FUNNY JOKES

To lighten up the mood even more, here are some of my favourite Anglophone jokes:

• A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman find a wizard (let's say Merlin) on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts: "Pillows!" and so he lands on a heap of pillows. Then the Scot jumps off the cliff, and he shouts: "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally, the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says: "Aw, shit!" and then, as he falls, "Weeee... weee!"
• An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were discussing the infidelity of their wives. "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician", said the Englishman, "because I found an electrician's toolbox under her bed last night." "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber", said the Scotsman, "because last night I found a plunger under her bed". "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse", said the Irishman, "because last night I found a jockey under her bed."
• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar. Suddenly, a fly dives into each of their beers. The Englishman says, "Barman, a fly just dived into my beer. Bring me another one." The Englishman got another beer. The Irishman says, "Ah, to hell with it," and quaffs his pint empty, fly and all. The Scotsman pulls the fly out of his beer, shakes it up and down, and screams, "Spit it oot, you damn bastard! Spit it oot!"
• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says: "What is this - some kind of joke?" (This is a prime example of metafiction)
• An Englishman, an Irishman, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says, "Wait a minute! I'm in the wrong joke here!" (Another metafic: such jokes involve a Catholic priest, a vicar, and the rabbi)

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A1: Time to build a new fence. 
A2: Time to mend the old one (if the damage is not that extensive).







Q: Why are golf balls small and white?
A: Because if they were big and gray, they would be elephants.
And vice versa:
Q: Why are elephants big and gray?
A: Because if they were small and white, they would be golf balls.


Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: "Here come the elephants!"
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: "Here come the plums!" She was colour blind.


Q: How do you get 2,000 elephants to invade Cuba?
A: Promise them air support!
(It would be freaking nice, should they invade Cuba. It's a dictatorship!)


Q: What is black and white and re(a)d all over?
A1: A newspaper.
A2: A penguin in a blender.
(A classic black joke. And white and re/a/d a thousand times as well. No penguins were actually harmed!)