"HOW MUCH WAS THIS ONE?"

In several of my universes, a Siglo-de-Oro-style dark group painting plays a lead role: "How Much Was This One?" At both installments of the Maison de l'Étrange (both the Darkness and Ayakashi Editions), as well as Hanged Men's Seed (El semen de los ahorcados), it hangs at the Gillenormands', for instance (though concealed behind a curtain or in a garret or a forgotten turret, as taboo for Marius). Though in Hanged Men's Seed it's donated by Luc Gillenormand to Hogwarts, as payment for surveillance on Marius, and hangs in the Slytherin common room --that of the Pontmercy boy's enemies/rivals!--, fascinating both 'Parnasse and 'Ponine, but making Enj feel uneasy. The painting itself is a gory tavern scene depicting visually, in a Siglo de Oro style, this scene from a subplot or vignette (like the flowers' dreams in The Snow Queen) in a Victorian fairytale by the Mayhew brothers:

Then the scene was changed once more, and men sat drinking in a tavern. As they laughed and joked, the door was flung suddenly back, and the huntsman entered, with the bloodhounds whining and jumping up about him. Advancing to the table where the drinkers sat, the huntsman dashed down among the wine-cups the bleeding head of the runaway, and demanded of one of the revellers the price that he had set upon it.

THE FELL BLACK TANGO (JUDGES EDITION)

THE FELL BLACK TANGO (JUDGES EDITION)

Because the Book of Judges and the Cell Block Tango go together like berries and white chocolate. Delicious. The bunny for this filk I had during this Easter Week/Holy Week, but, due to complications (AKA laptop at home temporarily screwed up), I have delayed its release a tad. Again, this is scarring, so, if you are high-strung, dear reader, please down a whole packet of Xanax before perusing this filk...
Oh, the random common woman who nearly killed Abimelech... she remains nameless throughout tradition. I assumed she was a miller's wife 'cause that would give her a reason for being in possession of a millstone. And Ada... Jephthah's daughter is called Ada in some traditions, such as Freemasonry. Again, there is a child being killed by a birth parent of hers in here... If you find it disturbing, please double or triple your Xanax dose, dear reader, or skip to a more harmless filk: there are oodles on this blog.


[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[ANGEL OF THE LORD]
And now, the six merry murderers of the Book of Judges
in their rendition of... the Fell Black Tango...

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!

ALL SIX:

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they only had themselves to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

EHUD:

You know how people have these little habits that get you down.

Like Eglon.

Eglon just loved having taxes paid.

No, not paid. Extorted!

So this one day, I arrive at court to pay the tribute,

and I'm really irritated,

and I've come up with a clever plan to end this reign of terror...

And there's Eglon, plump as a butterball, lounging on his throne and eager for the tribute to be paid.

No, not paid. Extorted!

So I said to him: "Your Grace, you demand that many gifts one more time..."

And he did.

So I put my left hand to my right thigh,

and I thrust my cubit-long two-edged sword

INTO HIS HEFT.

He had it coming,

he had it coming,

he only had himself to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

GIDEON:

I heard the voice of the LORD

on the family farm about two weeks ago.

And he told me to gather an army,

and we recruited a sizeable host right away.

So, the LORD told me we should be fewer strong!

I sent away those who got cold feet,

then took those who were left to the stream to drink,

we were ten thousand strong...

and then I found out...

Recruit those who drink from their cupped hands,

raising their heads!

Not everyone drank this watchfully,

oh no.

We were dwindled to three hundred.

One of those minorities, you know.

So, that night, when the Midianites were celebrating their victory,

they were surprised by something unusual.

You know, some guys just can't stand shattered crockery!

They had it coming,

they had it coming,

those raiders should have gone elsewhere...

because we shattered

and war-cries smattered,

and thus, we gave them their lifetimes' scare!!

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

MILLER'S WIFE:

Now I'm standing in this fortress tower,

having fled the open countryside for safety's sake,

hoping for my life to be spared...

On storms that warlord Abimelech towards the gates!

"If you don't surrender, we burn this bloody tower down!"

So he says. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming:

"If you don't surrender, we burn this bloody tower down!"

And then he ran into my millstone.

And then his lieutenant put him out of his misery.

[ALL SIX]

If you had been there,

if you had seen it,

I bet my life you'd have done the same!

ADA:

What am I doing here?

I heard my father was coming home from the war front,

so out I rushed, playing my favourite tambourine, to welcome him...

But one thing is true. I am innocent.

I don't know why Dad tied me up and put me on the altar.

I tried to ask him the reason why, but he would not answer...

YAEL:

Yeah, but did you do it?

ADA:

Uh-uh! Not... guilty!!!

YAEL:

The prophetess Deborah and the warlord Barack had this military campaign,

and I wound up becoming the key player in their strategy.

Now, during the decisive battle of the Kishon, 

the Canaanites got to know all of these factors of defeat in a row:

one, two, three, four, five,

thunderstorm, downpour, surging streams, our swords,

one right after the other.

So this one evening, after the battle,

into our campsite staggers General Sisera,

the enemy leader, the sole survivor, weary and thirsty...

So... I welcomed him in,

and I gave him a drink of buttermilk from our finest bowl...

I turn back, push the curtains aside...

and there's Deborah and Barack at the head of their army,

asking for Sisera!

Well, I was in such a state of shock...

I completely blacked out.

I don't remember a thing.

It wasn't until then, when my right hand dropped the hammer,

and my left hand dropped the tent-peg,

and I was wiping the blood off my hands,

I even knew he was dead.

He had it coming,

he had it coming,

he had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it,

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

He had it coming,

he had it coming,

he only had himself to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

SAMSON:

I loved Delilah, this bitch, more than I can possibly say.

She was a really attractive girl... sultry... seductive...

But she was always trying to find out my secret.

She would, like, never stop in trying to find out my secret...

and, on the way, she plied me with drink,

coaxed the secret out of me,

cut off all my hair as I was unconscious,

and handed me over to the Philistines.

I guess you can say we broke up because of irreconcilable differences.

I set her on a pedestal...

and she set me up.

[ALL SIX]

The dirty slut, slut, slut, slut, slut...

The dirty slut, slut, slut, slut, slut...

ALL SIX:

They had it coming,

they had it coming,

they had it coming all along...

I didn't do it,

but if I'd done it,

how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming, 

they had it coming, 

they only had themselves to blame...

And if you'd been there,

and if you'd seen it,

I bet my life you'd had done the same!

EHUD:

"Your Grace, you demand that many gifts one more time..."

GIDEON:

Recruit those who drink from their cupped hands, raising their heads!

MILLER'S WIFE:

He ran into my millstone. Then his lieutenant put him out of his misery.

ADA:

I just wanted to welcome Dad home from the wars...

YAEL:

At the head of their army, asking for Sisera!

SAMSON:

Irreconcilable differences.

[EHUD]

Plump!

[GIDEON]

300!

[MILLER'S WIFE]

Squash!

[ADA]

Uh-uh!

[YAEL]

Sisera!

[SAMSON]

This bitch!

A SACRIFICE OF ICE AND FIRE

And here's this year's Valentine's gift!! A Westerosi gallery of tragedies worth the pain.


This is the Alice of Human Sacrifice Westeros filk (War of the Usurper/Robert's Rebellion-era) I had been promising you for ages.


Ships/pairings: Lyaegar, Lannincest.
Warning: Pretty graphic story (especially the Elia part). Discretion is advised.

Once upon a time, in a certain place, there was a little dream.
No one knew who had dreamt that dream, and no one cared at all.
This made the little dream think:
I do not want to disappear. How can I make people dream of me?
And thus, the dream thought and thought, and at last had an idea:
"I will make people come to me, leading them astray,
and let them create worlds of their own..."


A SACRIFICE OF ICE AND FIRE

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Story the First: The Lost Swordswoman

The first Alice was a maiden righteous, bold, and free,
clasping in her left hand the hilt of a trusty sword.
She cut down the unfair and set right everything gone wrong,
wayward was her scarlet path, far from wedding a lord.

This Alice got lost somewhere far away,
disappeared, a fallen woman, into sin thus lead astray...
They found her bereft of life, within the Tower of Joy...
She lay in blood and wilted roses, with her newborn boy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story the Second: The Star-Crossed Prince

The second Alice was a clever prince, so frail and shy,
strumming the strings of his heart and harp to many a song...
Singing and imagining that prophecies were true,
he created an insane world where nothing was wrong.

This Alice loved and picked a winter rose so blue...
he was slain by the stormlord for having made his bride untrue...
Crushed his breastplate and his chest, the lungs and heart within...
Once beloved, now he's hated, due to his last sin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story the Third: The Broken Princess

The third Alice was sweet, with skin warm and dark as gold,
the friendliest, loveliest one born on the coast of Dorne...
She wedded the poet prince and dwelled within his court,
giving him two children; when he left, she felt no scorn.

This Alice was the princess of all the land...
She suffered a gruesome fate at a traitor's harsh command...
As she struggles for her life, she sees her children die...
then, her maidenhead once lost, she yields with one last sigh.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story the Fourth: The Wilful Twins

Following the woodland paths no one's trod before...
Crossing at the ford that still runs scarlet with gore...
Though you have been invited to the Royal Keep...
In my heart you will always dwell...

The fourth Alice were twins with green eyes and golden hair,
so wilful and curious, like any other child...
crossing many thresholds as their lives go on and on...
yet now they're no children and life is no longer mild.

The older sister's headstrong... and...
the younger brother's insecure...
They think they are the closest to their wonderland, for sure...
From their wildest dreaming they will never, e'er awake,
trapped forever in the lives they lead for their hearts' sake...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who will be the next Alice?

THE SHELL SHOCK TANGO

This filk sprung from an idea I had tonight of doing a Cell Block Tango with the ladies of The Big Four expanded fandom. It's all for the sake of the characters and the things that happen in the films.

The title comes from the fact that they're all traumatized by the offences they have commited. It's a fine pun with the original title, don't you think?

The following filk contains violence (you ought to watch this with discretion), a crackship or two (maybe even more!), and gratuitous German.

Readers beware!

THE SHELL SHOCK TANGO
Dedicated to everyone at class

[Toothiana]

Freeze!

[Calhoun]

Six!

[Astrid]

Thrust!

[Rapunzel]

Uh-uh!

[Elsa]

Weselton!

[Mavis] 

Once-ler!

[Toothiana]

Freeze!

[Calhoun]

Six!

[Astrid]

Thrust!

[Rapunzel]

Uh-uh!

[Elsa]

Weselton!

[Mavis] 

Once-ler!

[Captain of the Corona Royal Guard]
And now, the Six Merry Murderesses of Corona State Prison
in their rendition of the Shell Shock Tango!

[Toothiana]

Freeze!

[Calhoun]

Six!

[Astrid]

Thrust!

[Rapunzel]

Uh-uh!

[Elsa]

Weselton!

[Mavis] 

Once-ler!

[Toothiana]

Freeze!

[Calhoun]

Six!

[Astrid]

Thrust!

[Rapunzel]

Uh-uh!

[Elsa]

Weselton!

[Mavis] 

Once-ler!

[All]
They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Toothiana]
You know how people have these little habits that get you down.
Like... Jack Frost.
Jack loved to freeze things.
No, not frost. FREEZE.
So I come to headquarters this one day, and I'm really irritated,
and I'm looking for a little more sympathy.
And there's Jack Frost, lying on a couch, freezing the glass he's drinking from.
No, not frosting. FREEZING.
So, I said to him:
"Jack, you freeze something one more time..."
And he did.
So I summoned two Baby Teeth, and I fired them as a warning
INTO HIS EYES.

He had it coming,
he had it coming, 
he only had himself to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Calhoun]
I met Honey Lemon at San Fransokyo University, about two years ago.
And she told me she was single.
And we hit it off right away. 
So, we started living together.
She'd go to her research, she'd come home, I'd fix her a drink, we'd have supper...
And then I found out.
"Single", she told me...
Single my arse!
She had six significant others.
One of those sentai, you know.
So that night, when she came home from her research, I fixed her a drink, as usual.
You know, some scientists just can't hold their iocaine!

She had it coming, 
she had it coming, 
she took a hot shot in her prime,
and then she used her, 
and she abused her...
It was a murder, but not a crime!

[Astrid]
Now, I'm standing in the stables,
checking out our dragons before training, 
minding my own business,
and in storms my rival Snoutlout in a jealous rage!
"You've been screwing Hiccup!", he says.
He was berserk, and he kept on screaming:
"You've been screwing Hiccup!"
And then, he ran into my battle axe.
He ran into my axe ten times.

If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Rapunzel]
Aber warum bin ich eigentlich hier?
Die Leute sagen, dass ich meinen Geliebten in einer Falle lockte
und dass ich ihm in den Rücken gestossen habe.
Das ist nicht wahr! Ich bin unschuldig!
Ich weiss nicht warum Frau Gothel sagt, dass ich es getan habe.
Ich versuchte dem Königspaar alles zu erklären.
Aber sie haben es nicht verstanden.
[Astrid]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh! Not guilty!

[Elsa]
My sister Anna and I had this double act,
and my fiancé Hans travelled around with us.
Now, for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row:
one, two, three, four, five,
somersaults, triple flips, back flips, flip flops, 
one right after the other.
So this one night before the show, 
we're down at the Hotel Weselton.
The three of us, quaffing and laughing together...
And we ran out of ice.
So I go out to get some.
I take off my gloves, I concentrate...
Let it go! Let it go!
The cold never bothered me anyway!
I come back, open the door...
And there's Anna and Hans, doing Number Seventeen:
Love is an Open Door!
Well, I was in such a state of shock...
I completely blacked out. 
I don't remember a thing.
Absolute zero.
It wasn't until later,
when I was putting on my gloves to conceal the blood on my hands,
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming

they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

[Mavis]
I loved the Once-ler more than I can probably say.
He was a really artistic guy... sensitive... a musician.
But he was always trying to find himself.
He'd go out every night looking for himself,
and on the way...
he found Merida, Ruffnut, Tara... and Jamie.
I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him DEAD.

[All]

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

They had it coming

they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Toothiana]

You freeze something one more time...

[Calhoun]

Single my arse!

[Astrid]

He ran into my axe ten times.

[Rapunzel]

Warum wurde ich eingelocht?

[Elsa]

Number Seventeen: Love is an Open Door!

[Mavis] 

Artistic differences.

[Toothiana]

Freeze!

[Calhoun]

Six!

[Astrid]

Thrust!

[Rapunzel]

Uh-uh!

[Elsa]

Weselton!

[Mavis] 

Once-ler!

[Toothiana]

Freeze!

[Calhoun]

Six!

[Astrid]

Thrust!

[Rapunzel]

Uh-uh!

[Elsa]

Weselton!

[Mavis] 

Once-ler!

Annotations:

• 0: Six is an intertextual shout-out to new film Big Hero 6, from which Honey Lemon comes. Weselton is for the Dukedom of Weselton in Frozen. Corona is Rapunzel's, Flynn's, and Gothel's homeland.
• 1: A Baby Tooth is one of Toothiana's hummingbird-sized mini fairy servants.
• 2: Calhoun/Honey sounds like a crack pairing, yet, as foils to each other, they may have a good start.
• A sentai (Japanese for "regiment") is a team of colour-coded superheroes, like the Pretty Cures, Sailor Senshi, or Power Rangers. Honey Lemon is the Smart Gal of the titular sentai in Big Hero 6. And yes, a seventh member joins them in the end.
• Iocaine is a poison, in the form of powder, which kills the drinker like lightning, featured in the classic fantasy The Princess Bride. There is some irony here, because Honey Lemon is a Chemistry student.
• 3: Astrid's weapon of choice is a battle axe.
• A berserk is a Viking warrior in drug-induced rage. Snoutlout, anyone?
• 4: Translating Rapunzel's German-language rant: 

"But why am I actually here?
People say that I tricked my lover into a trap,
and that I stabbed him in the back.
That is not true! I'm innocent!
I don't know why Frau Gothel says I did it.
I've tried to explain it to the royals,
but they didn't understand!"

• 5: Elsa would have no problem in fixing more ice with her powers.
• "Love is an Open Door" is the title of Hans and Anna's love duet in Frozen, during which they romance each other.
• Absolute zero: the lowest temperature that can be attained, 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.5 degrees Celsius. A nice self-referential pun with Elsa's ice powers.
• 6: The MavisxOnce-ler crossover ship, or Mavler, is rather popular, and I ship them sometimes (when I don't make Oncie gay)
• The Once-ler is a sensitive guy to the core, and he enjoys singing and playing the guitar.
• Oncie's alleged lovers: Merida from Brave (obviously), Ruffnut from How to Train your Dragon (the female of the fraternal twins), Tara the Leaf Queen from Epic (a more dignified and mature, older lover)... and Jamie the muggle boy from Rise of the Guardians. I usually make Oncie gay or bi, and this filk is a perfect example.
• Coda: Rapunzel's German needs translation once more: "Why have I been imprisoned?"