MUCH ADO ABOUT FEATHERS

MUCH ADO ABOUT FEATHERS
A Theatrical Version of a Tale by H.C. Andersen http://visitandersen.dk/det-er-ganske-vist/
Retold by Sandra Dermark - Translated directly from the Danish


SCENE 1

(Chicken coop on a farm, on an autumn sunset. Hens of several colours and sizes, fluffy adorable chicks, the old rooster napping on a rafter in a corner.)

RANDOM BLONDE HEN #1:
Such a dreadful story!

NARRATOR:
...said a random hen in the chicken coop of a farm on that edge of the village where the events had not occurred.

RANDOM BLONDE HEN #1:
Such a dreadful event from that coop across the village! I could not sleep last night, and most surely I won't tonight either! Lucky us to have each other in this coop for company! Cluck cluck cluck cluck... (chitchat rendered as clucks)

NARRATOR (unison with RANDOM BLONDE HEN #1):
And that blonde hen began to tell such a tale that the plumage of all the hens stood on end, the chicks hid beneath their mothers' wings, and even the rooster woke up and hung down his comb and wattles.
(As the Narrator explains this, all the chickens react according to her instructions.)

RANDOM BLONDE HEN #1:
Much ado about feathers!

NARRATOR:
But what did she mean by those words? To find out, we should flash back about twenty-four hours, to another chicken coop on another farm across the same village.

(Rewind effect across that day and the night until next evening, as the camera pans over the rural village -farms, the church and a pair of shops, more farms-, and zooms in, at the end of the rewind sequence, on the chicken coop of that farm across the community, at sunset.)


SCENE 2

(The chicken coop to which the flashback brought us. Is exactly like the one before in Scene 1, but with a far younger bantam rooster and many fewer chicks. All the hens are napping in their nests.)

NARRATOR:
Down went the sun and up went the hens. (All the hens awake with the evening twilight.) And white-feathered Henrietta, as pure as the driven snow, rose from her nest of regulation eggs.

HENRIETTA:
Here goes the sun, cluck cluck cluck cluck... here goes the sun... it's all right...

NARRATOR:
She was a pretty respectable, decent young hen. As soon as she awoke, she began to preen herself with her little coral beak. (Henrietta is preening.)

HENRIETTA (surprised, suddenly stops preening):
There fell a little feather from my back! The more I do preen myself, the better I do look, right?

NARRATOR:
Now this was said as a lark, for, in spite of her decency and respectability, she was a life-of-the-party and chatty cathy kind of hen.

(The last of the reddish sunlight fades and it darkens in the coop.)

NARRATOR:
Night fell and the hens slept side by side in their respective nests or perches.
(They are all asleep as the narrator explains this.) But the ginger one who slept next to Henrietta couldn't even catch a single wink.

GOSSIPY GINGER HEN (to herself):
I cannot stay this quiet... no no no, ma'am. Not at all. Can't take it anymore. It would all be better if I shared the little secret and took it off my chest...

GOSSIPY BLONDE HEN:
What is it, Ginger?

GOSSIPY GINGER HEN:
Y'know, friend, haven't you heard the buzz on this evening? I won't say any proper names, but there is a certain young hen in this very coop who wants to pluck herself stark naked! You heard right! Like a broiler ready for the oven! If I were a rooster, I would give her the axe...

GOSSIPY BLONDE HEN:
And so would I, Ginger...

NARRATOR:
Yet above the chicken coop, in the farmhouse attic, sat a mother owl with her mate and their owlets.

MRS. OWL (offscreen, from the skylight window through which five or six pairs of amber eyes glow in the dark):
Shoo-whoo!

NARRATOR:
Now pretty sharp hearing in those ear-tufts they have got. So both parents had heard each and every word that the gossipy hens had breathed, or rather clucked...
 

SCENE 3

(Inside the attic. Old wooden toys and Christmas ornaments pell-mell on the floor. On the rafters perch Mr. and Mrs. Owl, she's the bigger one towering two owl-heads above her mate, with their three or four drowsy, fluffy owlets.)

MRS. OWL (flapping her wings):
Oh mort bleue! Est-ce que tu as écouté, mon cher? I have just heard it with my own ear-tufts, not long ago, myself! And there's still lots of things to hear until they moult... So one of the hens in this coop below has completely forgotten all of her decorum!

MR. OWL:
Oh, really?

MRS. OWL:
Oui, mon cher; she plucked all the feathers off her skin and showed off her new looks for the young bantam rooster! Mort bleue, what a flasher...

MR. OWL:
Prenez garde aux enfants! The owlets are still wide awake and this account is parents only! Even owlets have small ear-tufts...

AN OWLET (drowsy):
What is this, Papa?

MRS. OWL (stroking the owlet, to reassure her little one):
Rien de rien, my little ball of fluff.

THAT OWLET:
The stars are already fading... Goodday, Maman. Goodday, Papa. (She falls asleep.)

MRS. OWL:
Nevertheless, every owl-lady in the shire needs to know of this scandal. I will be back before sunrise, darling! (She flaps her wings and heads for the skylight window): Shoo-whoo!

NARRATOR:
And thus, she flew out the window to spread the news further.
(Mrs. Owl flies out the window, over the dovecote of next farm and a patch of tall grass where a skylark is nestling; only Mercury and Venus remain as "morning stars" in the night sky.)

MRS. OWL:
Shoo-whoo! This hen... plucked all her feathers off... to impress the rooster of her coop! Anyone with a modicum of decorum would give a hoot about the subject...


SCENE 4

(As the dawn creeps up the rosy skies, the Skylark awakes and flaps her wings, flying over the dovecote)

SKYLARK:
Haven't you heard?
Straight from beak of bird!
There is a hen,
won't tell it again,
who plucked herself nude --
could she be more lewd?
In order to catch the cockerel's eye!
When winter comes soon, she'll freeze stiff and...
cold!
Haven't you heard?
Straight from the beak
of one who's heard of the li'l wench streak!

NARRATOR:
The song of the skylark trickled down over the eaves of the dovecote, where the pigeons had just awakened to this scandalous alarm call.
(The camera pans inside the dovecote to look at the pigeons opening their eyes and flapping their wings.)

SPOT THE PIGEON (out the window):
Wherrrre? Wherrrrre?

SKYLARK:
On the Coopers' farm,
to cause such alarm!
Near, right up the hillage,
still outside the village!

SPOT THE PIGEON:
Believe it or not!

STOP THE PIGEON:
It's a true account!

PIDGEY:
We should tell the chickens on our own farm, shan't we? (She flies out the window and downwards.)


SCENE 5
(It is now in the middle of the day, and Pidgey has alighted on the coop floor, surrounded by all the curious chickens.)

PIDGEY:
So therrre's this hen... these two hens, on that farrrrm up the hill. The two of 'em want to imprrrress the young rrrroosterrrr... their rrrivalrrry grrrows, they pass from bickerrrring to beaks and from spurrrrning to spurrrs, and in the end when the dust had settled, both little hens had plucked one anotherrr starrrrk naked! All that jazz to catch the attention of theirrrr suitorrrr! So both of 'em wenches got cold that evening, came down with the avian flu and a drrrreadful feverrrr... and now both of 'em arrre dead as dodos, the two of 'em! There's no chance the people will eat them like that, right?

THE OLD ROOSTER:
Wake up, all of you-u-u-uu-uuu!!!

NARRATOR:
He was still a little drowsy in the eyes, but his crowing duty came first.

THE OLD ROOSTER'S FAVOURITE (A YOUNG BLACK MINORCA):
What is it, darling?

THE OLD ROOSTER (crowing himself hoarse):
There are breaking new-ew-ew-ews!!! Three young hens from the Coopers' coop have just perished due to unrequited love!! They had plucked one another nu-u-u-u-ude!! And caught the avian fl-u-u-u-u!! For the interest of your hens and pullets, spread further these scandalous new-ew-ew-ews!!! So much crowing has made me thirsty indeed; I sorely need some water...

THE OLD ROOSTER'S FAVOURITE:
Let this be a cautionary tale!

A RANDOM GINGER HEN:
Would you believe it?

ANOTHER BLACK MINORCA:
I wouldn't do that for all the corn on this green Earth!

(The coop fills with the loud clucks of a dozen gossipy hens at unison.)

NARRATOR:
And thus, the whole coop was filled with the loud clucks of a dozen gossipy hens at unison. Now in the attic of that farm, the bats were napping upside down in their rafter perches.


SCENE 6

(Inside the attic. Old wooden toys and Christmas ornaments pell-mell on the floor. On the rafters perch Bruce and Barbara, two young bats, and Alfred, an older bat, all three of them upside-down. Evening has fallen; the last sun-rays of twilight dye the whole attic burgundy.)