Because the Book of Judges and the Cell Block Tango go together like berries and white chocolate. Delicious. The bunny for this filk I had during this Easter Week/Holy Week, but, due to complications (AKA laptop at home temporarily screwed up), I have delayed its release a tad. Again, this is scarring, so, if you are high-strung, dear reader, please down a whole packet of Xanax before perusing this filk...
Oh, the random common woman who nearly killed Abimelech... she remains nameless throughout tradition. I assumed she was a miller's wife 'cause that would give her a reason for being in possession of a millstone. And Ada... Jephthah's daughter is called Ada in some traditions, such as Freemasonry. Again, there is a child being killed by a birth parent of hers in here... If you find it disturbing, please double or triple your Xanax dose, dear reader, or skip to a more harmless filk: there are oodles on this blog.
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
[ANGEL OF THE LORD]
And now, the six merry murderers of the Book of Judges
in their rendition of... the Fell Black Tango...
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
ALL SIX:
They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
And if you'd been there,
and if you'd seen it,
I bet my life you'd had done the same!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
EHUD:
You know how people have these little habits that get you down.
Like Eglon.
Eglon just loved having taxes paid.
No, not paid. Extorted!
So this one day, I arrive at court to pay the tribute,
and I'm really irritated,
and I've come up with a clever plan to end this reign of terror...
And there's Eglon, plump as a butterball, lounging on his throne and eager for the tribute to be paid.
No, not paid. Extorted!
So I said to him: "Your Grace, you demand that many gifts one more time..."
And he did.
So I put my left hand to my right thigh,
and I thrust my cubit-long two-edged sword
INTO HIS HEFT.
He had it coming,
he had it coming,
he only had himself to blame...
And if you'd been there,
and if you'd seen it,
I bet my life you'd had done the same!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
GIDEON:
I heard the voice of the LORD
on the family farm about two weeks ago.
And he told me to gather an army,
and we recruited a sizeable host right away.
So, the LORD told me we should be fewer strong!
I sent away those who got cold feet,
then took those who were left to the stream to drink,
we were ten thousand strong...
and then I found out...
Recruit those who drink from their cupped hands,
raising their heads!
Not everyone drank this watchfully,
oh no.
We were dwindled to three hundred.
One of those minorities, you know.
So, that night, when the Midianites were celebrating their victory,
they were surprised by something unusual.
You know, some guys just can't stand shattered crockery!
They had it coming,
they had it coming,
those raiders should have gone elsewhere...
because we shattered
and war-cries smattered,
and thus, we gave them their lifetimes' scare!!
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
MILLER'S WIFE:
Now I'm standing in this fortress tower,
having fled the open countryside for safety's sake,
hoping for my life to be spared...
On storms that warlord Abimelech towards the gates!
"If you don't surrender, we burn this bloody tower down!"
So he says. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming:
"If you don't surrender, we burn this bloody tower down!"
And then he ran into my millstone.
And then his lieutenant put him out of his misery.
[ALL SIX]
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd have done the same!
ADA:
What am I doing here?
I heard my father was coming home from the war front,
so out I rushed, playing my favourite tambourine, to welcome him...
But one thing is true. I am innocent.
I don't know why Dad tied me up and put me on the altar.
I tried to ask him the reason why, but he would not answer...
YAEL:
Yeah, but did you do it?
ADA:
Uh-uh! Not... guilty!!!
YAEL:
The prophetess Deborah and the warlord Barack had this military campaign,
and I wound up becoming the key player in their strategy.
Now, during the decisive battle of the Kishon,
the Canaanites got to know all of these factors of defeat in a row:
one, two, three, four, five,
thunderstorm, downpour, surging streams, our swords,
one right after the other.
So this one evening, after the battle,
into our campsite staggers General Sisera,
the enemy leader, the sole survivor, weary and thirsty...
So... I welcomed him in,
and I gave him a drink of buttermilk from our finest bowl...
I turn back, push the curtains aside...
and there's Deborah and Barack at the head of their army,
asking for Sisera!
Well, I was in such a state of shock...
I completely blacked out.
I don't remember a thing.
It wasn't until then, when my right hand dropped the hammer,
and my left hand dropped the tent-peg,
and I was wiping the blood off my hands,
I even knew he was dead.
He had it coming,
he had it coming,
he had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?
He had it coming,
he had it coming,
he only had himself to blame...
And if you'd been there,
and if you'd seen it,
I bet my life you'd had done the same!
SAMSON:
I loved Delilah, this bitch, more than I can possibly say.
She was a really attractive girl... sultry... seductive...
But she was always trying to find out my secret.
She would, like, never stop in trying to find out my secret...
and, on the way, she plied me with drink,
coaxed the secret out of me,
cut off all my hair as I was unconscious,
and handed me over to the Philistines.
I guess you can say we broke up because of irreconcilable differences.
I set her on a pedestal...
and she set me up.
[ALL SIX]
The dirty slut, slut, slut, slut, slut...
The dirty slut, slut, slut, slut, slut...
ALL SIX:
They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?
They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
And if you'd been there,
and if you'd seen it,
I bet my life you'd had done the same!
EHUD:
"Your Grace, you demand that many gifts one more time..."
GIDEON:
Recruit those who drink from their cupped hands, raising their heads!
MILLER'S WIFE:
He ran into my millstone. Then his lieutenant put him out of his misery.
ADA:
I just wanted to welcome Dad home from the wars...
YAEL:
At the head of their army, asking for Sisera!
SAMSON:
Irreconcilable differences.
[EHUD]
Plump!
[GIDEON]
300!
[MILLER'S WIFE]
Squash!
[ADA]
Uh-uh!
[YAEL]
Sisera!
[SAMSON]
This bitch!
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