WORTHLESS WESTEROSIS

This Worthless filk, my first one so far, is a sob story pile-up that contains spoilers for Westeros as both live-action series and novels. The plot bunny arose as soon as I discovered the song and found out that, changing a few place names and other details, these might as well be the sob stories of some old friends of mine. And thus, I wondered... what if those people were given the chance to relive the darkest nights of their souls? The ideas of using Varys and Petyr as a Greek chorus and employing a talk show with them as hosts as framing device (instead of the TV in the spoken interludes of the original song) arose as a critique of present-day talk shows rife with people telling their overly depressing sob stories (heartbreak, separation from relatives, parental abuse, repression from the government, obstructive in-laws and/or bureaucrats, sexual harassment, corruption, repo men... I hate the sound of all that!). What if one was forced to tell one's sob story, against one's will? How scarring would that prove?

Its frame, to be considered, is a talk show in which Varys and Littlefinger, the presenters/hosts, use a memory-absorbing electric-chair-kinda-device to read the minds and find out about the sorrows of the talkshow guests. Which goes from slight innuendoes to outright mind-rape (Jaime, Brienne, but mostly Barristan/Arstan being the targets of reliving their darkest hours) to cheerful backfire (as the Dornish, who know how the device works, turning it on its head by accentuating their positive memories instead).

WORTHLESS WESTEROSIS
or
TALK SHOW ROAST À LA WESTEROS

(Standing in a glass cabin before the electric chair-like device, they are standing on the screen in this order: Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, Alayne Stone [AKA Sansa Stark], Ser Jorah Mormont, Ser Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, the Gravedigger [Sandor Clegane], Oberyn Nymeros Martell, Ellaria Sand, Arstan Whitebeard [AKA Ser Barristan Selmy]. Varys and LF take Bronn out of the glass cabin and strap him to the device. One by one, the guests are taken out of the cabin and strapped to the device, their flashbacks being projected onto a screen at the other end of the headband cables.)

VARYS: Ladies and men of rank, you are all welcome once more to an exciting installment of Worthless Westerosis.
PETYR: That's right, Varys, and today we have got some very special guests on our show this evening. To start with, a middle-aged sellsword risen from the obscurity of the ranks: Ser Bronn of the Blackwater.

(Varys and Petyr take Bronn out. Caption reads: SER BRONN OF THE BLACKWATER, UPSTART SELLSWORD IN HIS FORTIES)

SER BRONN OF THE BLACKWATER:
I can't take this kinda pressure...
I must confess one more war campaign
would be the last one all along...

VARYS/PETYR:
Worthless!

(They free Bronn and strap Alayne to the device.)

(Caption: ALAYNE STONE, ADOLESCENT HEIRESS TO THE VALE OF ARRYN, REAL IDENTITY CLASSIFIED)

ALAYNE STONE:
I just can't... I just can't... I just can't seem to get started!
Don't have the heart to dance on the roses,
with all that is past and gone...

VARYS/PETYR:
Worthless!

ALAYNE STONE (twitching in pain as she resists, the screen shows Joffrey abusing Sansa and blurs for a while):
And there is nothing I can do about it!

VARYS/PETYR:
Worthless!

ALAYNE STONE (weary, falling unconscious):
It is in vain to resist...

VARYS/PETYR:
Worthless! Worthless! Worthless!

(They free Alayne and strap Jorah to the device)

VARYS: A crestfallen middle-aged former knight turned sellsword, Ser Jorah Mormont.

(Caption: SER JORAH MORMONT, CRIMINAL FORMERLY IN EXILE, NOW OFFICER OF THE SECOND SONS, IN HIS FIFTIETH DECADE OF AGE)

SER JORAH MORMONT:
I'm from Bear Island, a Mormont...
but I've been all o'er every Essosi shore,
as a sellsword, from Braavos to Lys...
(He grows pale and winces)
Qohor, Tyrosh, Myr, and Pentos,
into the steppes and across to the Red Wastes,
then Slaver's Bay, and never at ease...

(They free Jorah and strap Jaime, with the golden hand, to the device)

(Caption: SER JAIME LANNISTER, FORMER MILITARY LEADER AND HEIR TO THE RENOWNED LANNISTER SURNAME, IN HIS LATE THIRTIES)

SER JAIME LANNISTER:
I once led a host into battle...
I must confess I'm impressed how I did it,
I wonder how close that I came...
(Light-headed, he sees that the room is reeling as another surge is sent through him. The picture seen on the screen is of Locke severing his right arm, which makes Jaime shout in pain)
Now I get a sinking sensation...
I was the hope of my clan; out of sight, out of mind...
So much for fortune and fame!

(They free Jaime, who is exhausted and reeling, and strap Brienne to the chair as Jaime looks mournfully at her)

PETYR: And now another young lady, though a more unconventional one... what was her name again?
BRIENNE: Brienne... (interrupted by Varys)
VARYS: Brienne of Tarth, a Stormlands lass who has been raised for and accustomed to real-life warfare.

(Caption: BRIENNE OF TARTH, TWENTY-SOMETHING MAIDEN KNIGHT)

BRIENNE OF TARTH (in searing pain, the screen shows Renly getting married to Margaery in the Highgarden sept):
Once I was at my liege lord's wedding!
Once I was at my liege lord's wedding!
He kept forgetting, his selfishness letting
his life through my hands slip away...

(The last picture on the screen is of Renly dying in Brienne's arms. They free her, sobbing and pale, and strap the Gravedigger)

(Caption: THE GRAVEDIGGER OF THE SEPT ON THE QUIET ISLE, REAL IDENTITY CLASSIFIED)

THE GRAVEDIGGER:
I'm employed in a septry graveyard...
I beg your pardon... It's quite hard enough
just living with what I learned today...

VARYS/PETYR:
Worthless!

VARYS: And now for something completely different... the Red Viper of Dorne and his significant other, both of them equally scandalous, will hopefully reveal something of their cathartic backstories.

(Oberyn and Ellaria hop out of the cabin together in a back-to-back pose, shocking both hosts. Willingly, Oberyn sits on the vacant chair and straps the headband on himself. Ironically, the pics on his screen show, instead of Elia's gruesome death, a good times montage of both Oberyn and Ellaria together)

(Caption: OBERYN NYMEROS MARTELL, MIDDLE-AGED SPARE TO THE THRONE OF DORNE, AKA THE RED VIPER)

OBERYN NYMEROS MARTELL (cheerfully, unaffected)
Once sailed to Lys with my sweetheart!
Everything sunny, brandy sweet as honey,
and ladies we will never forget...

(Varys and Petyr are startled. No sooner have they freed the Dornishman that his other half, like Oberyn, willingly straps herself. Good times montage once more...)

(Caption: ELLARIA SAND, OBERYN'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER, YOUNG OF YEARS, DORNISH, FEMALE)

ELLARIA SAND (cheerfully, unaffected)
Oberyn, let's go there once more!
Oberyn, let's go there once more!
From Sunspear to Starfall, the rumour is we
have a hand in the lay of the land...
Can't we now set sail again?

(The tune becomes more ominous as the last person, an old sellsword officer who calls himself Arstan Whitebeard, is freed and strapped as Oberyn and Ellaria leave together. To the hosts' surprise, the flashbacks are of a Kingsguard in golden armour and white cloak)

(Caption; ARSTAN WHITEBEARD, SEPTUAGENARIAN OUTCAST, REAL IDENTITY CLASSIFIED)

ARSTAN WHITEBEARD (depressed, wall-eyed, ready for suicide)
I was leader of the Kingsguard...
(He winces, as the screen shows Joffrey on the Iron Throne)
Who would believe they would love me and leave
me to eke out a living elsewhere?
Once, in a hall in the Red Keep,
I showed the new king what he had to do, I was happy till I heard him say...
(sighing, as Varys and Petyr untie him): "You're worthless..." (he falls unconscious on the pavement)