THE FELL BACK TANGO - MY SHAKESPEARE FILK

I wanted to do a Shakespeare rendition of the Cell Block Tango, et voilà!
This is my contribution to the world of Cell Block Tango filks.
You can stage it, if you're pleased.

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[VERGES]
And now, the Six Merry Murderers of Shakespeare County Jail
in their rendition of the Fell Back Tango!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

They had it coming, 
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[LADY M.]
You know how people have these little habits that get you down.
Like Duncan.
He was a worthless royal.
Stayed at court, and let his generals fight for him on the battlefield.
He was SCARED.
So my husband and I are invited to court one day,
and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a way to take this crown...
And there's Duncan,
lying in bed, clutching his pillow... and I get scared!
No, not just doubtful... SCARED!
So I said to my husband,
"You'd kill the King now in bed?" He said yes.
So he pulled this dagger from its scabbard,
and he thrust the cold steel twice
into his heart.

He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He only had himself to blame!
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet you would have done the same!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[GONERIL]
I have known my twin sister Regan
from as long as I remember.
And we had called our old man out,
and he went packing right away!
So, we started conspiring together!
We'd visit each other, I'd had a drink poured for her, we'd have supper...
And then, I found out...
"Edmund...", she told me.
Edmund... Good Lord!
Not only was she betrothed,
oh no!
but she loved the one I loved as well.
One of those crushes, you know.
So that evening, when she came home with the one we'd fight for,
I fixed her a drink, as usual.
You know, some princesses just can't hold their foxglove cuppa...

She had it coming!
She had it coming!
She took a flower in its prime,
and then she used it,
and she abused it,
it was a murder, not a crime!

[TYBALT]
Now I'm standing before the mansion,
standing guard should some Montagues come,
minding my own business.
And in storm Romeo and Mercutio,
as obnoxious as ever.
"If Romeo doesn't fight 'em, I will!", Mercutio said.
He was crazy, and he kept on screaming:
"If Romeo doesn't fight 'em, I will!"
"En garde!"
And then he ran into my rapier.
He ran into my rapier ten times.

If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet you would have done the same!

[LOUIS]
Qu'est-ce que je fais ici?
On dit que le roi des Anglais nous a déclaré la guerre
en réponse au cadeau de balles de paume qu'il a réçu.
Mais ce n'est pas vrai. Je suis innocent.
Je ne sais pas pourquoi ce cadeau a déclenché cette guerre.
Nous avons eu trop de balles de paume!
Alors, j'ai eu l'idée d'envoyer ces balles à Henri Cinq.
[LADY M.]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh! Not guilty!

[OTHELLO]
My Lieutenant Cassio and I had these military affairs,
and my wife Desdemona got along with both of us.
Now, having recently won the war, my aide Iago told me all of their secrets in a row:
one, two, three, four, five,
embraces, caresses, tickles, kisses,
one right after the other.
Now this one night, we were in the residence, the four of us,
but I was not in the mood for having a few laughs.
And I ran out, for I saw Cassio wearing Desdemona's handkerchief.
I come back, open the door,
and I picture myself Desdemona and Cassio
doing Number Seventeen: 
the Beast with Two Backs.
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.
I don't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was taking my hands off her throat,
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it,
but, if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it,
but, if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

[MRS. QUICKLY]
I loved John Falstaff more than I can possibly say.
He was a really lively guy... cheerful... a bon vivant.
But he was always trying to find himself.
He'd go out every night looking for himself,
and, on the way, he found Bardolph,
Pistol,
Nym,
Poins,
Mrs. Page,
and Mrs. Ford.
I guess you can say we broke up because of irreconcilable differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him dead.

[ALL]
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it,
but, if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming, 
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[LADY M.]
You'd kill the King now in bed?
[GONERIL]
Edmund... Good Lord!
[TYBALT]
He ran into my rapier ten times.
[LOUIS]
Nous avons eu trop de balles de paume!
[OTHELLO]
Number Seventeen: the Beast with Two Backs.
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Irreconcilable differences.

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!