You're kinda cute!

You're kinda cute!

Rapunzel "Rapping Sell" Éponine Thénardier has grown up a in tower her whole life. Is that not how it's supposed to be?

(Also, for some reason, literally everyone is gay! The whole thing is ridiculous... but it has a happy ending! No feels whatsoever!)

Notes:

I'm sleep deprived. I didn't edit. I'm sorry.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“R! R! Have you seen The Witch’s garden?” Enjolras, pregnant, shouted at his husband from where he was lounging in an armchair overlooking The Witch’s garden. Enjolras and Grantaire, a happy couple, were soon to be parents. But, they had the unfortunate luck of living next door with a splendous view of the lustrous garden of The Witch in their small village. The garden was prosperous and overflowing with all sorts of delicious and delightful flora.

“Yes, Enjolras, love, I have. I have seen it every day I walk past any window facing it. Do you only see it for the first time now?” Grantaire called back to his husband from the other side of their meek and humble abode.

Enjolras looked around for him, slightly confused as to why he was not understand or why he couldn’t find him, before continuing, “But the food! The greens! The lettuce! The rapunzel… I must have some! Fetch me some, will you, love? It would mean the world! I don’t know if I could go without! I might just die if I were not to have some of that green, green rapunzel. And I must have hers! I must get old Witch Thénardier’s rapunzel! And soon! Or else I shall perish!”

“Can we not just get some from the store?”

“I must have hers! You’d do that for me, right? Please? It will help our gorgeous child to prosper!”

“And if I get caught?”

“Fear not! Go in the dead of night whilst she is asleep, and nothing can harm you.” But, Grantaire was still not convinced.

After much more pleading, whining, pleading, and even more whining, Grantaire relented. “Alright, my love, I will go and fetch you the rapunzel you’re dying for. I will leave at once.”

Enjolras called after him, as he was leaving, “Thank you my love!”

Grantaire climbed over the high garden wall with relative ease and found the rapunzel to pick for Enjolras. He had gathered enough of it and was almost over the wall back to his property, but was too slow for The Witch. She noticed him just as he was nearing the peak of the towering wall.

“AHA! You thought you could get away, didn’t you? Well, too bad! I don’t care! And you’ll pay for this. You’ll pay for this dearly, my deeeeaaaar.” The Witch screamed at him.

“No no you don’t understand! My husband, Enjolras, is pregnant.” Grantaire blubbered, before being cut off by The Witch.

“Your husband is pregnant?... Enough of your excuses! They make me sick! If your partner is real and truly pregnant, I’ll take the baby once that little lump of screaming, annoying bundle of joy is popped out of them! I hope that suits your fancy, cause you don’t have another choice!” They each turned and fled, one being completely satisfied with the deal, the other completely devastated.

When the baby was born, the witch came and claimed her for herself. She decreed the baby Rapunzel Éponine Thénardier, but that she’ll go merely by Rapunzel. The young child was taken away from her heart-broken parents and locked away in a far off tower.

She grew up in a monotonous life in the dull tower she was confined to. Her only source of excitement was the visits of her so called mother to see her and bring along treasures to share together. But, The Witch rarely visited, and as she grew older he visits became less frequent than ever. Her life was always the same, just a pattern repeating itself. Until one day, it all changed.

She had glorious long hair, long and strong enough to climb. For her disguised prison had no doors and only one large window at the very top, her hair was the easiest way to gain access to her room at the peak. To reach her, The Witch would call up, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!” To which she had to release her barely restrained braid for her to climb.

Rapunzel hated to be called Rapunzel, because it only reminded her of her parent’s horrible mistake and willingness to give her up in return for their cowardly, sniveling lives.

She preferred Éponine, a name that sounded so soft yet rough at the same time. A name that was neither the fault nor choosing of her wretched parents. She called herself Éponine. She was Éponine.

One day, a young prince got lost and wandered right into her tower. He crashed into the side of it, and was almost seen by the unsuspecting princess and ever suspicious witch. He noticed how the witch climbed the not quite fair maiden’s hair and the spell she used to have a cascade of untamed hair tossed onto her to ascend the tower.

Once the witch had ridden off into the woods and was well out of both sight and earshot, he tried his luck. “Rapping Sell, Rapping Sell, let down your bear!” He hollered up to her.

Luckily, Éponine was smart enough to figure out what this blundering idiot meant (a feat not many can accomplish). She caught a glimpse of him and was struck by how… bland he looked. Her curiosity won over though, and she chose to let him reach her before jumping to any conclusions, however boring he looked now.

When she let down her hair, it hit him and accidently knocked him over. He hastily jumped back up and started to ascend the tower using her hair. He was not very good at climbing, leading her to believe that he had never done something like this before and maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t normal for young girls to be trapped in towers until they mature with their too long hair to be the only way to reach their room.

After much struggle, the odd prince reached her chambers. He fell face first onto her floor, then scrambled back up, not embarrassed at all. He introduced himself, “My name is Marius Pontmercy, and I have come to rescue you!”

Éponine looked him up and down, decided he couldn’t rescue her however hard she tried, and replied, “I’m Éponine, not Rapping Sell, and I don’t need the likes of you to rescue me. I can do it myself.”

“Then why was I told to rescue you?”

“Cause you’re an idiot and they wanted to get rid of you! Now get out!” Éponine screamed at Marius. She wanted him far away from her, for else she might fall in love with him and she didn’t want to do that.

Marius got out of there immediately, but immediately was not soon enough. The Witch had forgotten something in Éponine’s tower, and had come back to get it. She saw Marius leaving, and prepared herself to reprimand Éponine.

“A stranger! And not just any stranger! A boy! You dare to have a boy here? You dare to defy me, girl?” The Witch screamed at Éponine as soon as she entered the girl’s chambers, “You are nothing, and I am everything. It’s time you understood that. I think you need to learn that, no matter what. It’s time for a little lesson with Maman Thénardier.”

“He came here and saw you! So this is your fault, is it not?” Éponine snapped back at The Witch. A look of cold, hard fury enveloped her face. She grabbed the long, twisting braid and a pair of conveniently located shears, and chopped off her hair. She kept the braid for herself, and threw Éponine out of the tower. Éponine ran away while The Witch stayed and plotted how to get revenge on Marius.

Éponine ran into and got lost in a large swamp in the middle of a much larger forest. She sat there and huddled and sobbed, hoping the noise would attract something, either another person to help her or an animal to eat.

Her echoing sobs didn’t attract a handsome prince or dinner, but a young princess. The young princess, with a heart full of love, rushed to help the distressed young maiden. When she came upon her, she was surprised at what she saw. The young girl was not a girl at all, but a woman of eighteen years of age. And, she was quite beautiful. Tower life had done her well. In her shock, the princess blurted out, “You’re kinda cute!”

Éponine looked up, just as shocked by the beauty of the other, and responded, “Right back at you!” before getting up and pulling the princess into a deep and passionate kiss.

They both quickly jumped back in shock, before disrobing and continuing even farther.

After that fateful meeting in the swamp in the woods, they become lovers, but more importantly, best friends. They had twins, and called them Jean and Javert.

As for the prince? He stumbled upon them one fateful day.

Marius wandered into the castle, seeking refuge from The Witch, who was ever after his head. Her blinding wasn’t enough for her, he had to be dead as well. “Help me! Please! I’m blind and a witch wants to kill me! May I take refuge in your humble abode?” He called to the guards at the castle.

“Let him in!” Cosette (the princess) ordered the guards.

“Wait a bit! Know that face! Ain’t the world a remarkable place? He was the prince who stumbled upon my tower and caused all of this.” Éponine remarked to her.

“Then let’s honor him!”

“I do not wish for The Witch to find me again, or to unleash her wrath on us. Let him wander for evermore,” turning to the prince, “You are not welcome here. I bid you goodbye and to go on your way.” Marius left, but would not wander far before finding refuge.

While Éponine and Cosette lived happily ever after together, Marius wandered into an old friend, Courfeyrac. Courfeyrac decided to take care of him and protect him from Witch Thénardier. And they all lived happily ever after in their own respective places. The End.

Notes:

Thanks for sticking through this. Way to go!