassailable truth.