MISS DERMARK'S LIST OF ENGLISH WORDS WORTH USING

• aardvark: omnivorous mammal of the savannah. Looks similar to a pig-sized rabbit with a long tail and snout. The name of this species comes from Dutch "aard", "Earth", and "vark", "pig".
• Abacab: title of a Genesis song and of the album this is the first song in. The title comes from the structure of the song's music, comprising three melodies, which can be lettered A, B, and C. The melodies, when recognized and written down in order, spell A-B-A-C-A-B.
• aether: Another spelling for ether. See "ether".
• alchemists: awesome pioneers of science who worked throughout Eurasia in the Dark Ages through eighteenth century. With their primitive chemical experiments, heating and mixing various substances, they hoped to find eternal life, a cure for all diseases, and a way to turn non-precious metals into gold. They didn't discover any of the three above, but they managed to discover several chemicals, gunpowder, and the method used for distilling liquor.
• alcohol: see "ethanol", way below. Named first by alchemists (see above).
• Alea iacta est: Latin phrase which means "the dice are thrown", but is used to say "there's no turning back". Caius Julius Caesar said it when crossing the Rubicon with his army, a move that the Senate had forbidden, and thus defying said council of elders.
• amber: crystallized and fossilized resin, of a distinctive orange-like colour.
• ammo: ammunition, id est, projectiles for firearms.
• anaconda: the largest snake on Earth. A constrictor, found in the Amazon rainforest, which can reach six metres of length. Its common prey is the capybara (see "capybara").
• anemia: lack of blood iron. Makes the affected person feel weak and be pale. Counterarrested by consuming iron in the diet, for instance in raisins and liver. Some people with this condition may turn to ingesting metallic iron and steel (see "pica").
• anesthesia: painkilling, using chemicals to dull pain due to injuries and illnesses, as well as during surgery.
• anesthetic: chemical used for the purpose of anesthesia (see "chloroform" and "ether")
• anal: having to do with anuses (see "anus" below), as in "anal sex" or "anal fixation".
• anarchy: absence of government. Often mistaken with anomie (see below).
• anomie: absence of rules, limits, regulations, interdictions and what is called "the system" (see "system"). Often referred to, erroneously, as "anarchy". Which is FREAKING WRONG.
• anus: sphincter at the far end of the rectum in most developed species. Nothing to do with Uranus (see "Uranus" waaaaaaaaaaaay down below). Plural: anuses. Queer males (see "queer" below) use it as an ersatz (see "ersatz" below) for the vagina (see "vagina" waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below). Located below the tail in most species, and in a rift between the two glutei maximi (see "glutei maximi") in humans. It is used, in general, for defecation (see "defecation" below for the definition of this act) and is thus considered a taboo organ (see "taboo" way down below for the implications of this act). A common complication are hemorrhoids (see "hemorrhoids").
• aqua: water, or H2O. The word appears, instead of water, in the lists of ingredients on cosmetic and shampoo bottles. 
• arachnids: invertebrates of the family that comprises spiders, tarantulas, scorpions, ticks, and dust mites among other species.
• arachnophobia: an irrational fear of arachnids (see above).
• askew: this word means slightly distorted, warped, or twisted. But just very slightly.
• Asperger's (syndrome): emotional disorder which, in females, leads to right-brained caetextia (see "right-brained caetextia") and hyperactivity (see "hyperactivity").
• Astor: the name of the brand formerly known as Margaret Astor.
• austere: harsh, simplistic, stern, disciplined, stoic...
• author: 1: creator of anything in general. 2: often used of creative writers.
• autopsy: the dissection of a murder or accident victim to find out the causes of death.
• avian flu: the flu (see "influenza") that chickens get and spread. Lethal to humans. Should better not be confused with the harmless chickenpox (see "chickenpox" below).
• axolotl: a juvenile salamander of a certain species. Remains a juvenile for a long time (see "neoteny"), and is considered a popular exotic pet. Looks like a pink pollywog with prominent tendril gills. Julio Cortázar is rumoured to have kept one.
• azimuthal map: map that shows the Earth straight from above, whether from the Arctic or from Antarctica. Shaped like a circle. Looks as strange as it looks cute.
• backstabbing: 1: stabbing a person in the back. 2: betraying a person.
• bachelor party: synonymous with stag party (see "stag" and "hen").
• badanus: a particularly cool and wicked badass (see right below)
• badass: shaped like itself. A cool and wicked person.
• balderdash: complete and utter nonsense.
• Bamm-Bamm Rubble: one of the leading characters in The Flintstones, adopted son of Barney and Betty Rubble, later betrothed (see "betrothed") to Pebbles Flintstone, whom he marries and gives twin children, Chip and Roxy. B.B. is below the age of 4 in the original series, and a teenager, then a young adult, in the spin-offs.
• banana: a tropical fruit with a distinctive yellow colour (see "yellow" below) and phallic shape (see "phallus", ut supra). Its easily removable peel is rather slippery. The word can be pronounced with a long A or with a short A.
• Bananarama: 1: a music band with the word "banana" in its name. Its most famous song goes "I'm your Venus, I'm your fire, your desire!" 2: a fruit shop which sells many bananas. 
• bananas: 1: plural of "banana" (see above). 2: synonymous with "nuts" (see "nuts" when it comes to mental health). 
• bare: 1: naked. 2: empty. 3. Misspelled plantigrade.
• baritone: 1: a male voice darker than a tenor, and lighter than a bass. 2: an always male person with such a voice. Usually a villain, father figure, or badass, or a combination of all three. A prime example is Tywin Lannister.
• barren: this word means "sterile".
• bass: a male voice darker than a baritone. Particularly ominous (see ominous). 2. An always male person with such a voice. Russians usually have these. 3. A guitar which sounds like such a voice, present in any modern band. 4. A species of fish.
• bastard: 1: illegitimate child. 2: wicked person.
• BAU: Business As Usual.
• bear-baiting: a duel to the death between a brown bear and a half dozen bulldogs, popular at the royal courts of the sixteenth century.
• beast with two backs: idiom used to refer to coitus (see "coitus")
• Bentham, Jeremy: London-born Utilitarian philosopher (see "utilitarian" and "Stuart Mill") of egalitarian mindset, who promoted self-expression values like feminism and free love (see "equality"). Also known for being eccentric: for instance, he kept a pet teapot called Dickie. His stuffed and well-preserved body is currently on display in a glass case at London University, because he wanted his mortal remains to be displayed there in that manner.
• bereft (of sth.): deprived (of something).
• Berkeley (pronounced BARK-ly), George: together with Locke and Hume, one of the three great empiricists (see "empiricists").
• betrothed: engaged to be married.
• blog: an online diary, like this one.
• blogger: the author of a blog.
• blond: fair-haired, with yellow or reddish-yellow hair. 
• blue: 1: an unconfusable cool colour, that of the day sky on cloudless days, of bluebells, and of water masses (oceans, lakes, etc.), etc. 2: in a sad mood.
• BOHICA: Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.
• bookworm: an avid reader.
• boron: a mineral, atomic number 5, extracted mostly in California and used in the manufacture of borax.
• borax: a chemical containing boron, and the prime material in slime.
• brag: to boast. 
• braggart: a person who likes bragging.
• Breitenfeld: 1: a plain on the northern outskirts of Leipzig, site of several battles, including the crushing defeat that King Gustavus Adolphus gave Count Jean de Tilly in September 1631. 2: the battle that ended with the crushing defeat that King Gustavus Adolphus gave Count Jean de Tilly in September 1631. 3: one's Breitenfeld: a great success, like the battle that ended with the crushing defeat that King Gustavus Adolphus gave Count Jean de Tilly in September 1631.
• buckeyes: ornamental chestnuts.
• bulwark: 1: star-shaped fortification. 2: a person firmly defending an idea from detractors (example: "the bulwark of the Protestant faith").
• butcher: 1: a meat seller. 2: the author of a massacre (see "massacre").
• caffeine: a stimulating chemical found in coffee, tea, and coke drinks, if they haven't been decaffeinated. This substance should be consumed with moderation by hyperactive people (see "hyperactive").
• calculus: a very difficult and dreaded branch of Mathematics (see "Maths")
• camera: a device used to make photographs and/or films.
• camera obscura: a rudimentary seventeenth-century camera, consisting of a dark room with a single ray of light projecting on a wall. Takes a lot of space, which let to the development of smaller cameras (see "daguerreotype").
• cancer: 1: "crab" in Latin. 2: malignant tumour. 3: zodiac sign whose time starts with the summer solstice.
• cannon: a large firearm on wheels, which fires spherical iron projectiles of unusual size called cannonballs.
• capon: a castrated chicken.
• capture: take a living being, whether human or non-human animal, prisoner.
• capybara: the largest rodent on Earth, found in the Amazon rainforest. Looks like a guinea pig the size of a domestic pig. Is the favourite prey of the anaconda (see "anaconda").
• carbon: such stuff as life on Earth is made of. Atomic number 6. An element whose atoms can combine in infinitesimal oodles (see "oodles") and googolplexes (see "googolplex") of ways, to form diamonds, steel, or living tissue, for example.
• carbon chauvinism: chauvinistic belief that life forms can't be based on elements other than carbon.
• carpe diem (Latin for "seize the day"): means the same as "Hakuna Matata".
• carriage: 1: a vehicle pulled by horses. 2: a vehicle pulled by horses, made by a fairy from a pumpkin. 3: a vehicle meant to carry a cannon (see "cannon").
• castration: surgical removal of the male genitals (see "eunuch" for humans with this condition).
• cat: 1: a predatory mammal of the Felis or Panthera genus, the latter being larger and more powerful than the former. Felis cats, until their Panthera relations, are kept as pets by humans. Panthera juveniles are called cubs, while Felis juveniles are called kittens (see "kitten" below). 2: a young man. 3: Cheshire cat (see below).
• catalogue: 1: a list. 2: a book or booklet illustrated with photos, published by a corporation or franchise to show the products it offers.
• catch 22: a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules, formulated as a dilemma in which both ends of the fork lead to the same conclusion. For instance: "You want to leave the war front and the army. Insane military personnel are obligatorily discharged. Thus, to be able to leave, you pretend to be mentally unstable... but the fact that you can pretend to be insane shows that you are in perfect mental health. And thus, you can't leave either way." See also "Morton's fork".
• cattle: name of the species Bos primigenius taurus, comprising cows, bulls, steers, and calves.
• cerebrum: synonymous with brain. The executive and perceptive centre of vertebrate systems. Needs to be well hydrated and sharpened with thought and learning in humans, in order to connect its cells, or neurons, and make it develop a wide range of intellectual and emotional faculties.
• cerebellum: a lump of gray matter located beneath to the cerebrum or brain, attached to the spinal cord.
• Cerimon: a kind and worthy physician, an example of goodness directed by knowledge.
• chalk: a white stick, containing calcium, for writing on a blackboard or on the floor.
• chance: 1: opportunity. 2: serendipity or coincidence. 3: destiny.
• chaos: 1: disorder, absence of cosmos (see cosmos). 2: According to Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish, a ladder that must be climbed.
• charcoal: coal obtained by burning wood. Compare "coke".
• chauvinist: a person convinced of the superiority of his/her own nation, descent, gender, or orientation. Can be as dangerous as a zealot, and can be a zealot him/herself as well.
• Cheshire cat: a creature of Wonderland, similar to a tabby Felis cat of unusual colours, but sapient, with a broad toothy grin, able to appear and disappear at will.
• chick: 1: a young girl. 2: a juvenile chicken, notable for being yellow in colour, soft, and sickeningly cute.
• chickenpox: a clinical condition that comes with fever (see "fever") and little red rashes. It's actually harmless and completely unrelated to chickens or the lethal avian flu (see "avian flu" above).
• chemical: substance that can be traced directly to elements of the periodic table. For instance, boron, carbon, or chlorine (see below).
• chlorine: halogen, atomic number 17, a green acidic gas corrosive to eyes and lungs, and thus used as a chemical weapon in the Great War (see "World Wars"). Lethal. Positively enough, it's also used to purify drinking water, whiten the pages of books, and cleanse swimming pools. Reacts violently with sodium (see "salt" and "sodium" for more information).
• chloroform: a narcotic gas, used as an anesthetic in the nineteenth century. Contains chlorine (see "ether").
• choir: A large group of people singing at unison, in a church or on stage.
• chores: tasks, especially tasks done when helping at home.
• chorus: 1: synonymous with "choir". 2: synonymous with the "refrain" of a song (see "refrain").
• clarify: to make clear.
• clever: intelligent.
• clinic: an institution for tending to the health of people who lack it.
• cloves: dried flower buds, similar to iron nails (see "nail") used as a spice.
• cloud: 1: mass of condensed vapour in the Earth's athmosphere. If at a low height, called "fog" (see "fog"). 2: online storage for information, text, images, etc.
• clyster: archaic word for lavative (see "lavative" and "purge").
• cock: male reproductive organ, or penis, used to penetrate the vagina (see "vagina"). Not to be confused with "cockerel" or "coke".
• cockerel: rooster, male chicken.
• coda: ending, especially of a musical piece (see "finale").
• coitus: sexual intercourse.
• coke: 1: coal extracted from mines. 2: a caffeinated soft drink, whose recipe is secret. 3: The most celebrated brand of said soft drink in the world.
• colon: 1: organ in vertebrates' abdomen, part of the GI tract, continues into the rectum. 2: The following punctuation sign :
• colonel (pronounced homophone of "kernel"): a field officer of rank higher than a commander and lower than a general. Their daughters usually marry lieutenants (see "lieutenant").
• colours: the different frequencies in the spectrum of light. For specific colours: see "blue", "green", "pink", "orange", and "yellow".
• compulsive: of actions carried out to exorcize, or drive away, intrusive thoughts (see "intrusive thoughts").
• contralto: a female with a deep voice that may even sound like a man's. There is a tradition, all the way from the eighteenth century, for them to play the roles of young males on stage.
• copper: 1: metallic mineral, atomic number 29. Has a distinctive reddish or orange-like colour, then turns green or greenish-blue after exposure to the elements for a certain time (see "verdigris" at the end of this list). Conducts heat and power so efficiently that it can be found as thread inside most electric cables. Is also used to make bronze sculptures. 2: Police officer.
• coroner: a person who carries out autopsies of murder and accident victims.
• cosmos: 1: the universe. 2: the beautiful order of the universe, opposite of chaos (see "chaos"). 3: a beautiful flower, that looks like a mauve daisy.
• cottage: a little thatched farmhouse in the English countryside.
• count: 1: a nobleman. 2: a vampire nobleman. 3: a list of numbers. 4: to list numbers in order. 
• countess: 1: a female count, a noblewoman. 2: a vampire noblewoman.
• court: 1: hall of justice (court of laws). 2: royal palace (royal court). 3: to try to propose to another person (see "courtship", "proposal").
• courtier: noble person residing at the palace of his/her liege lord, or at that of a foreign power.
• courtship: proposal, telling another person that one wishes to marry said person.
• covetousness: synonymous with greed (see "greed").
• cranium: the bones in the head of a vertebrate, which protect the brains (see "cerebrum"). A human cranium with crossed femurs is the emblem of most pirates (see "Jolly Roger"). In Shakespeare's tragedy Hamlet (see "Hamlet"), the male lead holds a human cranium while saying NOT "to be or not to be". He actually says "Alas, poor Yorick!" while holding the cranium.
• crone: 1: an elderly human female (or old lady). 2: a wise old woman. 3: one of the Seven Gods of Westeros, goddess of wisdom.
• crude: 1: raw. 2: cruel. 3: raw petrol, extracted directly from under ground.
• cuckoo: 1: parasitic avian species. 2: mentally unstable person (see "bananas", "nuts", "fruitcake", "hatter").
• cunt: vagina (see "vagina").
• Dadaism: a surreal art style, precursor of surrealism (see "surrealism").
• daguerreotype: a photograph taken in the nineteenth century, with the camera invented by Frenchman Louis Daguerre. These photos were always in black and white.
• dappled: speckled (horse).
• defecation: expulsion of solid waste, or feces, through the rectum and anus.
• defector: a person who has left an organization, often to join another one. In some cases, synonymous with "traitor" (see "traitor").
• devil: see "Satan".
• discontent: disturbing state of mind, quoted by Shakespeare as occurring in winter. Leads often to greed (se "greed").
• doe: a deer, a female deer (see "stag").
• dominatrix: a female active participant in D/s. May be straight or queer. Is referred to by her pet or slave as "Mistress". Often clad in leather and steel, or wearing a scanty army uniform.
• D/s (read "dominance and submission"): an erotic discipline based on fantasies of commanding and being subjugated (military/warfare, pets and their owners, prisons, etc.). The active partner is often female and called dominatrix or mistress.
• duck: what looks like a duck, moves like a duck, and sounds like a duck.
• dunk: to dip violently into a liquid.
• eau-de-vie (French for "water of life"): distilled fruit liquor from France (see also "rakija" and "pálinka").
• Earth: our planet, the third one from the Sun.
• Earth's Moon: see "moon".
• eccentric: slightly strange in behaviour and expression. Synonymous with "erratic". A person like this can never be forgotten. Such as the Lovegoods or Jeremy Bentham (who have their own articles on this list).
• egalitarian: see "equality".
• ego: 1: care for one's own self. 2: overconfidence. 3: self-centeredness.
• elusive: 1: difficult to catch. 2: difficult to comprehend.
• Empiricists: philosophers of the late seventeenth and eighteenth century, who valued experimenting and sensory experience above everything else. Most of them were British. The three great ones were Locke, Berkeley and Hume (all of them named in this list). Their thoughts prompted the appearance of the Enlightenment (see below).
• Enlightenment: thought current of the eighteenth century, taking inspiration from the Epicureans and Empiricism, it is optimistic, questions authorities, and strives to change social issues for the better. It developed into Utilitarianism (see "Utilitarianism") and defined the worldview of the modern Occident.
• Epicureanism: Hellenistic thought current (see "Hellenism") which states that pleasure alone is good and pain alone is evil. Also known as hedonism. It does not acknowledge the existence of gods, and influenced the Enlightenment.
• erratic: strange in behaviour. Synonymous with "eccentric".
• ersatz (German for "replacement"): replacement. 
• emo: a troubled, introverted, and awkward teenager. For instance, the male lead in Shakespeare's Hamlet (see "Hamlet").
• emotional dysregulation: emotional responses that do not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response due to their inadequate modulation. It's an uncomfortable impulse control issue and a feature of right-brained caetextia.
• ensign: 1: in some armies, a rank between lieutenant and sergeant, historically responsible for the flag of the regiment. 2: flag of a military unit.
• equality: complete absence of disparity in spite of differences (in gender, orientation, ethnic descent, nationality, religion, ideology, physical/intellectual/emotional prestations...). Societies, thought currents, and individuals promoting this ideal are called egalitarian (see "Hellenism" and "self-expression values").
• etc.(etera): and so on. A commonly used expression in this word list.
• ethanol: depressant and narcotic chemical, the active principle of so called strong drinks. Commonly referred to as "alcohol". Causes intoxication (see "intoxication").
• ether: 1: the fifth classical element, also called "quintessence". 2: narcotic gas used first as a recreational drug and then as an anesthetic in the nineteenth century, like chloroform.
• eunuch: a castrated human male, employed as a singer, royal guard, soldier, or manservant. In general, castrated human male.
• falsetto: a shrill voice, particularly a feigned one.
• fan: 1: a passionate person: 2: an electric appliance to refresh oneself. 3: an accesory to refresh oneself.
• fanatic: synonymous with "zealot" (see "zealot").
• feminism: the movement which defends and promotes gender equality (see "equality").
• fever: corporal temperature above 37 degrees Celsius.
• FIGMO: F**k It, Got My Orders.
• finale: ending of a show or work of fiction (see "coda").
• firearms: hollow weapons that fire projectiles with a load of gunpowder. Their existence and improvement have shaped the history of warfare and that of our own species.
• flesh: 1: human meat or muscle. 2: in the Bible, synonymous with "physical body", "sensualism" and "sex for pleasure" (see "free love") and considered sinful (as opposed to soul and spirit).
• flowers: genitals of phanerogamous plants, with usually colourful petals, often used as decorations, for food (some species are edible), or making perfumes.
• flu: influenza (see "influenza").
• fog: cloud (see "cloud") at a low level, near ground. Makes eyesight difficult. When thinner, is called a mist (see "mist"). Decided the outcome of the Battle of Lützen (see "Lützen").
• fog-horn: 1: a loud sound given as a signal by lighthouses to ships when it's foggy on the coast. 2: a loud talker, a person whose speech is louder than usual.
• Fornication Under Charles the King: alleged acronym behind a rather offensive taboo word.
• free love: tolerance and permissiveness in the matters of sexual intercourse, allowing more possibilities than straight intramarital tradition. Particularly centered on the idea of sex for pleasure (see "equality" and "queer").
• freedom: no limits or restrictions. There are three freedoms to be defended by our Enlightened ideal: freedom from prejudice, freedom from want, and freedom from fear.
• freethinker: a person who does not believe in gods and questions authorities. The ideal developed during the Enlightenment (see "Enlightenment"). 
• French leave: taking leave without saying goodbye, often in haste.
• frog: 1: tailless amphibian, which hibernates and undergoes metamorphosis. The aquatic, fish-like juveniles are called "tadpoles" or "pollywogs" (see "pollywog") and breathe through gills. The legs of lung-breathing adult frogs are edible. 2: offensive nickname for a French person.
• fruitcake: 1: a  sponge cake with plums, raisins, candied fruit... 2: mentally unstable.
• fuck: see "Fornication Under Charles the King" and "taboo".
• FUBAR: F**ked Up Beyond All Recognition.
• FUBAR BUNDY: F**ked Up Beyond All Recognition, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet.
• FUMTU: F**ked Up More Than Usual.
• general: 1: a military officer of particularly high degree. 2: not particular or specific, or the exception to the rule.
• gerrymandering: manipulation of electoral district boundaries to establish advantage for one of the parties.
• ghoti: An unlikely alternate spelling for the word "fish". Shall ALWAYS be pronounced /fish/.
• glutei maximi (plural, the singular is "gluteus maximus"): muscles to the left and right of the human anus (see "anus") and connected to the thighs. G.M. are also known as "buttocks" and "moon" (hence "mooning").
• greed: desire for more. Is the root of all moral evil that there is, and thus, considered a deadly sin.
• green: 1: a colour obtained by mixing yellow and blue, present in most plants due to chlorophyll. 2: plants or parts of them. 3: money, because of the value of green banknotes (100 euro notes, for instance).
• Groot: I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot...
• googolplex: a huuuuuuuuuuge number. A one followed by ten hundred zeroes.
• guns: see "firearms".
• haggis: the Scottish national dish, consisting of mutton offal: the rumen stuffed with the heart, liver, and lungs mixed with onions and oats. Not that recommended.
• Hakuna Matata: It means "no worries". It's a problem-free philosophy.
• Hakuna Patata: It means "no potatoes". It's a tuber-free philosophy.
• Hamlet: 1: a tiny village (less frequent). 2: a play by William Shakespeare, centering on the emo heir to the Danish throne, who suffers from an Oedipus complex (see "Oedipus complex") and stepdad issues. H.'s suspicions of his stepfather as a usurper and the murderer of his birth father are confirmed by the ghost of the latter, which causes H. to pretend he is insane before avenging the death of the former ghost. So he gives a speech on whether to be or not to be vengeful (while NOT holding the cranium!). After staging a play which portrays stepdad Claudius as the poisoning usurper he is, and killing prospective father-in-law Chancellor Polonius by stabbing the lump behind a curtain, H. is sent on a suicide mission to England, but saved by a good-hearted pirate captain. Upon landing on Danish shores, our hero discovers his lovesick fiancée Ophelia, the daughter of the late chancellor, has actually lost her sanity and drowned in a river, which prompts her brother Laertes to return from France and challenge the prince to a duel with rapiers (see "rapier" and "swashbuckling"). Before the duel, H. comes across the cranium of his late jester Yorick and gives a speech about him (NOW he holds the famous cranium!). Laertes is a co-conspirator of H.'s stepdad's, and the duel is tricked to kill the heir to the throne. If he isn't hurt with his opponent's poisoned sword, H. is to die when drinking poisoned wine to quench his thirst (this is a so-called "Morton's fork!"). It all backfires (see "TARFU"): Laertes himself is wounded with the poisoned rapier, the Queen (H.'s mother) drinks some of the wine, and Claudius is forced to quaff (see "quaff") the rest of the poisoned grape juice. Nevertheless, the crown prince dies himself, having been fatally wounded in the swordfight.
• hatter: a person who makes hats. Is sometimes mentally unstable, particularly in Wonderland.
• helium: noble gas. Atomic number 2. Lighter than air, and thus, used to fill party balloons that soar. Inhaling it causes the air in the larynx to vibrate quicker and the voice to sound like a falsetto (see "falsetto").
• Hellenism: the historical period from the rise of Alexander the Great to the rise of Christianity. Coincides, in its later half, with the Roman era. The vast extension of empires and kingdoms, whose common people were subjects, led to the regard of every person as a separate individual, and of the world as one single unit to which all people belonged, which led to individualism in philosophical currents like Epicureanism, and to an extremely eclectic, permissive, knowledge-encouraging and egalitarian society which accepted free love, female superior education, divorce, LGBT lifestyles, freedom of worship, scientific experimentation, dissection of human forms to study anatomy and physiology..., encouraged the search for knowledge and the expression of emotions (the more out of control, the better) in the creative arts. This Golden Age of self-expression values (see "self-expression values") came to an end when Christian clergy's attainment of worldly power condemned everything that, according to the Church, was regarded as "sinful".
• hen: 1: female chicken. 2: bachelorette, unmarried girl. See "hen party".
• hen party: celebration of the end of a bachelorette's single life. 
• hemorrhoid: painful lump in the anus (see "anus").
• hetero: see "straight"
• hollyhock: the flowering plant also known as malva.
• Hodor: Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor. Hodor.
• Homo sapiens (also called "humans" and "people"): bipedal vertebrate mammals, the only advanced vertebrate species on Earth and the only sapient one. The reader of this blog, like its author, is most likely to belong to this species.
• homophones: words pronounced in the same way, like "rain" and "reign", which can lead to both puns (see "pun") and misspellings.
• homosexual: see "queer".
• hot potato: 1: a touchy, hard-to-define subject (see "taboo"). 2: a tuber at a high temperature. 3: a parlour game in which a small object, identified with a tuber at high temperature, is passed around the players as music plays in the background.
• humans: see "Homo sapiens".
• Hume, David: empiricist philosopher, pals with Locke and Berkeley (see "Empiricism").
• hyperactivity: a state of mind in which the person is abnormally active. Usually exists combined with impulse control issues (see below).
• ice: solid water. Is very cold.
• id est: means "that is", or "so it is" in Latin.
• imp: 1: small goblin. 2: Tyrion Lannister.
• impatience: 1: low frustration tolerance. 2: low tolerance for waiting without anything to do.
• impulsivity: a construct that involves a tendeny to act on a whim, with little or no forethought or consideration of consequences. Is both a personality trait and a core component of various disorders, such as right-brained caetextia (see "right-brained caetextia") or ADHD.
• impulse control: the ability to control one's emotions and desires, and the externalization of these, in the face of restraints. 
• in pectore (latin: "inside the chest"): in secret, closeted.
• influenza: a viral disease, also known as flu (in-FLU-enza), with fever (see "fever"), sore throat, and other symptoms similar to those of the common cold but more serious. Sets typically in during the cold seasons, id est, autumn and winter.
• interjection: Oh! It's a short word, expressing emotion, always concluded with an exclamation.
• intoxication: altered state of mind consequence of ethanol consumption. An initial state of elation or euphoria gives way to a violent or annoying phase (depending of the person) in which impulse control is strongly inhibited, then to burnout and finally malaise (hangover, wrath of grapes/hops). May lead to coma or even death, if the ethanol intake has been too severe. Causes many social and health issues, and has been frequently depicted in fiction.
• intrusive thoughts: unwelcome involuntary unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, and can be difficult to eliminate.
• iridiscent: shining and changing colours.
• iron: metallic mineral, atomic number 26, combined with carbon to make steel. Rusts and turns orange with exposure to the elements. Covers the surface of Mars (see "Mars"). Lack of this element in the bloodstream causes anemia (see "anemia").
• Iron Curtain: according to an expression coined by Winston Churchill, the well-fortified and well-defended boundary between the liberal West and the Communist East into which the developed world was divided after the World Wars. The I.C. was difficult to cross, but many people tired to pass from East to West, few of them successfully.
• irony: saying or otherwise displaying the opposite of what one really intends or thinks.
• Jolly Roger: the iconic flag of most pirate crews, used nowadays on danger signs: a cranium and two crossed femurs underneath, usually white on a black field. Its name may either come from "le joli rouge", French for "beautiful red", id est, blood... or from "Old Roger", another name for the devil (see "Satan").
• kitten: a juvenile Felis cat. Sickeningly cute and an excellent pet, though they may be mischievous.
• kiwi: 1: a brown and hairy fruit endemic to New Zealand. 2: a brown and bushy avian species endemic to New Zealand. 3: a person from New Zealand.
• knapsack: a small, simple backpack.
• laughing gas: See "no".
• lavative: an anally (see "anal") administrated liquid used to induce defecation.
• laxative: a drug consumed orally to induce defecation (see "defecation").
• leisure: spare time, especially if spent in serious and relaxed pleasures.
• lesbian: a queer female (see "queer").
• leyline: supposed alignment of significant geographical locations along a straight line (for instance, the pyramids of Gizeh, or the French Gothic cathedrals), alignment that allegedly serves as a channel for mystical or natural life energy.
• liar's paradox: "I am lying". Is this statement true or false?
• lieutenant: a young subaltern officer, of the rank immediately below captain. Often unexperienced, betrothed to colonels' daughters, and popular among aesthetically-minded youngsters of both genders of all orientations save lesbians. The average lifespan of an officer of this rank is up to 21-28 years during wartime, and even longer during peacetime (if promotion to higher ranks is not interpreted as the death of the individual as a Lt.) The recommended pronunciation for the French loanword is RP /lef-TEN-ent/.
• Locke: together with Berkeley and Hume, one of the three "musketeers" of Empiricism (see "Empiricism"). A firm believer in the innocence of children, he established the tabula rasa theory (see "tabula rasa").
• Lützen: 1: site of a pair of battles, located in Saxony (near Leipzig), of which the most relevant occurred in early November 1632, between King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden and Duke Albrecht von Wallenstein of Friedland. The Swedes emerged victorious from the confrontation, yet their ruler, lost in the fog and gunsmoke, fell upon the battlefield. 2: any foggy or misty place.
• M: the chairperson of MI5 and James Bond's employer, whose gender varies depending on the film.
• Mars: 1: the fourth planet from the Sun, covered in iron oxide (rust) which gives the planet its reddish colour. Contains a volcano (Olympus) and a canyon (Valles Marineris) worth visiting. Water has been found on its ice caps. 2: a brand of chocolate bars.
• marshmallows: soft and fluffy sweets, that can be roasted over a campfire (or not).
• massacre: the killing of a great number of people at the same time and in the same place.
• Maths (full name, Mathematics): the only formal (non-empiric) subject on the school curriculum, which makes it the most challenging of them all.
• ménage à trois (French for "household of three"): a partnership, or love relationship, between three people, usually with some erotic content. The relationship between Renly Baratheon, Loras Tyrell, and Margaery Tyrell may be named as an example.
• mincemeat: a cream made from brandy, pine nuts, orange peel, and raisins. Generally used to stuff small pies for Christmas, but tastes even better on ginger snaps.
• mischievous: naughty, prank-pulling, in a funny sort of way like certain children.
• mist: a thin fog (see "fog").
• mistletoe: a parasitic plant with poisonous white berries. Sacred to Celtic cultures, which derivated into the custom of kissing under a branch of this species for Christmas. According to the Lovegoods of Quibbler fame, this species provides the fairies known as nargles (see "nargles") with their nests and the berries they feed on.
• moon: 1: space rock orbiting a planet. 2: the large space rock orbiting the Earth (Earth's Moon). 3: slang term for the glutei maximi (see "glutei maximi"). 4: To expose one's glutei maximi in public (mooning).
• Morton's fork: 1: a piece of reasoning in which contradictory arguments lead to the same unpleasant conclusion. For instance: "Out of two people very close to each other, one of them is held hostage. If the hostage's loved one does not forfeit his/her life, the hostage him/herself will be killed." See also "catch 22" and "prisoners' dilemma". Such a Morton's fork is used in the duel at the end of Shakespeare's Hamlet (see "Hamlet"). 2: the device the Mortons use to eat, for example, pasta. 
• muggles: common people, deprived of special powers or skills of any kind.
• muscle (homophone of "mussel"): motor organ of vertebrates and molluscs, composed of elastic protein fibres. Eaten by carnivourous and omnivorous species, including humans (then, it's called "meat", and "flesh" if of humans themselves).
• mussel (homophone of "muscle"): mollusc, protected by two hard and dark shells, which fixes on rocks. 
• nail: 1: keratin tip of a finger or toe. 2: iron or steel tool, similar to a long tack, driven into wood or other material with a hammer.
• nargles: cryptid species allegedly discovered by Mr. and Miss Lovegood (see "Quibbler"). According to the Lovegoods, these tiny fairies infest mistletoe and have a penchant for stealing the most varied objects (necklaces, earrings, shoes, papers... were allegedly taken from Miss Lovegood by nargles).
• nation: 1: a large ethnic group. 2: a territorial state.
• nausea: involuntary urge to vomit, often caused by sudden movements, poisoning, complaints of the upper digestive system, phobic reactions, a disgusting experience...
• neoteny: the trait of a living being that can't come of age and remains fixed in juvenile state. A feature of axolotls, Peter Pan, and other rare creatures.
• no: 1: adverb of negation. 2: James Bond villain (Dr. No). 3: laughing gas (Nitrous Oxide).
• nuts: 1: fruits with hard shells. 2: mentally unstable. 3: testes (see "testes"). 4: little circular steel tools that fit bolts or screws.
• ocarina: a simple wind instrument made of ceramic material. Rather easy to play.
• odd: 1: a non-even number (1,3,5,7,9...), id est, one that does not give an exact result if divided by 2. 2: strange/unusual (see also "erratic", "eccentric"...). 3: the odd one out: the only item in a set that stands apart due to its difference to the other items in the same set.
• Oddjob: That James Bond henchman whose weapon of choice was a bowler hat with a circular steel blade on the brim.
• Oedipus complex: supposedly, an abnormal attachment between a child and the parent of the opposite gender. Which leads to rivalry with the parent of the same gender. See "Hamlet".
• Onan: secondary character in the Book of Genesis. The middle son out of three. When his married eldest brother died, O. was constrained by tradition to marry said brother's childless widow. But, knowing that the children of the couple would be recognized not as his own, but as those of his late brother, O. spilled his seed (see "semen") on the ground, which caused God to strike him down with lightning, killing him.
• onanism: masturbation. Named after Onan (see "Onan").
• oodles (of sth.): countless several, in a particularly large number.
• orange: 1: a warm colour made by mixing red and yellow. 2: a spherical citrus fruit that colour. 3: a word for which there is no exact rhyme in the English language.
• ossuary: 1: a shrine made out of human bones. 2: a container for human bones.
• Othello: 1: the board game also known as Reversi. 2: a tragedy by William Shakespeare, covering several taboo themes and set in a garrison community in Northern Cyprus, with a minimalistic cast. The titular character is a great general, veteran of many wars, of foreign descent, married to innocent young noblewoman Desdemona, and with equally innocent young lieutenant (see "lieutenant") Cassio for a good friend of both (see "ménage à trois"). The war is finally over, but the relationship of the three leads is soon put to the test by sociopathic ensign (see "ensign") Iago, esteemed and regarded throughout the fortress for his so-called "honesty". When Cassio is on guard duty, Iago successfully persuades the young officer to drink more than he can hold. The lieutenant quaffs strong wine until he is left bereft of reason, intoxicated... then breaks into a fit of rage under the influence, which makes him lose his commanding officer's favour. Advised by Iago, a now sobered-up Cassio gets Desdemona on his side, and they spend more and more time with each other. Now, the ensign tries to trick the general into believing that his lady is having an affair with the young lieutenant. O. is skeptical until he sees the embroideded handkerchief he gave Desdemona in Cassio's hands (Iago's wife, the maid Emilia, had gathered the lost piece of cloth, which her husband planted in the lieutenant's quarters). Then, the great general snaps, suffering from epileptic seizures, fits of rage, and paranoid delusions. He has Iago kill Cassio, but the young lieutenant is only unconscious and left for dead. Meanwhile, O. himself sets out to kill his lady in bed, waking her up with a kiss (ironically enough). She pleads for mercy and tells the truth (that she only loves the lieutenant as a friend, and that she lost the handkerchief, which Cassio must have found), but her spouse doesn't listen and literally stifles her voice by strangling her in her bed. Enter Emilia, the maidservant, and a revived Cassio, who finally tell the truth (though Emilia is silenced by Iago at the end of her rant). Iago is arrested by the general's men, as a regretful O. forgives the young lieutenant, now his successor as governor of the outpost. Shedding tears, the foreign commander, now fallen from grace, thrusts his own sword into his own heart and falls bleeding on the bedsheets, staining the lifeless body of his beloved spouse, to finally die upon a kiss.
• outré: French for "outrageous". Used of particularly strange people (see "eccentric", "quirk", "perk"...).
• oven: a device used for making pastry, gratins, and roasted witches, among other great dishes.
• oysters: molluscs containing mother-of-pearl and sometimes pearls. Rather expensive as a foodstuff.
• pálinka: distilled fruit liquor from Hungary (see also "rakija" and "eau-de-vie").
• perk: a strange, unusual trait. Synonymous with "quirk".
• pernickety: a person who pays a minute attention to details.
• phallus: Synonymous with "cock" (see "cock").
• pica: the custom to eat things not meant for human consumption: paper, cardboard, raw rice and pasta, ice (the mistress of the blog actually consumes all of the former), small metallic objets (iron and steel consumption may hint that the person suffers from anemia, see "anemia"), glue, soap, soil, etc.
• pike: 1: a predatory freshwater fish of the genus Esox. 2: a spear with a pointed blade at the end.
• pikeman: a soldier armed with a pike (the spear, NOT the fish)
• pink: 1: a warm and lovable colour made by mixing red and white. The colour of sunsets, cotton candy, Pinkie Pie... 2: a wild carnation flower of the pink colour. 3: in the pink: in the happiest of all possible moods.
• Pinkie Pie: iconic fictional character, the life of the party and comic relief in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Represents the Element of Laughter. Born and raised in a quarry into a Puritan family, she had her hair tangled and her ideas screwed up by a Sonic Rainboom. Currently, she is rarely seen alone, silent, or without her party cannon. She is hyperactive, and resides at Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville.
• pique: 1: to entice, to make someone curious about something. 2: to provoke someone, to entice someone to anger. 3: the feeling of irritation aroused in a piqued person. 4: a durable fabric.
• pirates: awesome people, who raided ships on the oceans and fought with rapiers, usually against corrupt and/or unfair governments (though some of them had royal consent to attack enemy ships, and were rewarded by the Crown of their nations with estates and knighthoods). They were mostly active during the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. Most of their ships flew the Jolly Roger flag (see "Jolly Roger").
• platitude: a meaningless and/or prosaic statement, such as "Nobody's perfect" or "It is like it is".
• platypus: an egg-laying Australian mammal, that looks like a beaver with a duck's beak.
• pollywog: 1: an aquatic and gill-breathing juvenile frog (see also "frog" and "axolotl"). Synonymous with "tadpole". 2: in the Navy, a sailor who hasn't crossed the Equator.
• prisoners' dilemma: a piece of reasoning which centers on greed, trust, betrayal, and self-centeredness vs. selflessness. The premise is the following: "The two convicts were both caught in the act at the same time. Both are sentenced to 5 years of imprisonment. But, if one of them betrays the other, the traitor will be set instantly free and the victim will spend 10 years in prison (both his/her own time and that of the traitor). This premise, however, has a catch: if both prisoners betray each other, both of them will be sentenced to 10 years." See also "Morton's fork" and "catch 22".
• proposal: a confession of love combined with the expression of desire to marry, or cohabit with, the beloved person.
• pun: a wordplay centered on homophones, polysemia, or similar-sounding words. For instance: "hair apparent". Or "hare apparent".
• Puritan: Protestant zealot (see "zealot"). In seventeenth-century England, led by General Oliver Cromwell, they declared war on absolute monarch Charles I Stuart, putting him to rout and beheading him, then establishing a short-lived dictatorship (ruled by Cromwell) in which all forms of entertainment and creativity were illegalized.
• purge: 1: to purify. 2: to purify the human system by means of dieting and stimulating the GI tract (see "laxative", "lavative", "defecation"). 3: to rid a group of people, whether an organization or a nation-state, of unwanted individuals through a massacre (see "massacre").
• pussy: 1: kitten (see "kitten"). 2: vagina (see "vagina").
• Q: 1: the inventor who makes Bond's devices. 2: a letter nearly neglected by the English language.
• Q gospel: the hypothetical source text for most of the biblical Gospels. Its name comes from "Quelle", which means "source" in German.
• quack: 1: a duck (see "duck"). 2: the sound a duck makes. 3: a pretend doctor.
• quaff: to drink deeply, often without even breathing (often, if ethanol consumption is involved).
• quagga: an extinct species of zebra (see "zebra").
• Quaker: 1: a brand of oats. 2: a member of a certain religious society, founded in the USA.
• quandary: a difficult situation, hard to get out of (see "catch 22", "Morton's fork", "quibble", and "prisoners' dilemma" for examples).
• quantum leap: change of an electron from one quantum state to another within an atom.
• quarry: 1: the prey of a predator. 2: an open-air mine.
• quartz: 1: a family of transparent and translucent minerals, including amethyst and rock crystal. The latter is used as a meter in timepieces, which leads to... 2: a word written on the surface of timepieces.
• queer: 1: strange. 2: LGBT (not heterosexual, traditional sexual orientation). See "free love".
• quell: to calm down enraged moods, or to calm down an uprising, often peacefully and non-violently (see also "soothe" and "stifle").
• quench: 1: to use a liquid to rapidly cool or put out fire, thirst, or red hot metals (iron, steel...). 2: to extinguish hopes, desires, wishes...
• quibble: a scenario in which the literal meaning of an agreement (the "exact words") is invoked and fulfilled to avoid the intended meaning of the agreement. For example: "Agreement: 'You are obliged not to tell an important truth to anyone under the penalty of death.' A stove is not a person. Thus, you can tell the truth to this iron stove (you're unaware that there's an eavesdropper from your own camp inside the stove)."
• Quibbler: conspiracy theory newspaper published by its authors, Mr. Xenophilius and Miss Luna Lovegood (see "nargles"). Despite its notorious reputation, this periodical is actually worth praise.
• quid pro quo (Latin for "something in exchange for something"): refers to "give and take": the exchange of goods and services in a scenario of trade (50 cents in exchange for a bag of sweets) or help (a favour in exchange for another favour), but also in one of revenge and "tit for tat"/"an eye for an eye" (the one who has blinded another person should be punished with removal of one own eye).
• quill: a pen made from a feather (usually a feather from a goose), used by the great writers of the early modern period, like Voltaire and Shakespeare.
• quincunx: five items, arranged four of them in a square and the fifth one in the middle, like the five on dice and dominoes (:·:).
• quintessence: see "ether".
• quirk: a strange or unusual trait.
• Quisling: 1: the traitor (see "traitor") who handed over the government of Norway to the Nazis during World War II. 2: an eponym which means "traitor".
• quiver: 1: an oblong container for arrows and/or crossbow bolts, typically worn on the back with straps. 2: to shiver, to shake nervously and quickly.
• quokka: an adorable Australian marsupial that looks like, and is the size of, a teddy bear, but of flesh and blood.
• quorum: the minimum number of members of a parliamentary assembly necessary to conduct the business of that group.
• quoth: means "said" (the past of the verb "to say").
• Rabutin, Jean Louis de: French general at the service of the Austrian Empire in the late seventeenth and early eighteenth century. A clever and bold commander, in spite of being an outsider due to his nationality. Carried out repression of kuruc rebels in 1700s Hungary, and is still known in this land as "the Cruel" and as "the Arrogant". This legendary badass died of a ripe old age at the court of Vienna, having left his military profession for a place at the Imperial Council at the close of his life. 
• rakija: distilled fruit liquor from Croatia. Is faaaar stronger than its French and Hungarian counterparts (see "eau-de-vie" and "pálinka").
• rapier: a sword with a thin blade, often used in the era of swashbucklers (see "swashbuckling") by military officers, pirates, criminals, and people like Íñigo Montoya or Arya Stark.
• rectum: final stretch of the colon (see "colon") ending in the anus (see "anus"). Responsible for defecation (see "defecation") through peristaltic movements. Frequently used as vagina ersatz (see "ersatz") by male homosexuals.
• refrain: the part of a song which is repeated a number of times, in between the stanzas and at the end.
• right-brained caetextia: a rare variant of Asperger's syndrome, mostly affecting females, in which the left brain does not function properly and the right brain is overly dominant. Features of this rare condition are impulse control issues; low logical intelligence; low frustration tolerance, sensation-seeking; novelty-seeking; acting out; emotional dysregulation; sharp linguistic, visual, and musical intelligence (as opposed to low logical intelligence); aesthetic sense; lack of common sense and practicality; and a tendency to make associations ("put two and two together") rather than thinking logically and analytically. Like the rest of right-brained people, those with this condition are left-handed.
• salt: 1: sodium chloride, substance found in marine water and used by humans in seasonings. 2: s. of the earth: common, ordinary people (see "muggles").
• Satan: the archenemy of the Creator. Also called devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Enemy, the Foe, Old Nick, Old Scratch, Old Roger, etc. (he has many names). Represents evil, but is nevertheless seductive. According to doomsday prophets, he currently holds universal domination, and he is responsible for self-expression values and egalitarianism, but shall be put to rout and overthrown in the last of great battles.
• scabbard: a sheath for keeping a sword.
• self-expression values: a cluster of values that include social toleration, life satisfaction, public expression and an aspiration to liberty. Already established during the Hellenistic period (see "Hellenism"), rediscovered by the Enlightenment (see "Enlightenment") and the counterculture of the 1960s (see "queer", "free love", "feminism"). Still condemned by zealots (see "zealot") across the planet.
• semen: 1: spermatic liquid (Latin for "seed", "sperm" being "seed" in Greek). 2: misspelled sailors.
• sensation-seeking: a personality trait associated with the pursuit of varied, novel, and intense feelings and experiences regardless of the risks of any kind that it might involve. Is one of the core components of impulsivity, hyperactivity, right-brained caetextia... and the reason for the existence of self-expression values and mindsets.
• shibboleth: 1: "stream" in Hebrew. 2: a linguistic trait that establishes speakers' dialectal variation.
• shut up: SHUT UP!
• SNAFU: Situation Normal, All F**ked Up.
• sodium: alkali, atomic number 11. White, soft, and creamy. Explodes in water. Reacts aggressively with chlorine (see "chlorine") to form sodium chloride (see "salt").
• soothe: to calm down tense muscles or people in a negative emotional state (anger, sorrow, etc.).
• spade: 1: an intrenching tool, also called a shovel. 2: a suit in playing cards, symbolized by a phallic leaf shape. 3: said phallic leaf shape. 4: to call a spade a spade: to say things as they are.
• stag: 1: male deer. 2: bachelor, unmarried young man.
• stag party: celebration of the end of a bachelor's single life. 
• steel: iron combined with carbon. Is particularly cold and hard, used to make blades, firearms, bridges, trains, ships, etc.
• stifle: 1: to drown a sound out with another sound. 2: to suffocate a living being. 3: to violently suppress an uprising (compare "quell").
• stigma (plural: stigmata): 1: female genitals of flowers, corresponding to the vaginas in the animal kingdom (see "vagina"). 2: wounds on the sites of the ones inflicted on a crucified Jesus (hands, feet, and side of the ribcage). 3: unusual trait, that marks a person as non-normal (see "muggles", "queer", "odd", etc.).
• straight: 1: not curved. 2: not deviant. 3: traditionally sexual (intramarital and heterosexual).
• strychnine: alkaloid neurotoxin extracted from nux vomica seeds. Causes death due to respiratory arrest among extremely painful convulsions and spasms. The victim dies still conscious, with eyes wide open and a Cheshire cat grin.
• Stuart Mill, John: Utilitarian philosopher, disciple of Jeremy Bentham, who shared many of his ideas (see "Utilitarianism").
• surrealism: 1: an artistic current of the Roaring Twenties, represented by René Magritte and Salvador Dalí, which champions associating objects and uniting them as wildly as it can happen in dreams. 2: property of an object or event as unusual as the ones depicted by Surrealistic artists.
• swashbuckling: adventure fiction set in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, featuring royal courts, military officers, battles, pirates, ruffians, rapiers, duels, dance balls, etc.
• taboo: an offensive or doubtful subject, like a hot potato. Examples are sexuality (coitus, genital organs...), secretions (defecation, urine, etc.), the sacred and demonic worlds.
• tabula rasa (Latin for "blank slate"): theory, stated by Empiricist philosoper John Locke (see "Locke"), that the infant mind, bereft of experience, is like a blank whiteboard onto which more writings and drawings are penned over the course of years for every experience, positive or negative. Locke defends, thus, the innocence of children, also demonstrating the importance of a healthy education and upbringing.
• TARFU: Totally And Royally F**ked Up.
• tart: 1: a small pie. 2: a prostitute.
• testes: male genitals and semen-producing glands (see "semen"). Also called "balls", "eggs", and "nuts". Absent in the castrated males of all species, including eunuchs (see "eunuch"). 
• Torelore: a fantasy kingdom and castle-state, in which gender roles were completely inverted and the all-female army fought with innocuous weapons made from eggs, fruit, flowers... led by the Queen herself on horseback. It was considered unacceptable to kill or even hurt the enemy. The location of this country is still unknown, but we know nowadays it was a modest realm, consisting of the coastal royal castle, a small port nearby, and a wild feudal hinterland.
• traitor: a person who turns his/her allegiance to the enemy. A particularly infamous and notorious kind of defector. History and fiction are full of them.
• turncoat: another word for traitor (see "traitor" above). In Westeros, they say "turncloak" instead.
• Uranus: the seventh planet from the Sun, and the most inclined one in the solar system. All of its moons are named after Shakespearean characters. It's very cold there. This teal or blue planet's name is often mispronounced as "your-Anus" or as "Urine-us", but it should be given the pronunciation "oo-RAH-nus" or "you RAN us" (based upon the German, since a Prussian astronomer christened it without considering the unfortunate implications of the English pronunciation).
• usurper: a person who seizes control of a position of power by force. History and fiction are full of them. Can be a traitor as well (see "traitor"), but not necessarily. In fact, there have been those who are well-intentioned, odd as it may sound.
• Utilitarianism: an offshoot of the Enlightenment (see "Enlightenment"), which states that everyone should try to make as many people happy as possible and to hurt as few people as possible. Is the philosophy that lays behind present-day Western moral. Representatives are Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill.
• vagina: female genitals, named after the Latin word for "scabbard" (see "scabbard"). Also known as "pussy" or "beaver". Sometimes penetrated by male genitals (see "phallus").
• verdigris: a bluish-green poisonous layer formed on copper and copper alloys (like bronze) due to exposure to the elements. 
• Voltaire: French freethinker and writer of the Enlightenment, quite a celebrity in France for being the author of highly recommended ironic, satirical stories that criticize corruption and zealotry in the ruling elite of his times (the royal court and Catholic Church).
• Wookiees: sapient species of hairy, bipedal humanoids living in the treetops of the rainforest planet of Kashyyyk.
• World Wars: the two global armed conflicts of the twentieth century. The first one, which lasted from 1914 to 1918, was called (ironically in hindsight) the Great War during its confrontations (see "chlorine" for chemical warfare in this period). The second war, 1939-1945, which saw the rise of many dictatorial and chauvinistic regimes (see "chauvinism") was a consequence of the former: the Germans were trying, through purges (see "purge") and conquests of so-called vital space, to avenge their defeat in the Great War... but they were routed in a much more catastrophal fashion in an Even Greater War. At the end of the day, the world was at peace, but divided by an Iron Curtain (see "Iron Curtain") and at risk of a third conflict that, fortunately, never occurred.
• yellow: 1: the warm colour of the sun and of sunflower petals, which irradiates happiness and energy. 2: coward.
• zealot: a religious or ideological fanatic, a person fully convinced of the supremacy of his/her religion and/or ideology. Often conservative. They have caused a number of wars across the centuries.
• zebra: a striped black and white herbivorous mammal, member of the horse family. Can be paired with its closest relations to produce sterile zorses and zonkeys.

PURRA UT ALEMÁN!

My funniest misheard lyrics. In Swedish, English, and Spanish...

ACTUALIZACIÓN: He hallado conveniente graduar los momentos teniente en cuanto a hilaridad.
Grados de tenientazgo (hilaridad del momento teniente):
Subteniente
Teniente segundo
Teniente primero
Teniente Coronel
Teniente General

1. Purra ut alemán! (Shove the German out!)
Nordsjön, Martin Nilsson
Hör kommandot i natten som ljuder
Race opp, purra ut alle man!

Misheard as:

Hör kommandot i natten som ljuder
Res opp, purra ut alemán!

Why?

The Spanish Armada had been mentioned in a previous stanza:
Här drar Spaniens stolta armada fram
På sin kurs emot britternas ö
And Philip II had German (mostly Bavarian) mercenaries at his service...

1.5. Alemán, vi blir bärgade då! (German, we will be towed then!)

Briggen Bluebird av Hull, Evert Taube

Dom är här, jumpa i! 

alle man vi blir bärgade då

Misheard as:

Dom är här, jumpa i! 

alemán, vi blir bärgade då

Why?

A British ship like the Bluebird would have a pretty motley multinational crew (see Moby Dick!) Including Northern Germans, of course! Plus, a Swede said "Jumpa i!" in Swenglish, so "alemán" in Spanish makes perfect sense

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO: Teniente primero

2. Con sesos de mero (With the brains of a grouper fish)
Tequila, Café Quijano

Y yo que soy un caballero, 
dos besos le pego con mucha fe. 
Me bebo mi ron entero 
y con el tequila me echo a perder. 

Misheard as:

Y yo que soy un caballero, 
con sesos de mero, con mucha fe, 
me bebo mi ron entero 
y con el tequila me echo a perder. 

Why?

Fish have the tiniest and least developed brains in the vertebrate province of the animal kingdom. Only the sensory, motor, and instinctive parts, in a lump the size of a pea in large marine species like groupers.
If this guy quaffs distilled liquor without ever breathing, as if he were drinking water, he must have the brains of a grouper fish.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO: Teniente General


2.1. Y hay un pecado también (And there's a sin, too)
La taberna del Buda, Café Quijano
y hay un decano también,
y un abogado también,
Misheard as:
y hay un pecado también,
y un abogado también,
Why?
I didn't know the word "decano" ("dean") as a child. But I knew "pecado" ("sin")... 

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO: Teniente Coronel

2.2. Y una vaquera, si se quita los tacones (And a cowgirl, if she takes off her heels)
La taberna del Buda, Café Quijano
y una princesa y una portuguesa,
que en nada quedan si se quitan los tacones.
Misheard as:
y una princesa y una portuguesa,
y una vaquera, si se quita los tacones.
Why?
I put two and two together: there are so many diverse people at the bar, that there should be a cowgirl ("vaquera"), like Jessie in the Toy Story films, as well!
GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO: Teniente General


2.3. Hay tres vampiros/bandidos, van de corbata (There are three vampires/bandits, they wear cravats).
La taberna del Buda, Café Quijano

hay tres banqueros,

van de corbata,
están casados, los anillos bien guardados;

Misheard as:

hay tres vampiros,

van de corbata,
están casados, los anillos bien guardados;

Also misheard as:

hay tres bandidos,

van de corbata,
están casados, los anillos bien guardados;

Why?

The song is about a bar full of different people. So I simply misheard this verse, first (as a child) with vampires, then (as a teen) with bandits/highwaymen, who also wear cravats and look dashing.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO: Teniente General

3. Vi ser att du ler, vän (We see that you smile, friend)
Sarah, Mauro Scocco

Oh, Sarah, kom ut i kväll. 
Jag väntar i hörnet vid Seven-Eleven.

Misheard as:

Oh, Sarah, kom ut i kväll. 
Jag väntar i hörnet, vi ser att du ler, vän.

Why?
I didn't know 7-Eleven until my first visit to Stockholm, where one can't walk ten metres without sighting a 7-Eleven shop. Later on, I noticed the chain was also widespread in Gothenburg.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

4. Vintersaga, Ted Ström, sung by Monica Törnell

This song, about Swedish geography, supplied a few misheard lyrics indeed...

4.1 E-on i Pajala ger den sista färden (E-on in Pajala hosts the last journey)

Bion i Pajala ger "Den sista färden" 

Misheard as:

E-on i Pajala ger den sista färden 

Why?
By looking in the map, I know that Pajala is one of the northernmost towns in Sweden.This provincial community is near the Torne River and the Finnish border.
I committed two mondegreens here:
- "Bion", "The cinema", as "E-on", name of a power company (Törnell did not pronounce the initial B clearly, and the "i"afterwards sounded more like a long "e").
- I didn't know Den sista färden was the Swedish title of a film (whose original English title is Deliverance).

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

4.2 Båtarna släcker sina ljus (The boats put out their lights)

Gårdarna släcker sina ljus 

Misheard as:

Båtarna släcker sina ljus 

Why?

Törnell pronounced "Gårdarna" ("The farms") in such a way that it sounded like "Båtarna" ("The boats").

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

4.3. Mariabergsbacka

Tät snö som gloppar i Mariabergets backar.

Misheard as:

Tät snö som jobbar i Mariabergsbacka

Why?
I simply didn't know where it was and had never been there for the first time. And I didn't have the lyrics. My father told me: "That's in Stockholm". I hadn't been to the capital yet. So I thought the place's name was "Mariabergsbacka", one single word because the speed Monica sung it.
 Besides, the verb "att gloppa" ("to slosh") was then unknown to me, so I heard "jobba", "to work".

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

4.4. Mo Maskros ("maskros" means "dandelion")

Och fyllan växer till på Mommas krog 

Misheard as:

Och fyllan växer till på Mo Maskros 

Why?

Same reasons as 4.3. "Mariabergsbacka".

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

4.5. Ett stormpiskat Marstrand med sitt Pater Noster (A stormy Marstrand with its Pater Noster)

Ett stormpiskat Marstrand ber sitt Pater Noster
Misheard as:

Ett stormpiskat Marstrand med sitt Pater Noster

Why?
Being Spanish,  I clearly guessed as a child that "Pater Noster" means "Our Father" (the title of the Lord's Prayer in most languages) in Latin. 
Pater Noster is also the name of a lighthouse near Marstrand Island, on the Swedish west coast. The iconic red structure can be seen with the naked eye from the ramparts of Carlsten Fortress.
Many a summer holiday, I have been able to view the lighthouse.
Lyricist Ted Ström has created a pun on the name of the lighthouse and the title of the prayer. Törnell, the singer, sings her initial B's rather softly (see 4.1 "Bion"/"E-on"), so I misheard "ber" ("prays") as "med" ("with"), having already established a mental association between Marstrand and the Pater Noster lighthouse. I didn't interpret the occurrence of "Pater Noster" in the lyrics of "Vintersaga" as a reference to the Lord's Prayer. Just as a local landmark, like Carlsten Fortress to put the other Marstrand example.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


5. To better soothe your moon
Smooth, Carlos Santana
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Misheard as:
I could change my life to better soothe your moon

Why?
In those days, I didn't know the verb "to suit" nor the noun "mood". But I knew the verb "to soothe" and that "moon" could also mean "buttocks". So I just heard Carlos say "suit" with a vaguely th-like final T, and "mood" skipping the final D, as in the "moo" a cow makes. Besides, the refrain said "just like the ocean under the moon". The word "moon" was already present in the refrain.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


5.5 Horoscope, get about it
Smooth, Carlos Santana
Or else forget about it
Misheard as:
Horoscope, get about it
 Why?
Carlos, constrained by the music, sung the word "forget" with stress on the wrong syllable, as /FOR-get/, which I couldn't perceive. Instead, I made the stressed "for-" in "forget" the stressed syllable of a misheard word. So /OR else FOR-/, with the E in "else" pronounced as a schwa, became "HO-ros-COPE"...

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

6.1 ...och Wien, champagne, ja men (...and Vienna, champagne, yes indeed)
Diamanter, Lustans Lakejer
Rio, Bryssel, Zurich, Haag
Parfym, champagne och män
Misheard as:

Rio, Bryssel, Zurich, Haag
och Wien, champagne, ja men
Why?
In Swedish, homophones are "män" ("men") and "men" (usually "but", in conjunction with "ja" ["yes"], "indeed" ["ja men": "yes indeed"]). The first mondegreen was due to the continuing list of cosmopolitan locations on the two previous verses, and the second one a commonly misheard part of the verse. 
Upon reading the lyrics and finding out my "ja men" was "och män" ("and men"), I was surprised. The narrator wants male objects of desire/floozies, which leads to the following reflection on the words of the song:
These lyrics typically arise questions about the gender and orientation of the narrator (the singer is male, but he quotes "diamonds are a girl's best friend"...). The song is about a person deciding to become evil and rise to power... but is that person male or female? Queer or straight?

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


6.2. Min stol har alla varit vänd (My chair has been turned away from everyone)
Diamanter, Lustans Lakejer
Är du stor vill alla va' din vän
Misheard as:
Min stol har alla varit vänd
Why?
"Är du" ("If you are") was pronounced so faintly that I could only hear an /i/ sound. Then, I heard "stor" ("great") with a final "R" nearly skipped, as "sto"; "va(ra) din" ("be your") said quickly as "varit" ("has been"); and interpreting "vän" ("friend") as "vänd" ("turned") was a consequence of hearing "stor" as "stol", thinking of a swivel chair, my usual kind of seat. You can turn your back on other people if you're sitting on a swivel chair...

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


7. Pretty boy, he's waiting there for you!
Africa, Toto
"Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you!"
Misheard as:
"Pretty boy, he's waiting there for you!"
Why?
The word "Hurry" was pronounced unclearly. And I heard it sounded like "pretty..."

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


7.5. I left the brains
Africa, Toto
I bless the rains down in Africa
Misheard as:
I left the brains down in Africa
Why?
Mishearing "bless" as "left" and "rains" as "brains" in the refrain of this song is a rather common mondegreen. I am not the only one who left her brains before this song.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


8. I wanna come back a-living
Feel, Robbie Williams
I wanna contact the living 
Misheard as:
I wanna come back a-living 
Why:
He pronounced the "b" in "back" with a /t/-like sound. So I misheard "contact" as "come back". I thought the narrator was a vampire or an undead... In the second stanza, he says: 
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either". So I interpreted the lyrics as such.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

8.5 Running through my face
Feel, Robbie Williams
Cause I got too much life 
Running through my veins 
Misheard as:
Cause I got too much life 
Running through my face 
Why:
Williams pronounced "veins" as /fayns/, with an initial /f/ sound. And so, I heard "face" and I thought of glowing tears of liquid or ethereal life energy.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

9. Vi samlas fyra tusen på ett litet fält (We gather, four thousand of us, on a little field)
Ângbâtsblues, Cornelis Vreeswijk
 Vi samlas flera tusen på ett litet fält
Misheard as:
Vi samlas fyra tusen på ett litet fält
Why:
As a child, I didn't know the Swedish word "flera" ("several"). The closest thing I could hear was "fyra" ("four").

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

10. Sen jag er visat vem som sålde huset och sagt er sanningen om frälsningssjäl (Since I showed you who sold the house, and told you the truth about redemption soul).
Sjuttonde balladen, Evert Taube, sung by Cornelis Vreeswijk
 sen jag er visat, vem som tålde ruset, 
och sagt er sanningen och frälst min själ.
Misheard as:
 sen jag er visat, vem som sålde huset,
och sagt er sanningen om frälsningssjäl.
Why:
Because of Cornelis's pronunciation. He simply pronounced "tålde ruset" ("held his liquor") as "sålde huset" ("sold the house") and said "frälst min själ" so quickly, that it became one single word in my mind (compare 4.3. Mariabergsbacka).

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


10.5: ... och nu förfärligt lättsinnig monark ("and now dreadfully indiscrete monarch")
Sjuttonde balladen, Evert Taube, sung by Cornelis Vreeswijk
då kacklar alltid någon gammal höna,
om hur förfärligt lättsinnig man är.
Misheard as:
då kacklar alltid någon gammal höna,
och nu förfärligt lättsinnig monark.
Why:
Because of Cornelis's pronunciation. He pronounced "man är" ("one is") /mon-AR/, the "a" in "man" ("one", as in "one is") with an /o/ sound, and the ä in "är" ("is") with an /a/ sound. And I thought of the reigning King of Sweden, Charles Gustavus XVI...

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


11. Paracetamol
De purísima y oro, Joaquín Sabina
“Parfait amour”, rebeca azul marino,
Misheard as:
Paracetamol, rebeca azul marino,
Why:
Parfait amour ("perfect love") is the name of a flower liquor. Sabina didn't pronounce this loanword /pagh-FÄ a-MOUGH/ with a French accent. He pronounced it without making the final T in "parfait" ("perfect") silent or rolling the Rs, and pronouncing "amour" ("love") without the "oo" sound, like Spanish "amor": /par-fet-a-MOR/. Which sounds like "paracetamol" with the Spanish pronunciation. Besides, I didn't knew the liquor as a child. Had Sabina displayed a French accent upon naming it, I would at least believe it was a French loanword instead of the name of a familiar medicine.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:
Teniente General

12. Ska jag plocka en gul fleur till dig (Shall I pick a yellow flower for you)
Maria Therese, Robert Broberg

En gullviva jag plockar av kärlek till
                
dina gula lockar och om Du vill
                               
ska jag plocka ännu fler till dig

Misheard as:

En gullviva jag plockar av kärlek till
               
dina gula lockar och om Du vill
                              
ska jag plocka en gul fleur till dig

Why:
This song has a formula repeated through all three stanzas. Compare stanza I:

Jag plockar upp en röd ros av kärlek till
               
dina röda läppar och om Du vill
                         
ska jag plocka alla rosor här,

And stanza II:

En blåklocka jag plockar av kärlek till
           
dina blåa ögon och om Du vill
                         
alla blåklockorna ska Du få

In stanza III, the song does not name the flower in the third verse, leaving it implicit: "ännu fler (gullvivor)", id est, "even more (primroses)". But, considering "ska jag plocka alla rosor här" ("I shall pick all the roses here") and "alla blåklockorna ska du få" ("all the bluebells will you receive"), I couldn't but mishear, by analogy, "ännu fler" ("even more") as "en gul fleur" ("a yellow flower").

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:
 

13. Min flintskalliga piraya (My bald piranha)
Min piraya Maya, Electric Banana Band
Maya min Maya, min bitska lilla piraya
Misheard as:
Maya min Maya, min flintskalliga piraya
Why:
The verse was said too quickly, so I misheard the central words "bitska lilla" ("fierce little"). Among other things, the singer didn't pronounce the double l in "lilla" ("little"), giving off a /lia/ sound and pronouncing the whole "bitska lilla" as /FLISS-ka-lia/ much like /FLINT-ska-lia/, "flintskalliga" (completely bald). And it's a universal truth that fish haven't got any hair.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


14. Place in the sun
Carol of the Bells, sung by a choir
Raising the sound
Misheard as:
Place in the sun
Why?
Because the choir sung too quickly (compare other examples), making the /z/ in "raising" an /s/ phonetically, /RAY-sin/ and the /au/ in "sound" shortened to an /a/, which made it phonetically /san/, and a homophone of "sun". The Gentle Giant song "Peel the Paint", which uses the same Ukrainian folk melody in a slower tempo, contains the verse "A place in the sun". So it was by this analogy that I came to hear those words in the Carol of the Bells.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


15. You look like a ninja...
Devil in Disguise, Elvis Presley
You look like an angel
Walk like an angel
Talk like an angel
Misheard as:
You look like a ninja
Walk like a ninja
Talk like a ninja
Why:
Because The King pronounced "an angel" as "a-NIN-juh (schwa in the end)".

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


15.5  You're the devil in the sky
Devil in Disguise, Elvis Presley
You're the devil in disguise
Misheard as:
You're the devil in the sky
Why:
The Pelvis himself had pronounced "disguise" with the first "i" to a short /e/ sound, and he didn't pronounce the final /z/ sound, making "disguise" /des-KAIS/ or something like that. And I thought a demon in fluffy-cloud heaven must be a precisely good trickster, of Loki degree.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


16. No can pollute us
We Are the Champions, Queen
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions 
of the world.
Misheard as:
No can pollute us
'Cause we are the champions 
of the world.
Why: I heard "for losers" as "pollute us", "pollutants" or "polluters" in this song throughout my childhood... 
And I had started getting interested in James Bond. The first bad guy, pitted against Sean Connery, was Dr. No. So if Freddie & Co. are the champions, they're prime targets for supervillains.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

17.  Never was a Quaker
The Look, Roxette
Never was a quitter
Misheard as:
Never was a Quaker
Why:
The only Quaker I knew as a child was the one on tin cans of oats for porridge. And I had never heard the word "quitter" as a child. Neither Per Gessle nor Marie Fredriksson look like the Quaker on the Quaker Oats logo, so it was somehow logo-ical. Logo-ical, indeed.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


18. Den där flickan i en Cool Water-sång (That girl in a Cool Water song)
Flickan i en Cole Porter-sâng, Gyllene Tider
Jag vill ha den där flickan i en Cole Porter-sång 
Misheard as:
Jag vill ha den där flickan i en Cool Water-sång 
Why:
I didn't know there was a singer called Cole Porter in my childhood. But I knew a Cornelis Vreeswijk song titled Cool Water, and I thought Gessle was referring to that song.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


19. Värför stå kvar med en The Bee Gees-låt? (Why stay here with a Bee Gees song?)

800º, Ebba Grön
Vad finns det kvar mer än the biggest blow?
Misheard as:
Värför stå kvar med en The Bee Gees-låt?
Why:
Not having read the lyrics as a child, I didn't know the second half of the verse was in English. So I misheard they were still singing in Swedish, and the only foreign words they said to be the name of a band whose ridiculous falsettos Ebba Grön (a hard rock quartet) would obviously disapprove of.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


20. Vi ska bjuda Nina nu (We will invite Nina now)
Vi är pâ gâng, Tomas Ledin
Vi ska löpa linan ut
kasta loss
Misheard as:
Vi ska bjuda Nina nu
kasta loss
Why:
My favourite Ledin song has been misheard by me since I was 7, up until my teens, because I didn't know the Swedish idiom "löpa linan ut" (to let one's hair down). So I simply misheard it as the closest words I could think of.


GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


21. I en byrålåda i sin foajé (In a drawer in her foyer)
Han satte foten i en potta, Hasse Alfredsson
Och möttes av sin fru Charlotta,
som också har sin fot i kläm
(i en byrålåda i en chiffonjé, olé!)
Misheard as:
Och möttes av sin fru Charlotta,
som också har sin fot i kläm
(i en byrålåda i sin foajé, olé!)
Why:
As a child, I didn't know the word "chiffonjé" ("chiffonier"). But I knew a similar French loanword "foajé" ("foyer") and the closest thing I could think of to "chiffonjé" was "sin foajé".

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:

22. Flash and Nash behind your bag
Early Morning Wake-Up Call, Flash and the Pan
Flashing knives behind your back
Misheard as:
Flash and Nash behind your bag
Why:
The group's name was shortened to Flash, and Nash for "knives" came partially due to the pronunciation of the I in "knIves" as an /a/-like short vowel, and also because of the rhyme (Flash and Nash). And the final sound in "back" was rather soft, so I heard it as "bag". I thought the song was about a Flash and the Pan fanboy/fangirl starting a tribute band. Thus, I was as aware of the upcoming backstabbing as Renly Baratheon.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


23. Vingar, Mikael Rickfors
This song was completely butchered by me as a child, due to the presence of economic terms and to Rickfors's pronunciation.

23. 1. Stanza 1: Jag har hanterat på livet (I have handled life)
Jag har amorterat på livet, 
Misheard as:
Jag har hanterat på livet, 
Why:
Children are especially interested in economical terms (just joking once more)... I didn't know that verb ("amortera": "to mortgage"). So as usual, I picked the closest word I knew: "hantera", "to handle").

23. 2. Stått längst bak i kur/aldrig tagit ur nån lur (I've always stood in the furthest sentry box/never taken a nap)
Jag har amorterat på livet, 
stått längst bak i kön
Aldrig haft semester 
eller tagit ut nån lön
Misheard as:
Jag har hanterat på livet,
stått längst bak i kur
Aldrig haft semester 
eller tagit ut nån lur
Why:
On "hantera", see 23.1. Rickfors pronounced the "ö" in "kön" ("the queue") and "lön" ("salary") with a sound similar to the long ü in Lübeck, while dropping the final N:s: /küü/, /lüü/. Which I interpreted as "kur" ("sentry box") and "lur" ("nap") respectively. And I thought of the narrator as a military person wishing to break free from the constraints of life in the ranks.

23. 3. I skuggan av en dräng (In the shade of a manservant)
 Jag skymtar en förmögenhet 
i skuggan av en dröm
Misheard as:
Jag skymtar en förmögenhet 
i skuggan av en dräng
Why:
Rickfors pronounced the "ö" in "dröm" ("dream") as an "ü" or "ä" sound, so I misheard this word as "dräng" ("manservant"). I interpreted this as the fact that the narrator wants to stop being a servant to the State and/or the system (see 23.2.)

23. 4.  Med mina vingar ska jag vinka och säga: "Heja, ma!" ("With my wings, I will wave and say, "Hi, ma!")
Mina vingar ska jag vinna och säja ”Hej, jag vann”
Misheard as:
Med mina vingar ska jag vinka och säja ”Heja, ma!”
Why:
The first time I heard this song, my father told me to wave a hand from the car window as this very verse was playing. No surprise I misheard "vinna" ("to win") as "vinka" ("to wave") throughout my childhood and always waved at this verse. 
The fact that it also contained the word "hej" or "heja" (both mean "Hi!") reinforced the idea of waving.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO (de toda la canción):

24. Make Your Own Cross, Flash and the Pan
(Otherwise known for me as "Song for Nico Robin" or "Song for Luna Lovegood")
Like Vingar and Vintersaga, this song was butchered by me into my late teens.

24.1. Carbon poppy girl, face of painted virgin
She come in many colours
Carbon copy girl
Face of painted virtue
A banner to unfurl

Misheard as:
She come in many colours
Carbon poppy girl
Face of painted virgin
A banner to unfurl

Why?
"Carbon poppy": I heard "poppy" instead of "copy". After all, poppies are carbon-based like the rest of life on this bluish-green planet. And they come in many colours (at least in red, yellow, and white). And the flowers of the fallen on the battlefield...
"Face of painted virgin": A couple of verses ("A sower of religion" and "Make your own cross") suggested a religious leitmotif in the lyrics. I didn't know how the word "virtue" was pronounced, so I hear /PAIN-ted VEUR-djü/ and think of "painted virgin", of an image or sculpture of the Virgin Mary, a religious image familiar to me.

24.2. Sally, so she pretty/Historical raider
Solid social breeding
Aristocratic stock
Historical orator
With one eye on the clock
Misheard as:
Sally, so she pretty
Aristocratic stock
Historical raider
With one eye on the clock
I didn't hear "social breeding", but "so she pretty", because the "ee" in "breeding" was sung as a short "e" sound rather than a long one.
And "raider" for "orator": the "t" in "orator" was rather slurred, and I thought of a girl like Lara Croft, a brave and active female studying the past and its sacred grounds... What do they call Lara Croft?

24.3. A gardener of eerie, barrister of facts, a sower of religion, quick to view The Acts

A gardener of theory
Harvester of facts
A sower of religion
Quick to use the axe
Misheard as:
A gardener of eerie
barrister of facts
A sower of religion
Quick to view the Acts
Why?
"Of theory"/"Of eerie": Just "theory" was one of the English words I tried to avoid to speak out loud as a child, being unsure of its pronunciation, until I heard and saw it on screen in a subtitled DVD film (another one of these words was "lieutenant"!). But I knew the word "eerie", and I guessed the song was about a special and learned girl like me (PS. Back then, I knew "eerie" but not "Eyrie", so I'm pretty sure this girl wouldn't have done Littlefinger's landscaping. Besides, that's a rather craggy place!).
"harvester"/"barrister": I knew "harvest" /HAH-vest/ but not that the derived word was with a short A /HAR-ves-ter/. So I misheard "barrister"...
"use the axe"/"view The Acts": The former verse had the word "religion" in it. And the refrain says: "Make your own cross". And this girl appears to be interested in history. So I thought the lyrics referred to her consulting the Acts of the Apostles.

24.4. Of studying past years
 She drown herself in questions
Of static, past years
Misheard as:
She drown herself in questions
Of studying past years
Why?
Because I thought she's an intellectual, I misheard "static", a hitherto unknown word to me, as "study"/"studying".

24.5. Death, oh, cheers!
Is staggered by the answers
And blinded by the tears
And deaf in both her ears
Misheard as:
Is staggered by the answers
And blinded by the tears
death, oh, cheers!
Why?
I thought this girl was going to be punished by the system. She's a female Christ or Luther figure, somewhat like Hypatia. Hence the idea of carrying the cross. She wishes to carry her own cross, the one she crafted herself, not the one the authorities made for her. So I misheard "deaf" as "death" on the premise of crucifixion, and "her ears" as "cheers" because I presumed she might be drinking to her own fate, like Jesus in the Last Supper.

25.6. "Make your own cross!" She told them from herself
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
Don't sit on someone else
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
She told him from her cell
Misheard as:
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
Don't sit on someone else
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
She told them from herself
Why:
I thought she had already been nailed to the cross and was addressing the authorities below:
"Make your own cross, don't sit on someone else!" honestly, for she thought they were the ones who should execute themselves, instead of picking her as a scapegoat to suffer terribly before she died on the cross.

25.7. Don't wait to be of burden
Don't wait to be unburdened
Misheard as:
Don't wait to be of burden
Why:
I thought of "to be of burden", as in "beast of burden". What if a revolution broke out (the "pagan revolution" misheard later on) and the people turned against the authorities, making them scapegoats themselves? They would thus have waited to "be of burden" by carrying the crosses of others.

25. 8. And always she gets falling down
She trailblaze to the doorway
In triumph and full shout
And always gets locked out
Misheard as:
She trailblaze to the doorway
In triumph and full shout
And always she gets falling down
Why:
At this stage in the plot, some years have passed and she's gone down in history as a heretic who deserved the punishment she was given (like Hypatia). As a villainess. History is written by the winners. But that will soon change...

25. 9. Marks up her mind and says "I'm free!"
She makes her own cross and she
Hangs there for all the world to see
She makes her own cross as she
Locks up her mind and says I'm free
Misheard as:
She makes her own cross and she
Hangs there for all the world to see
She makes her own cross and she
marks up her mind and says I'm free
Why:
I just misheard "locks up" as "marks up" because the "o" in "locks" sounded like a long A or /AH/. She "marks up her mind" while pointing upwards to higher ideals, such as freedom from zealotry. Which means people in another era start reading her forbidden works and take inspiration from them. Long after her death on the cross, she's free in spirit, in the imagination of this new generation.

25.10. The pagan revolution... diplomacy's the factor...
She cries out from her conscience
An everlasting scream
The weekend revolution
The winner by a dream
She drive herself on edges
And round the bend as well
But if lunacy's a factor
She'll make it to the other side of...
Misheard as:
She cries out from her conscience
An everlasting scream
The pagan revolution
The winner by a dream
She drive herself on edges
And round the bend as well
But diplomacy's the factor
She'll make it to the other side of...
Why:
At first, I  thought "weekend" sung by these Flash people in this verse was "pecan" (the nuts!), then I altered it to fit the alleged theme of the song. During the French Revolution, patriarchal Catholicism was replaced by force with a goddess cult (the central deity, Raison, was analogous to Athena/Minerva, Idunn in Scandinavia, and the Crone in Westeros). And I misheard "if lunacy" as "diplomacy": in the sense of peace-making and promoting tolerance. "But diplomacy's the factor, she'll make it to the other side of hell". She is finally redeemed and rediscovered as a heroine, much like Hypatia or any other martyr of science or philosophy.

Full misheard lyrics (also known as the "Nico Robin Anthem" or the "Luna Lovegood Anthem"):
She come in many colours
Carbon poppy girl
Face of painted virgin
A banner to unfurl
Sally, so she pretty
Aristocratic stock
Historical raider
With one eye on the clock

A gardener of eerie
barrister of facts
A sower of religion
Quick to view the Acts
She drown herself in questions
Of studying past years
Is staggered by the answers
And blinded by the tears
death, oh, cheers!

Make your own cross
Make your own cross
Don't sit on someone else
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
She told them from herself
Don't wait to be of burden
Don't wait to hear the bell
Make your own cross
And make it to the other side of hell

She ride the social climate
And charge from left to right
A multitude of heroes
To guide her to the light
By mental acrobatics
And living inside out
She trailblaze to the doorway
In triumph and full shout
And always she gets falling down

Make your own cross
Make your own cross
Don't sit on someone else
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
She told them from herself
Don't wait to be of burden
Don't wait to hear the bell
Make your own cross
And make it to the other side of hell

She makes her own cross and she
Hangs there for all the world to see
She makes her own cross and she
marks up her mind and says I'm free

She cries out from her conscience
An everlasting scream
The pagan revolution
The winner by a dream
She drive herself on edges
And round the bend as well
But diplomacy's the factor
She'll make it to the other side of...

Make your own cross
Make your own cross
And whistle to the wind
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
Then, end where you begin
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
She told them all to give
Make your own cross
Make your own cross
Don't die... Before... 
You live

She makes her own cross and she
Hangs there for all her friends to see
She makes her own cross and she
marks up her mind and says I'm free

She makes her own cross and she
Hangs there for all the world to see
She makes her own cross and she
marks up her mind and says I'm 
free!!

I leave my version of the song for you to interpret.
Take the misheard lyrics' explanations as clues.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO (de toda la canción):

26. Screw your carrots to the sticking blades!
The Mob Song, Beauty and the Beast
Gaston:
Screw your courage to the sticking place!
Misheard as:
Gaston:
Screw your carrots to the sticking blades!
The most interesting thing is that otherwise uncultured huntsman Gaston is actually quoting Macbeth ("Screw your courage to the sticking place!")!!
Somewhere in Stratford, a playwright was tossing and turning in his coffin... when I first watched Beauty and the Beast in English.
Then, I thought of carrots fixed on guns' bayonets... phallic carrots, to suit that macho Gaston? ("courage" as "carrots", and "place" as "blades". "Sticking blades: bayonets"...).
What would Freud have said?


GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


27. Sammy, hada (Sammy, fairy)
Embrujada, Tino Casal
Stop mi hada 
estrella invitada 
Misheard as:
Sammy, hada 
estrella invitada 
Why?
The singer, Casal, pronounced "stop" as /stap/, the "o" with a short /a/ sound. And the lyrics (in stanza 2) give away the character's name as Samantha.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


28. Och jag tog gift och fick ett barn (And I took poison, and I had a child)
Teddybjörnen Fredriksson, Lasse Berghagen
Och jag blev gift och fick ett barn
Misheard as:
Och jag tog gift och fick ett barn
Why?
The Swedish language has actually got words that sound and are spelled the same ("gift", pronounced /yift/) for "married" and "poison". Clever, eh? (Now I'm thinking about Joffrey and what I told my Throny friends in Sweden when he died!)
The collocation "att bli gift" means "to marry" or "to get married", while "att ta gift" means "to take poison" (Now I'm thinking about Joffrey and what I told my Throny friends in Sweden when he died!).
As a child, I did not know the former collocation, but I knew the latter...

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


29. And tremble like a frog
Let's Dance, David Bowie
If you should fall
Into my arms
And tremble like a flower
Misheard as:
If you should fall
Into my arms
And tremble like a frog
Why?
I did not know the lyrics, and I have always loved amphibians... and the "ow" sound in that "flower" sounded more like the "o" in "frog" or the "long a" in "car"... So yes, I went from Bowie's pronunciation...

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


29.2. And tremble like a flan
Let's Dance, David Bowie
If you should fall
Into my arms
And tremble like a flower
Misheard as:
If you should fall
Into my arms
And tremble like a flan
Why?
During last year, I noticed that Bowie said actually something more like /flah/ or /flar/. Besides, "tremble like a frog" made barely a little sense. So I put two and two together and thought that Bowie was saying "tremble like a flan". A flan is a custard pudding, very popular as a dessert in Spain.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


30. La donna immobile (The motionless woman/lady/donna)
Rigoletto, Giuseppe Verdi & Francesco Maria Piave
La donna è mobile
Misheard as:
La donna immobile
Why?
I had never read the lyrics as a child. So, instead of "La donna è mobile" (Women/Ladies are Inconstant), I heard "La donna immobile" (more than just the opposite statement!)

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


31. Ada har legat med Harry Potter i natt (Ada has lain with Harry Potter tonight)
Engelska flottan, Lasse Dahlquist
(Not mine, but that of a Swedish child. Contributed by Mona Utsten)
Ada har legat med papiljotter i natt, 
och satt extra rött på kinden.
Misheard as:
Ada har legat med Harry Potter i natt, 
och satt extra rött på kinden.
Why?
A little girl in Sweden didn't know what old-fashioned "papiljotter" (hair curlers), were, so she misheard it as the fact that Ada had been sleeping with the only son of Lily and James P.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:
Teniente General


32. Entendez-vous dans nos/les campagnes mugir Céféro, ce soldat? (Do you hear in our/the countryside the roar of Céféro, that soldier?)
La Marseillaise, Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes
mugir ces féroces soldats ?
Misheard as:
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes
mugir Céféro, ce soldat ?
Why?
Ever since the national anthem came to be with the first French Revolution, countless children and some adults have believed in the existence of this invading soldier by the strange name of Céféro (the traditional Germanophone enemy of France in his Pickelhaube and Prussian blue Imperial or black Schutzstaffel uniform?), before they read the lyrics or having forgotten them, when it's actually talk about "those fierce soldiers" (obviously, the Austrians and Prussians who declared war on the newborn Republic of France).

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:



33. Colores intensos que reflejen tu cara de vieja (Intense/bright colours that reflect your old lady face)
Sólo pienso en tí, Miguel Bosé
Colores intensos que reflejen tu rara belleza
Misheard as:
Colores intensos que reflejen tu cara de vieja
Why?
Here's another song I (and my mum, for that matter) misheard back in the 90s, when this song popped up a lot on Spanish TV one summer late in that decade and quickly became "the song of the summer". Now I remember it was when Digimon Adventure premiered in Spain and quickly attracted my interest (the human characters, the Chosen Ones, were and are more aesthetically pleasing and with far more character development than the Pokémon Trainers, so you can guess which series franchise I prefer). That year they did another anime I loved as a child, and it was Pollyanna, the adventures (and mishaps) of a sunny, freckled orphan girl in the antebellum South US. But as vivid as my memories of these two shows are those of the song of that summer... It was 2000 itself, now I remember. The song had a great summery video of a young girl swimming in a vast blue pool under the sun, a video that makes one's mood shoot up to Pollyanna levels. As a child, I did not understand why the lyrics should be "cara de vieja" ("old lady face"), and mum was even more puzzled. And we remained in that state of dark mishearing until a ray of light came when I bought the CD in which the song first appeared a few years ago, as a young adult in my twenties, and we were first introduced to the lyrics. The fact that the lyrics actually said "rara belleza" ("strange/rare beauty") made me have an epiphany, see the light, the fog had lifted. At last the song makes sense to me (and to mum as well).

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:
Teniente General


34. Un café por hacer (A cup of coffee to make)
Hacer por hacer, Miguel Bosé
Nunca hacer por hacer
Misheard as:
Un café por hacer
Why?
There is another Bosé song that sounds equally erotic, Morena mía, that has the following verses:
Suave bien bien
que nadie como tú me sabe hacer … café
And the start of the line in Hacer por hacer was easy to mishear, linking both lyrics, as "Un café por hacer". As a kid I didn't know Bosé was gay (I knew Zeus and Ganymede, Poseidon and Pelops, Apollo and Hyacinth, Kunzite and Zoisite, Touya and Yukito, Kurogane and Fai were, on the other hand) and thought he was singing about his sexperiences with the same coffee-brewing girl (some barista?).


GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO:


35. Agua de sed (Water of thirst)
Furia caballo del west, Enrique y Ana
Furia, caballo del west
que bebe solo café
y se cepilla los dientes con agua de selz
Misheard as:
Furia, caballo del west
que bebe solo café
y se cepilla los dientes con agua de sed
Why?
Few comments. The causes for this slip are quite obvious, including the childlike youth of the novice listener (a decade ago, in my early teens), the lack of lyrics, and simple associations.

GRADO DE TENIENTAZGO: