SHAKESPEAREAN JOKES

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
The cause, my soul.
The cause, my soul who?
Let me not name it to you!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Desdemona.
Desdemona who?
Nobody.  I myself.  Farewell.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Chorus.
Interrupting . . .
O FOR A MUSE OF FIRE!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Richard the Third.
Interrupting Richard the . . .
A HORSE!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Wherefore means.
Wherefore means who?
No, “wherefore” means “why.” How many times do we have to go over this?

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Nay, answer me!  Stand and unfold yourself.
Long live the king?

Who’s there?
Tom R. O.
Tom R. O. who?
Tom R. O. and Tom R. O. and Tom R. O.  We creep in this petty pace from day to day.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Hal.
Hal who?
Hal long until Henry IV dies and I can become king?

How many Henry VIs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to do it in three parts.

How many Ophelias does it take to change a light bulb?
STOP! You wouldn’t let someone that wet near electricity, would you?

How many Macbeths does it take to change a light bulb?
I wouldn’t know. Every time he sees a working light bulb, he yells, “Out, out, brief candle!” and smashes it to bits.

How many Othellos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—after he puts out the light, he puts out the light!

No, really. How many Othellos does it take to change a light bulb?
Wait a minute—this bulb has been changed a thousand times in secret! O that I had nothing known!

How many King Lears does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb needs to convince him that it LOVES to be changed.

How many Hamlets does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes him a really long time to make up his mind, and he only eventually changes it after Claudius pushes his mum down the cellar stairs.

Or, how many members of the Danish Royal Court does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all kill each other and then Horatio changes it while drawing his breath in pain.

How many Muses of Fire does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it will also ascend the brightest heaven of invention if you ask it nicely.

How many Benedicks does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you have to convince him that the light bulb wants to be changed. And then you have to convince the light bulb that it wants to be changed by Benedick.

How many Rude Mechanicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, you figure you need somebody to hold the ladder, somebody to get up and change the actual bulb, somebody downstairs at the fusebox, somebody to run to the store to get bulbs in the first place…. So, one. Nick Bottom. He’ll play all the roles.

DRUNKEN CAPTAIN TIME

In this post of the Drunken Messenger Cycle, I will offer you the version in Basile's "Handless Penta", which features a ship captain in lieu of the usual messenger. You know what happens next:

GERMAN VERSION:
Kaum hatte die schändliche Nuccia dies vernommen, so lud sie den Patron zu einem Glas Wein ein, machte ihn bis über die Ohren betrunken und zog ihm dann den Brief aus der Tasche. 

Als dieser Brief geschrieben und gesiegelt war, steckte sie ihn dem Patron in die Tasche, und da dieser beim Erwachen das Wetter wieder günstig sah, befahl er, die Segel hurtig ins Kreuz zu brassen, um vollen Wind zu bekommen, und langte so in kurzem bei dem Könige an, dem er das Schreiben unverzüglich einhändigte. 

Hierauf fuhr der Bote wieder ab und gelangte am dritten Tage wiederum an die Küste, wo Nuccia wohnte, die ihn auf das freundlichste empfing und ihm auch, wie das vorige Mal, tüchtig zu schlucken vorsetzte, so daß er seinen ganzen Verstand im Glase verlor und zuletzt wie tot in einen tiefen Schlaf versank, worauf Nuccia ihm wiederum die Taschen untersuchte und auch richtig den Brief fand. 

Sobald der Schiffspatron den Rausch ausgeschlafen hatte, fuhr er ab.